Sorry to hear it. Why aren’t you with him?
Discussion
Neither of us does anything normal is probably the best answer.
Timing didn’t work out when we were younger. I lied when he gave me the chance to tell him I loved him.
We both made mistakes when younger & we learned. We both hurt one another in various ways. Neither of us will ever submit to anything ever again. Why?
We both have done enough things to destroy any possibility of a future relationship. Recently, I chose not to see him believing it was the most respectful choice. Either way, it would have required me to travel & as a grown woman: I’m not chasing anyone. Sure, I’d stand next to
him forever but on this one thing: he needs to come to me. We’re stubborn. Oh well.
Heartbreak isn’t new to either of us. Maybe we both deserve everything we got. Who knows? I don’t. At this point: I doubt he cares anymore as I certainly no longer care to see him again. Probably what he wanted the entire time. If that’s true: then at least he can be happy now. ♥️
If he's anything like me, a lot of people hate him for being a piece of shit, and you've noticed that, but you didn't mention it here because you love him.
There's this paradoxical pain in the broken friendship I had with a certain friend from long before Digit:
She probably loved me and kept it secret because I was a piece of shit.
Was that her fault, or mine, or both of ours?
I want her to think it was both of us. She should have tried being there when I needed love, and I should have not been a piece of shit so she could feel like that was a good idea. If this is true, she doesn't have to carry all the guilt on her own, she can blame me too. I'm the one that was a piece of shit, she was just a shy girl who was my friend.
But this implies I had some choice in what happened. I didn't. My emotional issues required outside input, which I expressed clearly. I was not able to do alone what I could have done with a partner, or a closer friendship. Distrusting me and distancing me was not smart, I was telling the truth about my issues being results of loneliness rather than me simply being a psycho.
If I had choice in the matter, then she can feel like she was never good enough for me in some way. She can pretend I'm not the only one that wasn't good enough. If it's both our faults, then we both deemed each other "not good enough."
So it's a paradox. By trying to save her from the pain of blaming herself for her choice, I bring her a new pain she doesn't deserve: believing she "wasn't good enough" for me, when the reality is she completely had a solid chance at making me very happy and helping me grow and improve as a person, but I wasn't good enough for her.
Let me explain this again so you get it:
OPTION 1 - We both didn't try hard enough to be with each other, so it's not all her fault we didn't end up together, it's just that we both weren't good enough for each other.
OPTION 2 - I tried as hard as I could to escape being alone and I was not good enough for her, so how it followed was all based on her choice, but she could have easily been good enough for me if she wanted.
The reality is option 2, but that's incredibly painful, so she could go her whole life thinking it's option 1 instead with me not being able to do anything about it, which really sucks.
Humans. We are flawed in all the ways. Love matters but logic does too. Why continue to put yourself in a situation where either allows the other to abuse them? Toxicity is not the answer to world peace.
It’s probably for the best we all have a past & can grow from it. Choices do matter. I’ve sought to make amends for the mistakes I’ve personally made. Taking ownership of those took me through every level of hell. This was far before I came to #Nostr so it’s not surprising that people I’ve met from here IRL have never been able to break me completely.
Digit may have been a shy girl but I’m hoping she grew into a fierce woman. Besides, love makes people feel & act differently. I’ve certainly made all the mistakes in matters of the heart as I’ve admitted to some here & myself fully IRL. No matter how it forms there is nothing wrong with loving someone. Even if they are an asshole. Hell, I’m an asshole in the mind of many who met me. It wasn’t my intention to be a heartbreaker but it’s happened.
On the other hand: many have came to me later & thanked me for being brutally honest with them. They didn’t like what I said or did initially but eventually found the value in what happened. Not that it makes me
Happy to be the person who **IS** that way.
Some choose to be a victim forever & some don’t. I’m at the age in life where I’ve decided no matter what happens my choice is to remain peaceful. Come what may: no human will ever dictate my happiness, my love for humanity or my purpose in life.
It truly is what it is.
I mentioned that this was long before Digit.
This shy girl was also brutally honest. Actually not that shy, more like avoidant of talking about feelings, maybe. A fierce woman in her own way.
Maybe Digit has been through something similar with someone too, though.
My other reply is too long so, my point was, he might love you more than you think, and be unable to express it to you because the pain of what happened between you blocks out fully deep honest discussion about it.
I really like your openness and honesty, even on difficult topics.
Thanks, I guess. IRL MOST people say I’m a bundle of love 😘 But since online is different: I choose chaotic strategist mode all the way. That’s what #nostr made me become. Place me eye to eye IRL with enough toxicity that refuses to listen to reasoning… you get what you deserve #btc bro toxicity is rampant & gross
Harley Quinn era coming in hot 🥵 🤣🤣🫡🤩 never will ℹ make apologies for doing the hard work that must be done. #Truth
