No I didn't, but maybe I fd up my DM relays recently. Hold on.

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in theory it shouldnt matter as long as one of the relays from either of our settings works. but it appears none do.. (or amethyst broken)

I think it's specifically the dm inbox relays of the receiver that need to work 👀

so, the replies i sent yesterday, have now disappeared from amethyst.. but this is what i see when responding, 3 relay icons received..

Hmm that's really weird.

That's right. The receiver's DM relays dictate the messages the receiver sees. I use 3 relays; inbox.nostr.wine, auth.nostr1.com, and inbox.azzamo.net and I haven't missed a message.