Why do you think that it’s not likely to happen? Are you divorced and just not too interested?
Discussion
I am divorced. (No kids, though.)
I'm old enough to be out of the "dating" pool.
I'm not conventionally good looking or rich enough to attract a woman if a high caliber through those means.
I'm just a guy who wants to build cozy home in the woods and it would be lovely to have a woman who could put up with me long enough for her to see that I'm not too terrible and I'm usually a good person to be around.
I don't even like typing this out since it probably comes across as too needy, pathetic, or desperate. Part of it is a bit desperate, since, well, hands only suffice for so much... (My apologies if that's TMI.) I would still like to build a good relationship with a witty, competent woman, but I'm also lazy and don't want to do the things I know I should do in order for that to even have a chance to happen. So... I'm stuck and it's 100% my own fault, just like everything else is.
Firstly, I truly appreciate your openness and honesty in sharing your feelings. I believe many people, regardless of age or stage in life, often grapple with similar sentiments and uncertainties about love and companionship. It's a universal human experience. Remember, love isn't confined to a specific age or timeline. I've seen people discover love even in their 90s, proving it's never truly out of reach for anyone. From our interactions, I genuinely believe you're an interesting and kind-hearted person. Every individual has their unique allure, and sometimes it's the cozy homes in the woods and the genuine souls that offer the most warmth. While introspection and self-awareness are important, don't be too hard on yourself. Life has a way of surprising us when we least expect it.
I'm not sure of your age, but I believe there's a woman out there, close in age to you, who'll share your interests and truly value the person you are."
I don’t know how old you are, but I have a feeling if there is a woman here on #nostr, close in age, who'll share your interests and truly value the person you are because most of use here think a lot a like and share many of the same values.
nostr:npub17plqkxhsv66g8quxxc9p5t9mxazzn20m426exqnl8lxnh5a4cdns7jezx0 we need to get #DateChain going #ASAP, we have #Plebs ready to meet other #Nostriches ✨ 𓅦💜
I'm probably a bit too open at times..
I'm sure everyone deals with this kind of thing at one time or another, I'm just tired of it.
Love might be timeless, but there are other practicalities that place limits on things. For example, I've really screwed up. I want to have kids. But, I should have done that 20 years ago. Yes, yes, I still can sire children, but, that also places limits on the age of a woman I should be pursuing, and, at my age (which you'll probably laugh when I tell you), I'm well into the "yeah, that's gross" territory. And thinking about that makes me... Uncomfortable.
The one thing I've learned after I started writing last year and talking with another friend is that I treat myself like the villain of my own story. It's absolutely true that the worst parts of my life are my own fault, and I recognize that it's a very privileged position to be in, but, it also means that I don't treat myself very well. I've been struggling with that over a year now and I'm not making much progress.
I'm hesitant to give it my exact age, but I'm slightly over the answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything. If you know the reference, you'll get close enough to my age.
I really don't know if there's anyone that's even close enough to the weird matrix of my core values... Maybe close enough to smoke and nod when I'm getting exceptionally odd, but, I am not hopeful.
Duchess, you're very kind and caring. Thank you for being so lovely towards an odd stranger on the internet. I am half convinced your kindness is being wasted on me, but that might just be the self-doubt talking
Being open and honest is a strength, not a weakness. It’s true that everyone grapples with self-doubt and life’s challenges at different points. Your feelings of exhaustion from it are completely valid.
While love is indeed timeless, I can understand your concerns regarding practicalities. Life often doesn’t unfold in the linear manner we imagine, and it’s okay to feel regret about missed opportunities or choices. I can only imagine what I’ll feel in 40 years from now, but at the same time I feel all of my choices have built me into to who I am now and I am thankful for that, I’m glad I did not follow what everyone else did. When it comes to having children, I can understand your points about age, but I’ve seen men in their 60s have a child with a woman in her 40s and they were very happy together. It might not necessarily fit into the traditional mold, but that doesn’t make it any less meaningful.
It’s incredibly self-aware of you to recognize that you might be treating yourself as the ‘villain’ of your story. But maybe you should change the angle at which you see yourself? Everyone makes mistakes; they’re an inherent part of the human experience. Recognizing them is the first step (most people can’t do this), but it’s crucial not to let them define your self-worth. It’s a journey, and self-love is often the hardest love to cultivate. The mere fact that you’re actively reflecting on it speaks volumes about your resilience.
You should treat your self better, you deserve it, this is your life, your body, and your earthly experience. Maybe being here on Nostr will help you make this progress 💜
Regarding your age hint, “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” reference didn’t escape me! Douglas Adams gave us the magic number 42 as the answer, and if that’s close to your age, then rest assured, it’s a number with a lot of good vibes attached to it and I must add, that’s not old 😂. If you are indeed in your 40s then this is the prime age of a man! This is the age where men actually start to get their shit together!
Finding someone who aligns with your weird matrix of core values might seem like searching for a needle in a haystack, but the world is vast and filled with diverse souls. If I might ask, what are your weird matrix core values? Holding on to hope can be tough, but it’s worth it. Even if it feels like an uphill battle, life has a peculiar way of surprising us.
🥹🥰 Believe me, kindness is never wasted. It’s a gift to be able to connect with others, even if it’s just as “strangers on the internet.”
It's not a strength everyone appreciates. (It might even be why I am divorced, since I refused to give in to my Ex's delusions...)
I never decided when I was young what I wanted. I was wishy washy and then squandered time with idiotic things like joining the army. (That was, without a doubt, the dumbest and most harmful choice I ever made.) I don't know how to reconcile the regret I feel with what I currently know I want.
Sure, it's possible to hwang kids later in life, but, that's particularly harder for women, who, quite literally bear most of that burden. I'm well out of the range of the traditional mold, as you say, so, that's not so much the issue as would be finding a woman who fits.
I don't change easily or often. I'm stubborn and thickheaded. It's useful for some things, but it's only detrimental to myself. The issue isn't external. I have determined that I have continually failed myself. Again, I have no one else to blame for that. So, I blame myself, and have for decades at this point. I'm not sure when I lost faith in myself, but I did, and I've never really gotten it back.
I was sure someone would get my hint. Many people hate are very well read. I'm happy that you got thr reference.
Allow me another pop culture quote (with a bit of paraphrase): "It's not the years, it's the miles." I am pretty beat up. I can still work, but, I have worked too long and too hard on the past, without the time and space to recover from serious injuries (some from the army, some just reckless abandonment working 7 days a week for months at a time for years on end). So, no, 40s isn't old, but, I'm past any prime I had, and it's pretty much all downhill from here. Genetics and lifestyle up to this point are not in my favor.
My stuff is not together yet, but, I do think I'm on the right path to at least break even in a year or three. Maybe you're right about that at my age.
It is absolutely a terrible task to try to find someone.
Let's see if I can keep my list short:
-protestant Christian (at least background)
-witty
-well read
-competent (generally, with a basic set of life skills and then also in at least one focused domain)
-likes cozy quiet punctuated by good meals with friends and family
-can tease and take teasing without get too mean
-would rather plant a garden to ensure the family has enough fresh, healthy food to eat
-wants to homeschool children
-wants 2+ children
-prefers cats over dogs (I'm not opposed to dogs, I just can't stand yippie, barky dogs)
-is fiscally responsible
-is not a "leaver-arounder" (like my ex and my dad, gosh, I hate picking up reaction stuff that should go where it belongs!)
-is capable of telling me off without making me feel too terrible (that's hard, I know, because I do need to be nudged at times, but I'd rather not have a nagging wife that goes off about anything and everything)
-prefers to discuss things ahead of time instead of being reactionary
-is quick to compliment instead of criticize
-would willingly live in the middle of a 5+ acres of wooded land, knowing that building a home there won't be easy work, but will be worth it
And for some other pertinent data:
Non-blonde (if stress awesome, I could make an exception, but I'm the odd duck who really doesn't like blondes, and really don't like bleaching/coloring hair)
Light eyes
Curvy > not
And maybe TMI, but, would necessarily have a higher than average libido
It's pleasant to hear you think that kindness is never wasted. I'm not sure I agree with the never part, but, in general, that's correct.
There's answers to your questions. Dunno if that helps anything, but, I am honest to a fault.
Well, I appreciate your candor and openness. Not everyone has the courage to express themselves as genuinely as you do, especially when grappling with personal pain and introspection.
Life decisions, especially ones we look back on with regret, are tough. But remember that every choice we make, even the ones we label as 'mistakes,' contribute to who we become. Perhaps the time in the army and other decisions seemed ill-advised in hindsight, but they've undoubtedly shaped aspects of your character and resilience.
Why would you say joining the military was without a doubt, the dumbest and most harmful choice you ever made? I know the military usually instills a lot of discipline.
“I don't know how to reconcile the regret I feel with what I currently know I want.” I am not an expert, but I can say for myself, I have had a very wild life yet I regret nothing, but I suppose it’s just how I look at things. I understand mistakes I’ve made and I just try not to make them again, in school we make mistakes on our home work and then we correct them - it’s just how humans learn. Try looking at your life from a different lens.
It's true that bearing children is biologically more challenging for women as they age. However, it is not impossible if you are in your 40s dating a woman that is 30 is not something uncommon. It’s actually a healthy gap in many cases because you men mature much slower for some reason 😂 so it’s kind of a perfect match when considering how mature both people are 🤷♀️. And then she has plenty of time because women don’t even get into menopause until around 45 - 55. Also with advances in assisted reproductive technologies, such as in vitro fertilization (IVF) and egg donation, women in their 50s and even 60s have successfully become pregnant and given birth. Obviously pregnancies in older age come with increased risks for both the mother and the baby, but my point is that it’s not something to just close the book on if you feel this strongly about it. Also there are many people who are unable to have children for whatever reasons and they just grow old and cute together💜.
Your self-awareness about your stubbornness and your own internal struggles is commendable. Self-blame is a heavy burden to bear, but remember, while accountability is important, perpetually blaming oneself can be corrosive. It’s essential to find a balance between acknowledging our missteps and showing ourselves compassion. You must be able to fully love yourself before you can offer love to a woman, you need to know how to love yourself in order to show her real love. How you treat yourself sets the tone for how others will treat you. When you love, respect, and value yourself, others will naturally reflect that same admiration and care. Trust me, including a potential future partner, they will mirror this respect back to you.
Re “I don't change easily or often. I'm stubborn and thickheaded.” If you want to change something you will. So if you meet a woman and she asks you to eat healthier so that you have a better chance at creating a healthy baby or just so that you can live longer together, if you share the same goals you will make the change with joy and excitement!
What do you think you need to change, but feel you are too “thickheaded” to change for?
Yeah, #nostr is a super cool place with many interesting, funny, smart, and very well read people. I got a smile out of your pop culture references! Though your body may bear the brunt of life's challenges, the spirit and intellect within you has remained sharp.
But I’m sorry you have had serious injuries 🥵🙏 I’m not sure what they are, but I know being in the army is not something easy and not a career many walk away from uninjured. But yeah also working 7 days a week for months at a time for years on end can take a toll on mental and physical health for sure! 🙏 However I don’t think you are past your prime, in fact I think you just entered it, and it's definitely not all downhill from here.
What’s your lifestyle that you consider not in your favor?
Your list speaks volumes about what you're looking for in a partner. It's detailed and thoughtful, reflecting a deep understanding of your desires and I can say I know many girls even my age that would say yes to everything on your list.
It sounds like you have a very specific picture of home, family, and a life filled with meaningful connections. While the search for such a person might seem daunting TO YOU (because that’s not a hard list IMO), having clarity about what you want in a partner is half the battle. There are many out there who would resonate with your vision of life. I think this is a great start and think only around 35-45 do men start to understand what they actually want in a partner and in their home life.
Your honesty is refreshing. While it might feel like a fault at times, it's a rare trait in today's world. Life has its ebb and flow; while you're navigating a challenging ebb now, there’s always the potential for the tide to change.
It's a bit easier talking about things with strange people and strangers on the internet, though, I tend to be just as candid in person if I'm not in the middle of a large group. I'm more of an introvert and while I'm fine company in larger groups, I tend to end up in deeper conversations with 2-3 people. Kind of exactly like what's happening here.
Though, I do wonder if I'm conflating talking about things instead of taking action. No, no. I'm very likely doing that. "All talk and no action makes Matt (my name) amusing at parties but not a fine romantic partner." Or something like that.
Oh, I'm very well aware that I am the amalgam of every choice I've made, and even every choice my parents made, and etc. No, my time in the army made me much more bitter, resentful, angry (though that's mostly faded), abd distrustful, though, being distrustful of the entire Fiat system is why I'm here rift now, so, that's not exactly bad, but, the army left a block mark on my soul and it hasn't been scrubbed away yet. Hence, the dumbest decision I've ever made.
Another lesson from the army: external discipline is no good replacement for internal discipline. Here's another personal example: I have a very poisonous relationship with exercise because it was forced on me when I was injured and not recovered yet. I resented it, and, it that makes it very hard for me to motivate myself to work out at all now. That's very unhealthy, but I'm not evergreen sure of what to do about that except STFU and do it, but, then I deal with physical pain and I crumble under that two-pronged attack. Not good, especially long term. Couple that with a genetic profile that makes it hard to loose weight, and, I'm just too wide for my own good. (I'm fat AND big-boned. So, no one who looks at me things I weigh as much as I do since it's a bit more evenly distributed that some guy with a huge gut.) Anyway...
I have not had a wild life. I'm thankful for that. I'm not suited to those kinds of things. My life is my own problem, and bearing the responsibility for that is something I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do. I don't mean that is fatalistic sense. I mean that I am crumbling in front of the weight of my regrets, and that's not a pretty sight.
I only have one lense to look through. I'm not even sure how to frame my life in another way.
I'm aware. My sister had a long struggle to bring my neice into the world. I'm probably more aware of what it takes for a woman to be healthy enough to bear children without complications than most younger women... And that's a bit sad.
My ex is 12.5 years younger than me. When she pursued me at the start of things (I'm generally oblivious, so I usually need to be clonked over the head to notice that a woman is *interested* in me), she thought I was maybe 5 years older. (She has a type, I was right in the middle of her strike zone. LOL) Having a baby face really caught her off guard when she found out my actual age (which I thought she was aware of at the start) a few months after we started dating. I didn't mind the age gap, or even her teasing me over it, though there was enough of a gap that it caused a little friction at times, but later I realized that was mostly from the fact that I missed out on years of pop culture from being so busy with the army and then work. It's a bit strange.
Back to your topic... Have you ever heard of "the scumbag rule?" for older guys getting back into dating/whatever, divide your age in half then add seven. I hadn't heard of this until last year when I was messing around with dating apps. I have no clue who came up with that, a friend told me. I think it feels "about right" but, I'm not sure I'll ever be in a context where I'd be able to court a woman in her late 20s or early 30s without it looking... Creepy? Gross?
Growing old and cute together is a fine possibility, and one I could accept with the right woman, but I am still just barely young enough to possibly be able to meet a woman that wants to have 2+ (one isn't the best option, IMO) children. Yes, I'm open to someone who already has children, though, there are probably some caveats to that.
Corrosive is certainly an accurate description of how I treat music. I am stumbling around tripping over my own feet trying to find a balance point. That's not exactly attractive. LOL
If you're correct about needing to know how to live myself before I love a woman, then I'm doomed and that's just the end of things. I'll go off into the wilderness (or as close as I can get without being too far from family) and struggle with embracing solitude.
I am much more apt to make positive changes for others. I tend to treat people, in general, much better than I treat myself. But that's not a balanced way to live and does cause issues sheet a while, so you are correct.
My answer will be self-discipline. Respecting mystified enough to test myself well.
Word play is just one of the best parts of being human, I think, so, as long as my bring functions, I'll be playing with words.
I think I've answered most of the least questions above, but I can fill in not details if you would like, though it's more of the same. But I'm definitely past any prime that I may have had.
This is coming from my current position: I see exactly 0 women who would say yes to even a quarter of my list. But you are living a very different life, so, I don't think that is surprising at all.
I do have a very specific home in mind. I've already built the physical building in my head several times. Building a home that is full of warmth and laughter treasures a lot of work, and I'm not sure I could ever meet that goal but it's worth pursuing.
I don't know the sea well enough to be able to see the changes in the sea.
Again, thank you for taking the time to discuss these things. I'm sure you have other things you could be doing, abd you gracing me with your time is a valuable and undeserved gift.
My goodness there are a lot of typos in this. It's frustrating. Oh well.
Blah I always have typos as well. That’s why I told myself “Don’t redo until you are back at the hotel” I wanted to go over it, and even then I later re read it and find a million typos 🥵 it happens when writhing so much.
My next reply I'm going to write in a text editor before posting, so, hopefully it will be less annoying for me to re-read later. Heh
I always tell myself I’ll do that and then I start responding and then I guess I keep going 😂
Matt,
Engaging in these deep and candid conversations, with a stranger I suppose is easier because there is no judgment - People often fear judgment from those they know. With strangers, there’s a sense of detachment. If I react negatively, you may feel that it doesn’t matter as much since you likely won’t encounter me in real life. A stranger can also off a fresh perspective with a different or unbiased viewpoint. I don’t have a vested interest in your life decisions, so my perspective may be more objective. Also when you share something personal with someone close can sometimes change the dynamics of the relationship, so there is a fear of consequences. Whereas with a stranger, there’s no ongoing relationship to risk. I can see that talking so openly with a stranger is refreshing as well because I’m listening without Agenda. Friends or family might have strong feelings or opinions about your life choices because those choices can affect them as well. A stranger might be more inclined to simply listen without trying to steer the conversation or outcome in a particular direction. And in that sense there might even be a therapeutic element to it. Sometimes the very act of verbalizing feelings and thoughts to another human being, even a stranger, can be healing. It’s a way of processing emotions and experiences. And the obvious one is that it reduces vulnerability. Oddly, while you might feel vulnerable sharing personal details, there’s also a reduced sense of vulnerability in the sense that if I react negatively or dismissively, it doesn’t have the same emotional weight as if a close friend or family member were to do so.
Being more introverted and leaning towards deeper connections with a smaller group of people is quite relatable for many. There's something comforting in sharing life's intricacies in intimate conversations with a small group of people that really know you. TBH I’m comfortable in most setting (large group or small group) I’m comfortable with most people (close friends and pass by friends). That being said I can see what you like in smaller settings 2-3 people even and I’m totally fine going from a big party chatting with many friends to then coming here and focusing on this one topic with one person, “like what's happening here.”
Your comment about being "all talk and no action" resonates with a lot of people. We sometimes need those talks to process our feelings, understand ourselves, and find a direction, only then we are able to take people’s action - so maybe it’s good we are talking so you then can take an action. But yes, the real change occurs when words turn into action.
It sounds like your time in the army had a significant impact on your life. I’m glad to hear the bitter, resentful, angry feelings are starting to fade. Remember, though, our past shapes us, but it doesn't define us. You are not alone in your skepticism or lack of trust in #FiatMoney! Most of us here on #Noster feel the EXACT SAME WAY, thankfully we have all found #Bitcoin 🙏. I myself went though an EXTREME depression when I started to understand how fucked up the whole system was with ALL FIT MONEY in EVERY COUNTRY - I was really feeling like there is no way out, thankfully when I finally understood what Bitcoin really is I felt alive again, I had hope for a better future, I had a reason to make plans. I’m sorry the army left a block mark on your soul and it hasn't been scrubbed away yet🙏. I don’t know exactly what happened to you there but I am sorry you had to experience whatever it is that you saw or felt there.
Why did you resent someone trying to help you recover? You still have physical pain from? 🥵 ugh if so I’m sorry I know that’s really not easy. Is there anyway to get disability from the Army?
Your current recognition of the need for internal discipline, and your awareness of the toxic relationship with exercise, are the first steps towards positive change. Genetics can actually modify with food and exercise, but you have to want this for yourself.
Try not to crumble from the weight of your regrets, there are people in jail that have crazy regrets, there are people in the middle of nowhere where that have crazy regrets, there are people in big cities that have crazy regrets, there are celebrities with crazy regrets, there are doctors with crazy regrets, you are not alone. Look to them and see that with time you can heal. We are all humans, not a single one of us has lived a perfect life. That’s the whole point of being here. We cant experience pain, sadness, regret or anything under that umbrella when we are with our creator. My theory is that we come here to feel what it’s like to be a human and then we go back to whatever we are (some energy) with our creator and just have good feelings and emotions.
Not sure why should would be caught off guard, 50 is a normal age for a man to have a baby 🤷♀️
Your reflections on age and dating highlight the societal perceptions i suppose many people grapple with when getting back into the dating world after a divorce. I actually had never heard of the "scumbag rule". I had to Google it 🫣
So from what I understand if someone is 40 years old, half of 40 is 20, plus seven equals 27 and according to the rule, a 40-year-old should date someone who is at least 27 years old or older 🧐 lol I had no idea about this and too lazy to look up if there are studies attached to it, but overall I think 27 and 40 is an acceptable age gap and I don’t feel it’s “gross” 🤷♀️ so I guess the rule makes sense just off of thinking about people I know at both ages.
But what exactly is so creepy or gross about courting a woman in her late 20s or early 30s? Women are quite mature in their 20s and I’m guessing are even more mature in their 30s even though it’s hard to spot the difference in women that are 25-35 🤷♀️ that age gap feels like they are all the same level of mature.
While age can bring about differences, compatibility is multifaceted. Shared values, understanding, and mutual respect play a big role. But yes, it's essential to feel comfortable and authentic in any relationship.
Your desire for a family is heartfelt.
I’m sure in time the right woman will cross your path and maybe she will teach you to love yourself the way she loves you.
I can’t understand why you say, “I’m still just barely young enough”? 40s is not old lol. I know women in their 40s that look and feel amazing, one of them even had a baby last year and she is super healthy. She goes to my Pilates class and she has more energy than me lol. I really don’t think 40 is too old to start a family 🤷♀️
Your self-awareness about how you treat yourself versus others is profound. It's commendable to want to make positive changes for others, but self-love is the foundation upon which we build meaningful relationships. It might seem daunting now, but learning to treat yourself with the same kindness you extend to others is a journey worth embarking on.
lol you are not doomed so DON’T go off into the wilderness and struggle with embracing solitude. If you are unable to learn self love on your own, maybe you will find a woman that will teach you how to love yourself 💝
I genuinely believe in the power of wordplay and its ability to offer solace, humor, and perspective. It’s wonderful to see that you hold it dear.
Your vision for a home filled with warmth and laughter is beautiful. Every dream starts with an idea, and your clarity about what you want is already a step in the right direction. I think you should for sure keep striving for that goal because it's worth pursuing. But also living alone is not the end of the world I know many of my parents friends that chose this path after the lose of a spouse or a divorce.
While you may feel you can't "see the changes in the sea," sometimes life’s ebb and flow is more felt than seen. It's about recognizing those moments of stillness and change within us.
Lastly, thank you for your gratitude 🥰. It's a privilege to connect with you in this way, and it's essential to support one another. One nice thing about Nostr is that a lot of us think alike and you're never alone here.
Wishing you strength and clarity 💝
Duchess-
I think you hit the nail on the head and drove it home. Especially in the case of considerate strangers who wish the best for most if not everyone (there are some caustic pricks here and there, but hey, the block feature works well! LOL), there may very well be less prejudice, since you have no context other than what is provided. I have found that this kind of conversation can be be very useful for taking me out of my own rut and helping to change my perspective, which is something I sorely lack since I'm fairly oblivious about myself most of the time.
If you did react negatively to something I say, I would stop and consider what I said and what your thoughts regarding that particular point. I've learned enough about your disposition to know that if you are pointing out something, it's worth deeper consideration.
Sharing with someone close can be an issue, for sure, especially if what is being shared is possibly embarrassing. That reminds me of the "I want to stay friends because I don't want to risk things getting weird" conundrum. I've seen that play out, but haven't experienced it myself. Thankfully.
An agendaless listener is definitely valuable. But, I cannot say that you are one, since your agenda seems to be to help me despite myself. A positive agenda, probably, but still an agenda. LOL
Talking/writing things out certainly helps me organize my thoughts, so I think you're correct about that aspect. I'm not sure it's "healing," though.
I'm not sure I am feeling vulnerable. That tends to imply that exposing something would lead me to be in a weaker position. However, in my case, I don't consider it weakness to expose my thoughts, so, I'm not sure that vulnerability is the right word for the occasion.
Hmmmmm... I take what you say very seriously. Even the humor is serious business! LOL
I would have guessed you to be comfortable in nearly any setting. You are very self-assured but not arrogant. You likely know your limitations and your boundaries. You are well read and like to laugh. You are certainly very good company in any setting.
I tend to dislike groups larger than 10ish. The larger the group, the larger my tendency to just grin and bear it grows.
I'm not sure if you're correct about talking here leading to action. It might, but looking at my own history, it might not. Time will tell, so, that's easy enough to figure out.
Yup. Joining the army made everything worse. Physically, mentally, spiritually. Aside from the lack of care and time to heal physically, I didn't have the worst time of it. Many soldiers had much worse, even horrific tours. I know, I know. Don't compare myself to others, as comparison is the theif of joy. I just wish I had never thought that joining the army would solve the problems I thought I had at the time.
I don't mean to poke at old wounds, but some time, I'd like to hear more of how your journey towards personal liberty came about.
I'm a little too independent and too stubborn at times. "I can do it myself. Leave me alone!" is a very petulant, immature attitude to have towards someone that offers to help.
I could very possibly get some kind of disability rating, and get paid a small amount monthly. However, in order to do that, I would heave to subject myself to further dehumanizing humiliation that I swore to never willingly experience again. The process you must go through is designed to be difficult, intrusive, awkward, ugly, and painful. I have no wish to ever do that. I'm still capable of working, so, I will not subject myself to that level of malevolence. Also, why would I try to depend on a broken system? I would rather direct my energy to more positive pursuits.
I have been slowly reforming what I eat. That's not too hard to do, especially since I'm a decent cook and most of what I make turns out to be delicious. Exercise... That's just a wall that's too high to get over right now. I need to take that one step at a time, but it is slow going.
I try not to wallow in regret as it's just awful and doesn't do any good, but, it comes up again and again. I'm not sure it will ever stop. I would like to live a life that's less full of regret than it is of more positive... Improvement? Mentality? Just more positive? I'm not sure how to articulate that yet.
50 is normal for a man to have a baby? I really don't think that's the case... But, sure, I could, if I had the right partner to walk with down that path.
Another friend of mine said to stop worrying about what other people might say and just "go for it" if I find a young woman who met my list of requirements, and maybe not just meet them but was enthusiastic about the situation. I realized talking with that friend that I was likely projecting my own insecurities about my ex onto an women younger than me, which is stupid, quite frankly.
I doubt there's been any formal study on things beyond the fact that men's brains start maturing later than women's and it also takes them longer to fully mature. (A fact that is leading to a widening gap in academic performance in school now that school is becoming toxically feminized, IMO.)
I'm still having trouble believing that there would be a 27-30 year old (ish, not trying to put any hard limits on that) woman who would want to go live in the woods with a stubborn old goat like me. You might know women like that, but I sure don't.
My perception of "normal" dating range is within 3-5 years as an outer bound. It felt odd with my ex been 12.5 years younger. Now we are talking about a woman even younger than that. I... Think that's beyond my comprehension at this time. LOL!
"While age can bring about differences, compatibility is multifaceted. Shared values, understanding, and mutual respect play a big role. But yes, it's essential to feel comfortable and authentic in any relationship." I agree with this.
If a woman could teach me to love myself well, that would indeed be more valuable than anything else I could think of.
OMG. I am not sure how I can explain what it feels like to be my age and see the back half of your life ahead of you, with the baggage I'm carrying from the front half and just groaning and creaking to the breaking point.
My father's father could outwork most men into his mid 80s,when he finally started to slow down physically, though not mentally. Except for nap times. LOL! I'm sure that I'm not going to be that hale of I make it to be that age. But, yes, some people are amazingly fit and energetic beyond their years. I'm... Not.
I just don't see my own worth. All I see are the mistakes I keep making. I'm very critical of my work in that regard, too, and yet, everyone tells me that the work I do is exceptionally good. Even my BIL (brother-in-law), who is pickier than I am asks me to do things for him occasionally. It's frustrating that there's a disconnect at that point in my self-perception. I think my life would be better if I could forgive myself more readily, or, even just have a healthier relationship with being human.
I am fairly sure that I will not find a woman. She'll have to be found for me or accidentally run into me and somehow figure out that I am the one she wants to be with. I did mention that I'm completely oblivious, right?
Words are one of the most important things we humans have. It's a shame to not use them to their full capacity of precision and power, even to silly ends, since "laughter maketh a good medicine."
I know I CAN live alone, but for whatever reason, I still desire companionship, and not just in a physical way. That's really the only thing driving any of this discussion at all. I'd like to have a woman in my life that's truly good for me, and, if we'd be so blessed, a good mother to our children.
Achieving my cozy ideal is easier and better with a good woman to help it along.
I'm becoming more comfortable with stillness as an active pursuit, as contradictory as that may sound. Actively allowing time for stillness is a new thing for me, but, I find it helpful already.
Nostr is definitely more positive than most random groups I've participated in. I think the core of that is having found a solid solution to most of the world's ills lends itself to finding solutions in all of our lives.
Pfft. Anyone who isn't grateful to be able to have this kind of conversation with a person like you is an idiot. I might be dumb, but I'm not that stupid. LOL! So, once again, thank you for your time, your insight, and your care.
Strength and clarity... Yup. I could use more of both. :)
Hey Matt,
I don’t come across many people that give such comprehensive and genuine responses, in fact a few guys here accused me of being a bit because I often times give long responses and apparently because of lists I posted (I love making lists 😂 it’s my weird thing). Your thoughts and feelings resonate deeply, and I appreciate the time and effort you placed in this conversation.
lol yeah the block feature does work well 😂
It's truly heartening to hear that our discussions can possibly be beneficial in taking you out of your own rut and helping you change your perspective. Conversations with strangers, free from preconceived notions and biases, can for sure lead to fresh insights. Everyone needs an external perspective from time to time. To be honest I think we all have moments when we're oblivious to our own feelings or actions; the key is to keep an open mind and be receptive to growth.
🥹 Thanks for those kind words 💕
It speaks volumes of your character that you’re willing to reconsider and reflect upon your statements when someone points something out. Mutual growth and understanding are fundamental to meaningful conversations.
Your mention of the "I want to stay friends because I don't want to risk things getting weird" sentiment is, unfortunately, I think a familiar one for many. Relationships and their dynamics can be intricate, but they also offer invaluable lessons. Thankfully I’ve also never experienced that situation myself. 🙏
Regarding being an "agendaless listener," you got me! 😊
Regarding being an "agendaless listener," you caught me there! 😊 My primary goal is always to support and help those I communicate with. I suppose it can come across as an "agenda," however it's genuinely rooted in care and understanding. Nevertheless if that's my "agenda," then I proudly wear that badge.
Thanks for recognizing the intention behind my listening.
Your reflections and insights are deeply profound and resonate with an authenticity that is touching, trust me most women wish their husbands had this skill. The journey you've been on, including the challenges you've faced, shines a light on your resilience and introspection that I think speaking out loud (texting) for sure helps in "healing” and in growing/ evolving, even if you don’t realize it. Your thoughts about relationships, personal growth, and self-worth are relatable to many, even if the details are unique to you. So it’s not like you have some crazy thoughts that no one can relate to and make you too difficult to date. You are just placing this idea on yourself for no reason (that I can see at least).
This 👇 was sweet 🫂 thanks 💕
“I would have guessed you to be comfortable in nearly any setting. You are very self-assured but not arrogant. You likely know your limitations and your boundaries. You are well read and like to laugh. You are certainly very good company in any setting.”
About talking leading to action, yeah time will tell, it always does. But even if you don’t take action I suppose it’s also fine, the main thing is that you have the free will to do whatever you want with yourself, your life, your thoughts, your plans, and your future. Regardless of what you change or don’t change I’ll still be your Nostr friend 💝 however I do wish for people to just feel peace because when people have peace inside, it’s much easier for them to create peace around them and if everyone has peace around them it’s just more pleasant to be on this planet with other humans.
Ugh I’m sorry that joining the army made everything worse, but good to know you can say that at least aside from the lack of care and time to heal physically, you didn't have the worst time of it. It’s a painful thought for me to imagine how bad things soldiers have experienced, especially on tour. Were you also deployed? Where were you stationed? - if you don’t want to answer that’s also okay.
I’m assuming you are American and you joined the American Army? If so you can’t beat yourself up too much about thinking the Army would be a good idea, because from what I understand there is a lot of military “propaganda” (if you will) about how great the Army is and how many good jobs there are and what good things you will do for your country. So I think it’s normal for Americans to assume the Army is a good choice for a life path.
Speaking of the military, Have you seen Guy Ritchie's new movie ‘The Covenant’?
About military disability, well I suppose it’s understandable that you don’t want to go to through the painful hoops they make you go through and I understand your point of not wanting to depend on a system that you feel already hurt you once and I think it’s great that you would rather work (since you are fortunate enough to be able to) than just take a check. But at least you know it’s there if you need something.
My journey has been very long and we would spend months here talking about it 🥵 but I am thinking to write a book, so I’ll save it for that and I want to remain anonymous for now on here and giving too many details of my life might give away who I am.
But I can mention one experience that brought me considerable pain, without revealing my identity. I always knew Bitcoin was the future, but then shit coins came around and I thought that maybe all of these digital currencies could collectively help us break away from the dollar and this corrupt evil system we are fixed to live in. Because of this exploration I lost A LOT of money, it was an extremely painful financial lesson. Ultimately, I chose to view it as tuition for my education in shitcoins. Now, I know to never touch them and it’s Bitcoin only for me 🙏 my aha moment of clarity was nostr:npub1gdu7w6l6w65qhrdeaf6eyywepwe7v7ezqtugsrxy7hl7ypjsvxksd76nak ‘s book ‘The Bitcoin Standard’.
I came out of my depression by meditating, reminding myself what others have done is not my fault and I can’t beat myself up for this, spending time in nature, spending time with family, spending time with girlfriends, deleting instagram, getting back in the gym, removing carbs and bad food from my life (this can mess up your gut and this messes with hormones and emotions), and I read ALOT, specifically bitcoin 📚 books!
Oh so you can cook? 👩🍳 well, that’s a great husband skill lol. My mom cooks AMAZING food all week long (unless we grill, that’s my dad’s space) and on the weekends my dad makes a bomb breakfast! And on holidays everyone cooks. Anyways it’s great that you can cook and that you enjoy what you cook, so yeah one step at a time, but food is a big part of begging healthy. Have you ever tried the carnivore diet?
Your comment about wanting to “live a life that's less full of regret than it is of more positive” well I think the best start is just to work on you from the inside out, books, healthy food, and movement to get blood flowing thought your body.
“50 is normal for a man to have a baby?” Well, I can’t say what is normal, I don’t really know what normal is, this idea of. Kemal has always been very hard for me unless I look at statistics. But I can say my friend that had a baby at 40, her husband was 52 🤷♀️ And yeah your friend that told you to stop worrying about what other people might say and just "go for it", is 100% correct!
Re: 27-30 year old woman who would want to go live in the woods with a stubborn old goat like you, well I just know that there are girls into this. I think at some point in my life I also might want that, but right now I love being close to an airport, I love knowing I can order food to my house at any time, I love knowing there are many cute parks to walk around, shows (I love ballet) to see every week… and I suppose my girlfriends are in the same mindset as me. But I know there are girls that are into the woods life and actually hate the city life, so I think what you want is for sure possible. Im also sure there is a woman that can teach you to love yourself, but I suppose this kind of woman will just walk into your life when you least expect it.
I understand the complexities of wanting companionship while grappling with past experiences and uncertainties about the future. I have to say, the self-awareness you possess, even in moments of doubt or self-criticism, is commendable.
I agree words are important. Your words about the importance of communication and valuing our human capacity to connect through words are on point. It's evident that you value authentic connection and deep, meaningful conversations.
Your desire for stillness and the steps you're taking towards positive change, like focusing on diet and seeking moments of peace, are praiseworthy. Every journey starts with small steps, maybe you're on the path and don’t even realize it.
I practice stillness when I meditate. 🧘♀️
We have created quite a long text here 😂 so I hope I responded to everything 👀.
Thank you for sharing your heart and thoughts so openly. I'm happy to listen, offer my insights, and give my support.
💕💕💕💕💕
Heya, Duchess!
That's just me. Especially if I'm in a good conversation, that's just the thing that I prefer. It does make me an odd duck in many places on the internet which is especially strange since I'm a beaver, an entirely different species than a duck. But here we are... LOL
Lists are powerful tools. You've realized this, and others have not, or at least they don't appreciate the effort it takes to put together a good list. So, I think you're weird thing is akin to a superpower! Go you!
Since you are also putting thought and effort into this, it is the least I can do. You are genuinely trying to help me and I know I can use help, so I am going to take this in good faith and put effort into it to see what happens. The worst case is I have a very pleasant conversation with a lovely lady. The best case is that I do start to improve my life and health. There's really no down side, is there?
I do tend to be more oblivious than most, regarding myself. I have been trying 556 pay more attention to what I'm thinking and feeling, since I am sure that will help me to nip issues in the bud before they blow out of proportion. I can't say I'm good at that yet, but, it is something I know that needs to be improved for my life to also improve.
I am going to remain cautious about new growth. If it is uncontrolled, then growth gets messy and it may choke the life out of me, and I'd rather be on guard with pruning shears at the ready to trim things into a healthy balance.
You're welcome. And it really is my pleasure! You're delightful, deep, and insightful. It's a fairly heady combination!
I used to disregard people more readily, but one good thing about maturing (at least a little) is that I have come to accept that everyone can teach me something, even if it is not their intent. I also know I don't know too much, even if I do have hunches that I'm correct. Well, there are some things I am very convinced that I'm correct about, but it rarely makes sense to run around shouting, "I'm right and you're wrong, neener-neener!" Even if I am, no one is going to listen to that manner of purporting myself. So, reflecting on how little I know helps keep me humble, because the Lord knows I was anything but in my youth. I'm still not sure how anyone put up with me let alone looked me back then...
Being oblivious has its advantages. LOL! I'd never know if someone was interested in me if they didn't state that explicitly, and also probably repeatedly.
Yes, I did get you! But, in this case, is a positive thing. :) Being rooted in care abd understanding is not something easy to achieve, at least not consistently for most. I think that shows a real heart for improving others lot in life, not just by giving so much, but helping them realize that there is Igarashi much they can do to improve their own selves.
My ability to reflect on myself seems to diminish with the seriousness of the relationship I'm in. That's genuinely a concern of mine for any future relationship. I am more aware of it than I used to be, but I think that my future companion would also need to remind me, preferably without nagging, that I might be slacking on that effort at times. I do get caught up in the status quo, since I value consistency. Most can't stand that, but I like iteratively improving on healthy routines. (That's of the reasons I'm so darn good at my job.)
If nothing else, hearing from many sources that I should not give up on my hopes of finding a good life companion is refreshing and reassuring, even if it is a bit unsettling. (That's not always a bad thing, as too much settling is not good for anyone.)
I definitely am not unique in most of my struggles, and that is, I supposed, a comfort in and of itself. I am human, with human issues, concerns, fears, desires, and hopes. In that regard, I am normal, and as such, these things are solvable and fixable.
As for why I get so down on myself, it's mostly because I'm a thick sod. LOL! But, I will try to change that perspective bit by bit.
I repeat: You're welcome! Thank you for sharing yourself!
Free will is a frustrating topic to me. I've given up bothering to find deeper on that until I own a few other things first. Some philosophical topics make me throw my hands up in the air in disgust and want to walk away! LOL! But, yes, we have it and I can exercise my fair share of it, though, as mentioned before, it would be better to start moving the needle to the positive side of things, even if slowly. I'm glad to have a nostr friend like you! ❤️🔥🫂😊
Strangely enough, I'm usually a walking peace-purveyor. I've been told too many times that I am a pleasantly calming influence on nearly anything I'm involved with, most especially in person. That and I'm a huggable lump, and most people don't get enough hugs, so, I try to do my part to increase the hug ratio in the world. This is despite my inner angst, too. Why? 🤷 It does make for a more pleasant living experience, and with everything being so crazy, the world could use more peaceful interactions.
I served with a lot of good people that were abused by the system for no good reason and are now permanently disabled both physically and probably mentally.
I'm not comfortable sharing details of my time in service publicly, but if you would like to know more, I'm open to chatting about that cute other means if you wish.
Oh yes. 100% American. Fell for all the patriotic BS, thinking we couldn't be making the world a worse place, or doing whatever for less up reasons to advance agendas so people could pocket literal boatloads of cash as the expense of people's lives and will being. I have been completely disabused of all of those notions... But gosh, I was dumb.
There's a funny story to tell about how ridiculous the army is, and I might tell that some other time.
No, I haven't. I tend to like Guy Ritchie's movies, though. They are usually deep and have many layers to unravel.
The VA (The Department of Veterans Affairs) is the second most failed branch of the federal government, in my not so humble opinion on this topic. I'm... Just going to leave it at that since I'm getting too angry thinking about what to say. It's just not good.
WHEN you write your book, I will read it. Until then, I respect your desire for anonymity.
Ouch... That is rough, but, like you said, losing like that can be the only means to teach us what we need to learn sometimes. It still sucks to go through. *hugs*
I'll put that book on my list. Thank you for t recommendation.
Gosh, IG was hard to give up. I didn't care about FB or any of the other networks I've tried, but IG, even with the awful algorithm, was my favorite. Nostr is kind of scratching that itch, but, dang it it isn't a lot more wholesome! I think it helps being an early enough adopter to see how it's growing and being able to participate with people who really want to be here, before the pool gets diluted.
Yeah, I can cook. Nothing fancy, but, most things turn out well. I tend to prefer simple meals that require a minimum of cleanup since I hate washing dishes. Gosh, that reminds me that I got a marriage proposal over my cooking, once. It was in jest, but it's been decades abd I still laugh about that when I think of it. LOL!
I'm comfortable grilling and doing basic cooking stuff. I'm not much of a baker, though, I can handle some things well, but not as well as my sisters.
I don't know if I'm worth marrying just because of my cooking skills, but, it's one other arrow on my quiver.
I have not tried carnivore yet. I will, though, I need some time to figure out where to source my meat. If I'm going to do that, I'm not going to feed myself the cheapest Walmart stuff I can find. I want to get good quality meat to maximize the positive benefits and minimize the possible harms. I'm also going to have to wait until after the holidays. Say what you want, but, my family is sometimes exceptionally skeptical of some of the things I try, like intermittent fasting, which I've been doinDoing for, gosh, 4 years now? I'm going to enjoy the end of the year feasts as normal and then I'll try carnivore for at least two months. The one big issue is storage space. I have a small refrigerator and freezer, so, I can't just buy a 1/4 beef for myself. And no, I don't have room for a separate freezer. (Yet. Eventually, but that's going to take a lot of work for another project.)
Your proscription is simple, yet wise. Mind and body do have an effect on each other, for sure. I can't argue that, though I do wonder about the purported strength of one vs the other.
If I ever achieve a state of better physical health, I might change my mind, but, for now, I'm not sure I can agree with you.
I hear about young women who want to live a life that's not within the current norm, but I've yet to meet one IRL. I do think that if I participate in communities like this where there are people open to more liberty oriented lives that I may possibly eventually find a woman like that, but, I still think that's a very long shot
Is good to hear that you are enjoying your life as it is now. That's better than being miserable all the time! Having friends that are alike is also a boon. You are blessed, abd I pray you continue to be able live well.
A for a woman who can teach me to love myself, I'm trying not to scoff at the notion since nearly anything is possible. I just see the odds of that being vanishingly small. Maybe that is just my self-doubt speaking again.
What's your favorite ballet? I've never seen one in person. While I like much of the music, and am immensely impressed with the perry) physical talents of those involved, I have never really connected to story through dance. I'd pick going to a production of any Shakespeare (aside from Romeo and Juliette, because gosh that's so dang overdone and ebbed though it took me much too long to realize that he was writing it as a parody of young, idiotic passions, I still don't want to be subjected to I ever again), play.
A woman walking into my life would be a miraculous event. Highly unlikely, still.
Commendable or not, self-awareness will continue to be a struggle, and maybe even more so if I don't choose to n act with consistency on that awareness. I don't want to do the equivalent of yo-yo dieting when it comes to my mental well-being. health
Authentic, deep, meaningful conversations are the best way to build a truly lasting companionship, I think. There are other ways to build that, but, at least for a man and a woman to come to terms with each other in a productive fashion, discussing things at length and in depth is better than most other methods if attendees) agreements can be reached.
Hmmm... I am on a path, I just am not sure where it is going yet. I want to have a clearer destination so I may choose my steps carefully, but there are so many things in flux, I'm not sure of the best ways to get where I think I want to go n
This is certainly a long thread. It is definitely the longest I've seen that's not about something technical. LOL!
Again, thank you for your time. I very much appreciate that!
You’re not to old to start a family. Tbh tho…. time is running out. So find a good woman (around age 25-30) and get to it.
*looks around*
No women to be found...
I'm fairly serious when I say my average interaction with any women outside my family is pretty close to zero, with the exception being possibly someone running a check out line. (screw self service. I don't effing work at your store.)
And dating apps?
I had a try last year with a few. It was a mess. To be honest, I was not approaching that with honorable intentions. I was a lot more desperate for, uh, physical interactions, to put it mildly. With no success, mind you. But even if I try again, I think that I won't like the process much. I rarely got so much as a passing glance. It was more frustrating than I thought it could be.
🥵
You're a pretty smart guy 😂.
I'm curious as to how you arrived to that conclusion. I am much more of a fart smeller than a smart feller.