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I will also add, that I will only act, present myself in a certain matter towards you, if and only you tick a box in my mind as how you should operate and behave. This is in my humble opinion conditional and very unhealthy.

nostr:nprofile1qqsddtl6r9dmwx22wpvr9af4lfjm4vwcmndd56e9grlnfvmsjygtzacpz4mhxue69uhkummnw3ex2mrfw3jhxtn0wfnsz9thwden5te0dp5hxapwdehhxarj9ekxzmnyqyf8wumn8ghj7am0wsh82arcduhx7mn9gqnun3 said it beautifully how in his connection love is being fed and nourished by holding space for the other when things get messy ( putting abuse aside, that's a fat no). We are all inperfect and with flaws, if we just disconnect and retreat every time something goes not accordingly with our expectations, there is no room for growth and expansion inside a connection. If we retrieve love if someone does not act how we wish, want or expect, that in itself is IMHO, abuse.

Eric FJ 🪬⚡️ 6mo ago

Hey thanks for engaging thoughtfully🙏🏼. I never got a chance to respond to nostr:nprofile1qqsddtl6r9dmwx22wpvr9af4lfjm4vwcmndd56e9grlnfvmsjygtzacpz4mhxue69uhks6tnwshxummnw3ezumrpdejqz9thwden5te0wahhgtnwdaehgu3wwpshyarertrqe8's last message. I’m quite a busy guy and I can only engage so far in these online discussions before I’m needing to move back into IRL/work/etc (which happens to include being present with my amazing wife 😉).

I think in order for us to find common ground we should avoid extremes. To me, the version of conditional that you put forth there is an extreme. I agree: the way you put it sounds abusive. So let’s think of it as a spectrum from rigidly conditional (unhealthy) to self-destructively unconditional (also unhealthy).

Somewhere between the extreme conditional and unconditional is “healthy adult boundaries”. You said it yourself: abuse is a hard no. Ok great, that’s a healthy boundary.

IMO there’s lots of room within a set of reasonable healthy adult boundaries to have a deep, spiritual, kind, and forgiving relationship where you lean into one another instead of withdraw when things aren’t perfect. That’s not rigidly conditional, and it’s also not completely unconditional because there are lines both partners know they can’t cross no matter the emotional state.

To bring it full circle, in my opinion, it’s deep respect that keeps those boundaries in place as we navigate the beautiful emotional messiness of bonding with a life partner.

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Discussion

purrs_for_Her 6mo ago

this is a wonderful explanation here. i think there is some overlap in each perspective.

nostr:npub10xvczstpwsljy7gqd2cselvrh5e6mlerep09m8gff87avru0ryqsg2g437, do you think the conditions structure the relationship?

for me (and perhaps nostr:npub1qnykqjt67cv2ux84z3anuhpsnmea3f39za52rsyzpcpvjdmgesasvkcxvz as well? though i don't want to speak for her), i think the connection structures the relationship more so.

idk

i really appreciate the time taken for this discussion. ^^