Today was one of those days where it felt like I was kicking ass on just about everything, but somehow it still wasn't good enough.
It would be nice to say that every expectation I failed to meet was someone else's, but pretty sure some of them were also my own.
I suppose tomorrow will be a new day, but days like today make it hard to believe a new day will go any better.
I wish I had a better plan than just keep on kicking ass. But that's it for now.
GN.
#ffs
I was sad reading that, wanted to tell you a lot of things to make you feel better, but I'll start just feeling this sadness I'm feeling and I didn't know was here waiting to come out.
maybe being who you are, even when you are frustrated and judging yourself, can be enough and deeply touch someone.
You can learn a lot about yourself in how you choose to react to someone else's pain or frustration, even their shame.
While I primarily share my shames and feelings on nostr to disarm them through writing them out, using the magic of words to bind them - I also appreciate that this practice may help others. I think they may have helped you in some small way.
As always, I remain willing to stand beside anyone, looking out over the void. While I cannot feel what you feel, or see what you see, I can support and affirm your feeling and sense. 🫂
I think I was always touched by other people feelings and I've been observing my reactions to that for sometime now and yes, I learn a lot about myself this way. I used to try to change the other person's feelings as fast as I could and that's something I notice a lot. when I realize I'm doing that I just take a step back and see what I'm feeling. just like I did before.
I also feel that my writings disarm my thoughts and sometimes I'm surprised with what comes to light. I'm happy to hear you do this and you were not attached to the feelings you wrote about. It's good to read what you write.
thank you for the attentive answer. I felt heard and hugged. :)
I understand you completely. There are days like this. And yes, we have learned to serve and we have learned that most of the time we are not (good) enough. From the very young age, when we don't sleep through the night as babies and our parents get upset, when we spill a glass of water or are late for school or forget to do our homework... All of this is so burned into our cellular memory. Not being good enough...that even small things, like criticism in everyday life, trigger these traumas. It doesn't make life easy...
Deep in our hearts we know that this is just an ego game... and you are just perfect the way you are and you don't have to please everyone.
It helps me to shake off the day by dancing for myself, shaking myself and taking deep breaths and hugging myself.
I send you a loving hug and know that you are exactly right 💜🫂
There are two very different things going on here, both of which I did allude to, because I was trying to honestly capture my emotion in words at the time I was feeling it.
One is self-judging through an imaginary external perspective. This is one of the worst things we do to ourselves. And you're right, we learn it from birth onwards, especially in religious homes that believe in some form of original sin (or sin at all). The imaginary external perspective is God, but because the parents believe and accept this judgement, they in turn model it for and onto their children.
Intellectually, I reject this kind of judging (from any imaginary external source, whether it is God, a parent, someone I respect, really anyone that I believe could have an opinion about my actions that has not directly shared that opinion with me).
That doesn't mean that I am immune to feeling that judgement emotionally. Again, this is learned - over years, decades, and reinforced in society. Yesterday I was definitely feeling it, and I can accept that, while rejecting it from a philosophical stance.
The other thing happening was a feeling that I was failing by my own standards. I couldn't even pinpoint where that was happening, which means it may have been more of the externally judged feeling overflowing its banks, and making me want to assume that I should also feel some sense of personal shame.
Where it may have come from is my personal prime directive - to serve as an example to my children. It is hard to feel confident in that while also feeling some broad sense of external shame.
A couple tricks to get through these times - 1. Work. Physical or even mental labor. 2. Do something that helps someone else.
And most importantly (and often forgotten) 3. Accept the feeling. Whatever you or I am feeling is valid, even when comes from invalid assumptions. By accepting the feeling, you can then address how you came to feel that way. If you reject the feeling, you don't give yourself that opportunity, and will just continue to feel that way whenever faced with similar circumstances.
Accepting feelings are learning moments. It is part of accepting responsibility for ourselves.
A friend sent me this (it is originally in German, so hope it makes sense translated in English):
"It's not my day. Whoever it belongs to, please pick it up immediately!"
😂🥹
