i think i figured it out, related to this setting

You can filter by kinds and see what DMs were written but nostr:npub10npj3gydmv40m70ehemmal6vsdyfl7tewgvz043g54p0x23y0s8qzztl5h would know
i think i figured it out, related to this setting

also, seems like nip 42 auth does not apply to notes the relay received when the user was not authorized. so if i am inviting friends to a nip 42 private relay, they dont get to see the previous conversations. would be nice if there were functionality to grant them auth to the relays past notes akin to joining a telegram group.
Add an issue on the GitHub 😆
i dont think im there yet in my fucking around hahah. i could also see a reasonable reason for this being how it is set up ... perhaps
Yes, you found it. Does that explanation make sense? In nip42 auth mode and this setting on, non-members cannot make REQs (read) but they can still send tagged events to members (such as giftwrap, dm, or even a comment).
these settings will expand with more mode options, as we narrow down the popular ways to use the combination of read/write/auth controls.