Nostr

I always want to go abroad, no matter to study or work. I *thought* I have a very very strong desire. But the fact is, I haven’t take any actions yet.

Reading Existential Kink recently and I try to dig deeper to myself and to see what my unconscious mind think.

So in fact, I don’t have that big desire as I imagine I have. Although I feel it’s time for me to explore more potential. And the current job doesn’t offer me that much excitement. But in fact the unconscious me quite enjoy this stability and doesn’t want to change at all.

Wake up every morning and exercise and then go to work. Learn foreign language and watch Netflix series. Sometimes meet with friends and take nice photos. Everything seems quite into what the unconscious me wants.

Also recently I tried to maybe meet someone and started to date, after a few meets, nothing really happened. And one of those I really like, stop texting me after this whole long flirting. “Having is the approve of wanting” so maybe it’s me who doesn’t want to change the situation? The unconscious me may still feel living alone is quite enjoyable and still want to keep this life as long as possible.

Suddenly, all my routines all the so called healthy habits which I feel it’s the preparation of what I wanna achieve in the future seem just excused to postpone my action into a “what I thought I want” kind future.

#whatNikkiRead

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Discussion

nisangkki 2y ago

My havingness level is so low! So in fact, it’s me that prevents myself from highly valued, no matter emotionally or financially.

I always have a sense of unsafety when receiving complement. Like I would always worry that I may be not as good as they thought. That’s why I got what I had now.

nisangkki 2y ago

fuck start to modify my resume today and start to scroll the webpage about job, and I can clearly feel a tension in my body, like it still doesn’t want to make any changes and it’s so intense that cause my stomachache.

Ok ok i then gently tells the inner kid: it’s ok it’s ok everything is fine, I’m not gonna change immediately I will take it step by step don’t worry you are safe very safe.

And since my body doesn’t in a relaxing situation, I find myself have a intention of overeating. Like I just keep finding something to eat although I feel I’m quite blown.