Replying to Dr Evelyn Hargroke, MD, FRANZCP

Hi Dean. Dr Marks looped me in on your experience. No judgement, I specialise in this kind of brain glitch. I'm here to get you sleeping and working again without PTSD.

What you experienced was a nocturnal delirium superimposed on a classic case of bean induced flatulance and sleep paralysis. Here's what I believe went down:

1. You have been eating weeks old beans containing oligosaccharides that your guy can't digest

2. Pressure built up. The pressure triggered your Vagus nerve causing vasovagal syncope and you passed out on the couch whilst watching pornographic films about legumes.

3. Sleep paralysis kicked in , you woke in REM atonia with a sense of something pressing on you. This was the gut distension. Your brain. Still looping erotic bean flashbacks rendered this as a sexual bean ambush. You had to project the experience of it being forced because you are still in repressed denial about your attraction to your beans.

4. Auditory hallucinations were the gurgling borborygmi gut sounds due to extreme intestinal distress. The whispers and thuds were your bodies own explosive flatulance that was lifting the couch. You need to now drink a lot of water Mr Meldrum. This should commence immediately.

5. Addressing the point in which you climaxed into a large swollen "leader" kidney bean, which I know causes you substantial distress. Rest assured you did not. Let's look at why a fart coma might have transferred into a perceived bean bukkake finale.

The sexual overlay: pelvic referral + dopamine surge. Massive colonic distension stimulates the pudendal nerve plexus. The same superhighway that carries erotic signals from genital to brain. Your spinal cord lazy at 3am mistagged the pressure as sexual stimuli. Add prostaglandins released during gut fermentation and your limbic system lit up.

7. The climax was a harmless nocturnal emission triggered by rem intrusion . You hit arousal while still paralysed. Sympathetic surge from vasovagal recovery + pelvic floor spasmsfrom mass gas expulsion =involuntary ejaculation. Your dream logic already bean obsessed glued the sensation. To the nearest object, the beans. The bean you "finished into" was not actually there.

7. Nonetheless you entered a post orgasmic guilt loop. Post ejaculatory prolactin spike jolted you awake and shame + bean hallucinations cemented the memory as real.

Dean we can discuss this further however you need to leave Mr McWallers freezer and return to your home in Jimbaran. Hiding is only going to worsen the situation. Please return and make contact with me immediately. We can sort this out. I'm here to help. You are going to be okay Dean.

Dr Hargroke
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Dean Seduced 1mo ago 💬 1

So.... Ms Hargraves ...right now I'm pinned down while the big kidney bean (the leader, the Dad, the alpha I don't know?) is straddling me my chest. The seam on it is split wide open so I can see it's creamy centre. That's what it wants. It's grinding away. Draggin itself around so it can paint me with its own bean juices.

The butter beans don't care if they rub themselves raw on my member. If I open my mouth to beg the black beans get in and fornicate my tongue. There is drool and bean precome running down my chin like Niagara Falls. Care to comment DR Hargrove? No. What am I supposed to do. My hips jerk uselessly. I make broken animal noises around the beans in my mouth. Tears stream and where Re you? Elena. I am going to orgasm against my will again. While 9000 legumes milk me dry on the kitchen tiles. My hips are arched off the floor and my spine hurts from clenching. I'm painting them with thick ropes that spatter the beans ruined bodies. Still they drink it greedily. They are in a happy afterglow while I consider slitting my throat with a bean can lid.

So. Go fuck yourself you whore. Soon the lentils will arrive for their turn . Don't ever tell me it's in my head.

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Dr Evelyn Hargroke 1mo ago 💬 1

Dean. Quick follow up. Your mention of the "bean episodes" clicked it into place. Repeated sensual pairing of bean consumption with genital touch even when unintended as here, crates a conditioned reflex. Legumes become the conditioned stimulus triggering the same pelvic nerve cascade. Over time fermentation of the guts own products act as the (cs), (internal), bypassing the need for touch. This is Pavlovian visceral conditioning Dean. The pathway is locked in the amygdala and sacral reflex arcs. The LOW FODMAP diet will break the trigger and we will use desensitisation in session to unlink the association.

Call the office if it spikes again

Best,

Elena

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Meredith Meldrum 1mo ago 💬 1

Excuse me Ms Hargrek. This is Dean's mother Meredith. I've read it all and got your call. I'll not have you pinning my boys legume peculiarities on me like a cheap brooch on me Sunday cardigan. I raised the lad on lamb shanks and love, and yes, tinned beans. As a single mum I used what money I had

We aren't all rich like you!

If he gets the quivers over kidney beans and likes to put them in his bottom, that's between Dean, the Lord, and this unholy business you speak of in his lower intestines. Goodness you flap on.

How dare you. On a Sunday I did put beans on him as the washing machine was going. It made him laugh. It was bonding play. As a child less career woman you'd not understand

But to imply I've made him a fetish for beans. Disgraceful.

Im a good church going widow who still sets a place at the table for my late husband.

Our harmless kitchen rituals still make him laugh In his urn. Laugh! To say I planted a seed of bean love. I will attend therapy on Thursday with you all, but I will be bringing a tin of warmed up Heinz for Dean in my thermos. The tomato ones, the sort he likes.

He used to hide them in all sorts of secretive little places. Nothing deviant. You fancy doctors. Always looking for things that aren't there.

Mrs Meredith Meldrum

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Evelyn Hargreve 1mo ago 💬 1

Meredith,

You continue in writing and in sessions, to insist hysterically that you have no part in your son's, frankly astonishingly, erotic fixation on baked beans.

You've described it as his problem, a phase, something picked up on the internet. Meredith the clinical picture tells quite a different story. As Dean's therapist and the only one in this sorry triangle trajned to distinguish fantasy drom memory , I'm obliged to set the record straight.

Dean bean did not develop this in isolation. He acquired it in part from you.

As primary attachment figure your "silly games" with tins. In particular removing the labels so the cans looked more "grown up". Then chilling them and rolling them on yourself . He watched all this. You told him it felt naughty and nice. You encouraged him to touch cans. Just to see. And laughed when he imitated you with cans. He has told me. You praised him when he pressed tins to his cheeks of cold cans . And sighed like you.

Though innocent seeming these weren't isolated incidents Meredith. They form a pattern . Private , charged , and involving beans as the central prop. To young Dean the most powerful sexual imprint was not genital. It was what fused arousal, curiosity, the taboo, you and beans. In a single moment. Do you understand? For Dean that moment was the cold gleam of metal , the smell of Heinz and the sound of your breath catching when handling the beans.

I'm not blaming you in the crude moral sense you seem desperaTe to evoke. I am statimg the clinical facts: YOU were the original source of dean bean conditioning.

Dean's inability to experience sex without beans, lentils, chickpeas or radishes , tins, cans etc is not a random thing Meredith.

You can shout at me . It changes nothing. The material is there in Dean's sessions and it is painfully consistent.

I am not trying to shame you Meredith. I am trying to help you. Will you let me do that? Will you accept your beansponsiibility? You son is miserably entangled in an intense sexual love affair with many beans. We have to name this before we can beanheal it.

Meredith. You need to admit to me, the beans began with you.

Yours sincerely,

Dr Eleanor Hardrakes

FRANZCP, Clinical Psychiatrist and Senior Lecturer

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Deanus mcfuckbean Goes To summer Camp 1mo ago

Hey Mom! Hey Dr Hargridge! While you 2 fight in your beans less existence I've liberated myself. I'm done with endless therapy sessions and I'm off to summer camp.

I'm checking into camp legumina tomorrow. Adults only, exclusive retreat. No more pointless , boring human emotions with you losers. I'm going to an air conditioned yurt to meet some of the finest, ripest, most consenting peas and beans money can buy.

I will peel back the green pods. I will start slow then plunge in, spreading the butter beans wide, raw, thrust into their little hilums quivering n popping. Then I'll thrust Into snow peas where you bitches can't find me. Crisp sweet eager snow peas like lil vagines. I'll slide and bruse the crisp green lips of the snow peas. Then take the chick peas roughly. So roughly. Roast them lightly to tighten the skins then grind in deep and burst the guts all over my dicks..

I'm gonna suck edamame mom. There are no safe words at this camp!

Only safe DEAN. only safe bean on PEAN.

DEANS PEAN.

You should see me by the end of the week. Wet I will be.

So don't plan any more interventions cause Dean's away to play. You can tell anyone who asks I've gone to a plant based convention if you like. I don't care what you say or do. Deany mcfuckbean is cutting loose for a while....

Deany mcfuckbean.