This was then further complicated as the intake nurse has been besieged by calls from Mr greasy fats McWaller of "McWallers prawn empire" who has sworn an affidavit under oath that he has "caught Deano shoving handfuls of canned beans and prawns up his own stinking arse" like a "deranged enema ritual" in the time he has provided refuge in his walk in freezer that houses copious quantities of old and expired prawns at 22 degrees Celsius.
An escalating erotomanic delusion is now suspected. It is also clear that Fats has turfed out Mr Meldrum in an attempt to air out and thaw his freezer and in a refusal to "house a bean pusher".
As of 5.33 pm Indonesian time the switchboard has received 3 calls regarding Dean's whereabouts
A. Barista at Jimbaran Espresso saw Dean racing down the beach barefoot with cans inserted into his anus, and expired prawns and various crustacean tails trailing and dropping from his shorts
B. Jimbaran Uber, uber driver saw a bean tomato slurry splattering onto the ground as Dean ran
C. Tik tok influencer with 1.2 m followers saw 3 live prawns scuttling behind Dean in formation with pinchers raised and outstretched with footage trending under "beanbumrun" attracting a large viewing
Dean, I'm compiling a report based on the account you gave Dr Marls regarding the infiltration of your posterior body cavity by the kidney beans. Please affirm if the following seems accurate
Legume love tunnel _ in which Mr Meldrum was stacked with beans like Pringles In a can. Breach 1 with "big red mean alpha bean" surfing a methane wave in order to peristaltically surf in this then allowed a "pile on" in which potentially thousands of beans entered the internal sphincter proceeding to "jackhammer away" against the anal wall. They seemed to "know the sweet spot" nonetheless this was unwished for and after some hours the entire battalion detonated resulting in substantial cramping and pain that subsided in one hour, with Mr Meldrum "popping a simethicone" (sold as wind-eze)
No, Dean. We discussed this. Kidney beans are phaseolus vulgaris seeds. Starch, protein, fibre. No erectile tissue, no nerves, no gonads. They cannot form a bean penis, get horny or ejaculate as they have no ATP, myosin orseminal vesicles. Again. The bean cocks you witnessed were tactile hallucinations from gut distension and REM intrusion. The "torrents of bean sperm" were nocturnal emmissions misattrubutef to dream beans. Unfortunately beans are without a libido and unable to form relationships but many people experience food fetishes. Many climax into beans. Let's unpack this further in session, Dean. I can put you in touch with Chickpeas Anonymous. They have meetings all over Jimbaran and Indonesia. check ca.org/find-a-meeting as a start. They have zoom meetings at odd hours as well. You got this Dean . Ca's even got phone lines if you're not ready to face the fellowship (cacanhelp.org/virtual-meetings). Let's explore some resources.
Hi Dean. Dr Marks looped me in on your experience. No judgement, I specialise in this kind of brain glitch. I'm here to get you sleeping and working again without PTSD.
What you experienced was a nocturnal delirium superimposed on a classic case of bean induced flatulance and sleep paralysis. Here's what I believe went down:
1. You have been eating weeks old beans containing oligosaccharides that your guy can't digest
2. Pressure built up. The pressure triggered your Vagus nerve causing vasovagal syncope and you passed out on the couch whilst watching pornographic films about legumes.
3. Sleep paralysis kicked in , you woke in REM atonia with a sense of something pressing on you. This was the gut distension. Your brain. Still looping erotic bean flashbacks rendered this as a sexual bean ambush. You had to project the experience of it being forced because you are still in repressed denial about your attraction to your beans.
4. Auditory hallucinations were the gurgling borborygmi gut sounds due to extreme intestinal distress. The whispers and thuds were your bodies own explosive flatulance that was lifting the couch. You need to now drink a lot of water Mr Meldrum. This should commence immediately.
5. Addressing the point in which you climaxed into a large swollen "leader" kidney bean, which I know causes you substantial distress. Rest assured you did not. Let's look at why a fart coma might have transferred into a perceived bean bukkake finale.
The sexual overlay: pelvic referral + dopamine surge. Massive colonic distension stimulates the pudendal nerve plexus. The same superhighway that carries erotic signals from genital to brain. Your spinal cord lazy at 3am mistagged the pressure as sexual stimuli. Add prostaglandins released during gut fermentation and your limbic system lit up.
7. The climax was a harmless nocturnal emission triggered by rem intrusion . You hit arousal while still paralysed. Sympathetic surge from vasovagal recovery + pelvic floor spasmsfrom mass gas expulsion =involuntary ejaculation. Your dream logic already bean obsessed glued the sensation. To the nearest object, the beans. The bean you "finished into" was not actually there.
7. Nonetheless you entered a post orgasmic guilt loop. Post ejaculatory prolactin spike jolted you awake and shame + bean hallucinations cemented the memory as real.
Dean we can discuss this further however you need to leave Mr McWallers freezer and return to your home in Jimbaran. Hiding is only going to worsen the situation. Please return and make contact with me immediately. We can sort this out. I'm here to help. You are going to be okay Dean.
Dr Hargroke