okay... so I fucked up.

the patterns of "dopamine-craving" have grown stronger over the past week, and I've had more difficulty pushing back and/or sitting with those feelings without acting on them. I've been acting on them.

last night involved a lot of (social) alcohol. but the way my psyche relates to drinking, there's kind of no such thing as "social". maybe a taste or a single delicious drink on a special occasion. but no matter how many friends are taking shots, it's not a good fit for me.

tonight involved more alcohol, to start. it then moved to drug cravings, and I made a number of choices that I would not have made, were I sober tonight. some of these decisions are more reckless and damaging than others. I put my health, happiness, and relationship at risk when I do this.

these types of slips are often catalyzed by drinking, but I also notice that by the time I am in the mood to "drink to get fucked up", something is aready wrong inside me.

I want to not drink, so that I can steer clear of making second-order bad decisions. always chasing that dopamine rush, in its many forms.

but I also think that to truly heal and recover from these vices or addictions or weaknesses or whatever I call them, it needs to start with the underlying "source material".

the "why" along with the "what". im not sure though, and to be honest this path is new for me. usually I impose external limitations when I need to get myself in check. but that doesn't solve or heal those parts of me that actively want to use again tomorrow.

to anyone more experienced with recovery, from any sort of addiction or self-destructive patterns... im aal ears.

holding on, no matter how hard 🤍

#recovery

#addiction

#asknostr

#grownostr