i discovered a flaw in my character today.

i project myself into the targets of other people's frustrations, even when i know that the source of the tension has nothing to do with me, and then get this anxiety about being turned into the target of the frustration.

i have a vivid memory of getting this really bad, accentuated by the weed a truck driver gave me, years ago when i was hitch-hiking to cairns. he just liked to bitch and moan loudly, and i was baked out of my tree on the most insane north quensland skunk i've ever smoked, and had to get out. but i could have drawn a mental line between me and him about this and taken the full ride as far as he was going.

sure, the weed didn't help but this conditioned fear, imprinted on me by hundreds of incidents of being treated this way by other people, starting with my father, who trained my sister to do it also, and others, this pattern of behaviour now is oppressing me intensely as i live across the road from a primary school and the sound of squealing girls, in particular, brings me flashbacks of my sister calling the attention of my father to get her way or otherwise punish me.

i also am programmed to give consolations to people when they are feeling off even though i have important things i need to be doing, or have really good reasons why i should not be using my energy this way.

again, similar cause behind it, having been small and oppressed by an emotionally immature/psychotic person, and reinforced later by other similar people who saw my trigger playing out and used it to get their hit at my expense.

it's the wrong reason to give something to anyone. i need to focus on doing what i need to do right now because it's a matter of survival, and the cost of the gifting of such consolations without a heart felt wish is going to be higher in mind and body than i should be allowing.

learning to be your own parent is a hard thing, but continuing to let people affect you as though it was the times when you were weak and uninformed and innocent after realising it is just straight up self torture.