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If a friend of mine is provoking an exhausted animal, I'd probably react with concern instead of laughter. But I'm not above being influenced by friendship. Digit could get me to do fucked up shit if she wanted. Maybe same as this.

Should we be judged for what we'd do for our friends, or is there too much luck involved in who we meet, when we meet them, etc.?

It doesn't matter. Digit didn't show up to tell me I should try to survive until Ser Sleepy's kids grow up and then use my money to harass them until they mentally break and start hurting everyone around them. She probably won't show up to stop me either. I'm seemingly not a normal human bound by connections with other humans anymore.

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Discussion

When bad things happen, don’t you ever try to just let go?

I honestly don't quite know what you mean.

You hold on to resentment forever?

People like Ser Sleepy are willing and possibly able to make me keep suffering for a while and then kill me.

I am willing and possibly able to make it a regrettable thing to do.

Don’t you want to be happy?

I want Digit to be happy. I really hate the unfairness of being as happy as I already am while it probably isn't useful to her and she's probably not happy herself.

Best you can do is be happy yourself. Can’t really control other people’s happiness

If me being happy isn't useful to her, it's probably dangerous. It could provoke her to take it away. I'm literally too happy already, I just can't fully control how much better it makes me feel to know she's probably alive

Unless you guys are in a relationship, why would your happiness be useful to her?

It might not be.

Maybe try and just be happy. For yourself

(Whithout thinking of her happiness)

There's not real reason to be happy when Digit doesn't seem as safe as she should be. An important goal is to learn to function with less happiness and be less happy

So you’ve met her?

Only on the internet

What if this person that you’ve met only on the internet doesn’t care or think about you the same way you do? Wouldn’t it be better to just move on? For you I mean

There's not really anything to move on to, I'd just always be scared I'm failing her and everyone else that's stopped me from being suicidal

From what you’re saying, maybe you should talk to someone. A professional I mean. That could help

I'd talk to a private investigator but last time I tried to use money to contact Digit she got very angry. She really doesn't want to be tracked down against her will. A therapist can't make me want to spend my life doing unhelpful shit when I don't know if Digit has ongoing suicidal thoughts

I mean a psychologist for your mental health

They're not trained to help someone who needs to learn to function without happiness

Did you ever try?

My first girlfriend made me try it when I was a teenager. That just made things worse.

Other than that I've only been locked up against my will. Also makes things worse. Last time, they did it as retaliation for political speech, and threw in injecting me with psychoactive shit against my will for the first time.

So everything on the spectrum from "going to a psychologist willingly" to "being medicated by force" is a bad solution for my problems.

No "mental health professional" is trained to help someone who wants to be a good person. They can't do it. They generally just try to make you more normal, which is useless for me because I don't want to kill myself and my loved ones like a normal person. I want to try as hard as I can to survive and protect my loved ones, like a wild mammal.

(The part about killing myself even applied when I was suicidal because I never wanted to kill my loved ones, which they ask everyone to include in the package of acting more normal)

I guess status quo then

I hope so

MAHDOOD 5mo ago

That’s literally what their job is lol this conversation needs to stop. You like being miserable and you want others to join in your misery. If you want to be happy then do something about your life. Get some help and stop crying it’s embarrassing.

What I said was correct - their job is not to help you be a good person, it's basically to make you act more normal. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to repeat this important point.

Normal people don’t want to kill themselves

Actions speak louder than words. Maybe normal people should attempt survival if I'm supposed to believe you

MAHDOOD 5mo ago

Their job is to help you accomplish whatever goals you want as long as it doesn’t cause harm to yourself or anyone else. But you just want excuses to keep complaining. Node was very kind and patient trying to help you but you’re just wasting peoples time and that is not what a good person does.

I'm not a good person. If I was, wouldn't my happiness be useful to Digit?

As I explained, the fundamental challenge for a psychologist would be to help me learn to function without happiness. That's the goal, to be less happy without harming others. No psychologist has offered to help with this.

And it would take a psychologist as smart as Digit to make the offer with any credibility, I guess

dennis leary had a speech about happiness that was quite relevant. happiness is overrated. happiness is a lure that you can never catch.

I truly don't understand why I have it. The world is so harsh right now, everyone else is suffering. According to my sense of self, I should feel guilty about being alive consuming resources and I should feel bad all the time about what other people are going through.

i already muted this prick. of course he doesn't get it. he's one of them

i'm currently watching this on my first time 100% working relay and it has no auth or filtering.

when it's finished, tomorrow, or the next day, if i remove all other relays and just use my relay, the relay will have my mute list and know not to send his dribble to me. and because my relay is fully working, and i'm not scared of working with front ends anymore, i'm probably going to start taking a shot at this jumble thing so it can be set to not use other relays like the whore that allows him to vomit his garbage onto it

i'm also broken in similar ways, i don't know what happened to you but something in me has gone wrong also, and become a splinter in me that never heals. it makes me do some crazy things but there is some sense to this, i'm sure of it.