As my kids were growing older I saw kids younger and younger get phones with no parental oversight. I had a genuine fear, as a person in tech, about how handheld smart tech could do to our children.

My kids are 16 and 18. We never babysat them with phones. For TV we had all Pixar movies, and any calm british kid shows that you’d never find on hyperactive tv like Nickelodeon. We let them be bored, though. Not a lot of tv and stuff. There’s health in the quiet moments. You learn how the world works by watching it.

We’ve always had a shared household laptop for minecraft and whatnot. Taught them what code is with the coding games and arduino stuff for kids. When we started doing trips, I wanted to see the world through their eyes by the photos they took and to be able to reach them in emergencies. So, I got them iPhones.

At that point they were 10 and 12. I set them up in full lockdown. On an iCloud account that I controlled, Screen Time locking out installs and everything. Only things on the phone were useful stuff. Phone, Text, Camera, FindMy. Raw usefulness and zero entertainment or connectivity.

I communicated that other kids were getting fed shit by these apps, and that the apps were intelligently designed to wire their brains wrong. I asked them to trust me and that sometimes it would suck because other kids would have apps and conversations that they wouldn’t get to be part of, but the reason is for long term benefit.

I told them they’ll have a long life of using technology. First we learn how to use the world, have real life friends, know ourselves and know where technology fits best for us. Then we can put the tech we choose in our pockets where we can keep tabs on the habits that it wants to give us.

In the quiet times they never reached for their phones. They never felt like they needed their phone with them unless we were on the go and would need to communicate for some reason.

The unlock PIN on both of their phones was the same. Everyone in the house knew them. I told them, “never text anything that you don’t want others to find out or to read back to you when you’re in trouble”. Hopefully this helps keep them out of court in the future. Texted words can be the worst kind of boomerangs.

At age17, I left Screen Time on for measurement and joint review to help teach self management, but I let apps be added that didn’t appear to be actual security threats and didn’t have a legitimate reason for veto. At 18, the phone is his, the passwords are his and he does what he wants.

I can vouch that this has worked as far as I can tell. These two kids are very well adjusted, have real relationships, have comfort in talking with people in person, and understand that we should use tech, not the other way around. I just followed my gut. Fingers crossed that it laid a good foundation.

I’m excited to see dumb phones hanging on and coming back. Cheers to exploring for the right approach early. Hope my path traveled lends some insight to a fellow father.