I've done a lot of research and these are the current-day options for NFTs and tokens on Bitcoin. None of them work for my use case. I honestly think the Taro protocol will make all other cryptos obsolete. But that day is timelocked to the indeterminate future...

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Many Bitcoiners reject the notion of building tokens and NFTs out of hand without understanding that if Bitcoin gains this ability, it will make every other crypto immediately obsolete (unless you need turing-completeness, lol). Taro pretty much does this.