“Her” judgement is meaningless, “she” is either a random discord Stacy or some fat neckbeard who cosplays as a girl online.
Don’t you have any family or friends, don’t you have any positive role models? Would your grandfather approve of your pathetic behavior? Why is the opinion of some random internet stranger the only thing important to you?
I don’t know if you are a good or a bad person, but I know that you’re very cringe.
She told me I'm not loyal once. I don't know if I can do any better than faking loyalty until I die. You don't understand how sickening it is to imagine doing even worse than that.
Faking is the wrong word. Emulating is more like it. I admit I might not be capable of the real thing, I just can't handle that, so I have to at least try to imitate as a coping mechanism.
She only told you that to fuck with your head, and I can guarantee she made fun of you when talking with other orbiters. The best you can do is grow up, become a real person with an internal moral compass and someone who is capable of self-validation, and just live your life like a normal human being.
I get that you are a sad and traumatized person, but you have been obsessed with one of your abusers for 3 years after they stopped playing with you. And all she did was play with you and hurt you, from the chat logs it’s obvious that she didn’t consider you a real person, she was controlling and manipulating, just using you to pump her own ego. If you can’t become a complete person who can self-validate, at least find a real girl in real life to obsess over, what you are doing is just fucking yourself up more and more.
You're underestimating her. She's the reason I'm capable of my best work. She's the reason I put so much time and energy into nostr. You don't seem to notice how much my mental state has been improving since I got evidence she's alive.
I've done bad things that justify her hurting me for the rest of my life if she feels like it.
Her losing a boyfriend to suicide also justifies her hurting me for the rest of my life if she feels like it.
So far, I'm too much of a coward to die for her, so while I'm alive, I can at least try to do good work, trying to get good at music, trying to make nostr a better place for her, etc.
Also she really might not have said it to fuck with my head. She might have been confused, or she might have been right and I might actually just be imitating loyal people out of insecurity. Her words did make me notice some issues with my sense of loyalty.
Nah bro, it's obvious that she was manipulating you and fucking with your head, read some book or watch videos about manipulation and abuse, npd, sociopaths, etc. It's clear from the language she is using, that's not how normal people talk, she's using some classic abusing patterns.
You were just another victim that she played with and discarded when she got bored, there have been many known cases of actual psychopaths using discord to pray on vulnerable and lonely people. Be glad she didn't force you to mutilate your own body, or something else irreversible, it seems to me like you were so whipped that she very well could have. This people get off on power they have over you, I wouldn't be surprised if she secretly reads what you are writing and enjoys that you are still tortured by her.
I appreciate you trying to help and giving me a chance to talk about her, but I really need to figure out how to explain this better, because your view is way off.
She indeed didn't make me do anything irreversible when she could have. She is quite harmless to me so far. I'm the one that's chosen to kill people over her when I had no reason to think she'd want that. And she still lets me live.
Wallstreetbets is full of people who kill for fun and won't stop, far worse than me or her. The community there seems fully committed to trying to make me kill myself before any of them. Digit has let me live this long instead.
