Subnostr

when i was 4 or 5 I had a "girlfriend" at school that I was always holding her hand. we would walk down the lane together between the school buildings. I loved her with all my little 4 year old heart and called her my girlfriend.

and it wasn't just at school, i have a picture of holding hands walking down the driveway with my little red-haired girl cousin who i absolutely loved.

so part of me wonders what happened between the little "girlfriends" that I had at 4 or 5 and then 2nd, 3rd grade desire to Only play Make-Believe with girls and avoid playing kickball/soccer with the boys my age (they were boring, unimaginative, dirty). only Will in the next grade up was amazing.

gojiberra 1y ago

The compulsive piece stuck out to me because logically speaking, we have many compulsions and intrusive thoughts that we don't act on.

1. i may have compulsion to drink every day, but I don't do that

2. intrusive thoughts come along from time-to-time but we recognize them for what they are and continue along.

i say this because part of "becoming gay" revolved around my dreams as a kid. If one is attracted to the same sex in a dream, does this mean one is gay and it's dishonest to try to have sex with a woman.

the obsessive part would be "ok i dreamed of having sex with a man, so i should not trick a woman into having sex with me because I'm not 100% sure. and there are plenty of men who will have sex so i don't have to confront this worry about telling a woman that I also have dreams of men."

I definitely had dreams of deer (hey bambi) and I'm not out here trying to have sex with one of those.

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Discussion

gojiberra 1y ago

lots of mentions sex in here to fill the time before 100k bitcoin

no seriously, the quickest person in my life to understand Bitcoin was someone who has OCD.

so all of us that are going to have bitcoin kids, the only purpose of writing all this stuff here is to help us figure out the best practice for future humans.

just like understanding what diet does to body, it's good to know what trickeries OCD might do.

and my "not financial advice" piece.

I love gays, i am/was gay. I love the freedom in this country to be "sexually liberated". i also love the freedom to question that "sexual liberation" from a spiritual perspective.

any change must be a heart change. i have 0 desire for someone to live a certain way because they are forced to. they have to listen to their heart. i love the freedom to follow the heart.

and I pray every day that my heart follows christ.

The Beave 1y ago

This is such an open, honest, deep exploration of this topic in a personal way. Thank you for sharing. Keep up your struggle. 🫂💪

gojiberra 1y ago

Thank you, Beave