what a lovely question thank you
what intimacy is
sharing a moment together actually
bringing something up to someone cos you wanted to tell them felt they wanted to know or gut feeling they would find it so cool or certainly laugh
when a human being, stranger or friend,
just smushes some new thing into a thing, or pirouettes into something, remixes, flips it, or shares something from the night before, or tells you about what their cousin said two weeks ago & it just lands as
real
new real shit
you know what makes me smile?
even if its only a half smile
even if it is more of a grimace but at least my face moved?
like
it just isnt an appropriate question
is what it is
living while living & rotting while living & dying while living
kinda takes all 3 maybe
doing it the slow way
idk
it's a weird question isnt it
worth it
like, imagine i had a five year old with me one day & 3 goats were there & it was sunset & a neighbor, on some weird strange tip for sure cos wtf, was like: so gil, was your mom dying worth it for this moment watching the sunset while the kid is in the field playing with the goats?
would never not for a
moment say it was worth it
doesnt have to be worth it
to simply need doing
the family still here
carrying the ones we lost
making space for the ones coming up
from the earth
never gotta smile about it
smiling never ever required
no one minds or thinks it is weird to cry about really sad painful awful shit
we never have to cheer up in a world of loss, grief, heartbreak, genocide
we really never ever ever have to force a smile or pretend to be ok
pretending to be ok is really alienating
& too much alienation can be fatal, eventually, to the spirit & sense of self
who can see to say
idk to say
im riffin im wondering alloud
& then it starts to ripen & its like
no
effin
wayyyyyyyy
brooooooooooooo
& you are still like 🤔 i may be a fruiting plant of some kind?
imagine not knowing? maybe no seeds ever know
maybe simply one day there it is
a tiny squishy ball
when finally a tomato is born on a branch you think the tomato plant is like 🤯 or like 😌💅
or do you think a tomato seedling still doesnt know cos no mirror to really register height like that
maybe height is just "i feel closer now to the warmth, the sky, the sun than i did 34 days prior for sure"