Yesterday I had a bit of a revelation during meditation. A thought I've often had drifted by, an angry thought about an old slight.

"Why am I thinking about that still?" I wondered, "That's boring old stale news and I'm not even angry at it really anymore."

And I received an answer. Angry is the only energy that gets me activated and doing stuff. The other productive energy motivation would be inspiration towards love or creativity. However, it has happened enough times that when I followed that energy I got shut down by the people around me. I can think of dozens of examples of cleaning or cooking or caretaking etc. that I did out of love, wanting to create a good or at least better atmosphere for myself and the people I cared for, only to have it met with ridicule or rejection.

When that type of shut down happens often enough it like, paralyzes that love productivity energy. I feel sad because it used to be often that I would get the urge to do something nice, and I cannot even identify when it pivoted to 'why bother'.

Anger and spite are fantastic motivators and have really helped me excel on my life journey, I think I could have gotten very depressed and stagnant but anger wouldn't let me. I'm glad for that, but I look forward to letting that energy retire a bit. I want to see what life becomes when the stuff I do is motivated by love and beauty for love and beauty's sake 💖

#meditation #philosophy #anger #productivity #doshit #psychonaut