I have to agree with nostr:npub1rtlqca8r6auyaw5n5h3l5422dm4sry5dzfee4696fqe8s6qgudks7djtfs'S response! I absolutely did not want to or think I should have kids. Not because I felt like a bad person/kid myself but I didnāt think I was raised in a manner that would provide the skills needed to āproperlyā parent. However, I got pregnant and here we are 20+ years later Iām patiently raising the last 2 out of 5. Itās been a wild ride but mostly good.
Discussion
I also agree with nostr:npub1rtlqca8r6auyaw5n5h3l5422dm4sry5dzfee4696fqe8s6qgudks7djtfs's thinking and it probably widely applies.
In my case iām not mentally ill per say but my emotional capacity is limited. Iām high on narcissistic spectrum, have depressive tendencies, I relieve stress by locking myself away and have generally short fuse. I am sure that from education standpoint and generally providing experiences and preparing kid for life I could be doing great. Though I have to think that my heightened egoism and lack of patience is a huge risk for a developing being.
Iām skeptical that someone as self aware as you seem to be would still have trouble with these issues when it mattered. Sure itās hard to change when itās just you and thereās no incentive. But having a child fundamentally changes you. That said itās a very personal decision, so entirely up to you as an individual.
I mean lack of impulse control is a feature of pre frontal cortex so self awareness sure helps it but doesnāt eliminate it, neither do meds š
Also I am guessing that you totally right about ability to self control as the true need arises. What Iām afraid of is compounding stress over submitting to āparents roleā and not giving oneself enough opportunity to balance out (especially with babies and toddlers). I think thats the path to worst case scenario of parents being resentful to children for their state of mind. (Horrible and narcissistic but admittedly is the case way too often)
Yeah you do have to learn to balance self care with toddler care and itās very difficult when theyāre young because their needs are so pressing and immediate. No way around that. Itās sort of a crucible all parents must walk. I was talking to a billionaire last night who told me that when his children were young it was the hardest time of his life haha so thereās no escaping it. And yet itās all so worth it. Hard to explain until you have kids.
My best friend (30+) is a single mom raising twins and her mother is helping with looking after children as the mother is working her ass off to support all four of them.
In the last years the grandmother(60+) has turned absolutely horrible to my friend: blaming her and her children for her own shitty life. To the point of telling her sheās the direct fault of her health problems and when she dies my friend can only blame herself.
I have known both of them since almost 20 years and I believe this behavior is purely compounding stress without ability to take a break.
I love those children like my own, but damn, neither of them four are having a good life.
Being a single mom is definitely not an ideal situation.