Subnostr

Tomorrow is going to be a very special day.

My son turns 15. Also, I will be quitting cigarettes and donuts.

I've been on bupropion since July 1. That should be long enough for it to give me as much help as it can. I've used it before to help, so I *know* it can.

Today I went and bought a couple bags of pork rinds (I actually don't eat these very often, probably been months since my last, but I want something around in case a craving comes along that they can get me past.)

I also bought a dozen donuts. Not just any donuts, but the chocolatey-est filled-est ones I could get. No, they aren't good for me. I'm basically poisoning myself, gorging on chemical trash. But after tomorrow, no more donuts. Not even once in a while. Done. Those were the last thing that would really cause me to break my ketogenic routine - and while I wouldn't have them all the time, maybe once every week or two, that is still more poison than I wish to allow.

I have one more pack of smokes left. Should finish that sometime tomorrow. 4 donuts left, not sure if those will make it to tomorrow.

After all that poison is gone, I will start counting hours. I will count hours until I can count days. I will count days until I can count weeks. If my past is any indication, I don't expect this to all work the first time. I may need to reset my counting a few times to get it right, but I know I can lose a few battles and still win the war.

So here, now. My why. So I can look back at this when I need to. I do not want to have high blood pressure. I do not want to have pattern B cholesterol. This is what I believe I need to do to fix these problems. Doing this will get me through the weight loss (another 60 lbs) that I need to feel I even have a shot at reversing these two issues. I will not be taking blood pressure or cholesterol medication. I can do this by modifying my lifestyle.

That is my positive affirmation of the conviction I have in my ability to change. Stay with me friends, and I will continue to be right here with all of you.

#carnivore

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Discussion

Shashue 🌳🛖⛰️ 1y ago

What worked for me after after almost 20 years as an on/off smoker....

20 pushups whenever I had a craving. Basically every waking hour (about 18 hours a day back then). This was about 12 years ago.

I estimate I completed about 10k pushups in a 3-4 week period before the cravings gradually subsided.

I had an office job back then and many of those push-ups got done in the men's room.

I did gain weight, some good and some bad, But I was able to trim off the bad weight within a few months.

Good luck, I'm rooting for your and I am sure your loved one are too.

I may try this with squats - been thinking about building my legs back up, as they seem a lot smaller after losing the first 70 lbs.

Shashue 🌳🛖⛰️ 1y ago

If your location permits, go for the squats. It doesn't take much. Just enough to get your heart rate up and that usually pushes off the cravings for a while.

Donuts are gone.

Clock starts now.

Almost 3 hrs. GN

Time resets now. :(

10 hrs.

12 hours. this is where it starts to get really rough. really hard to concentrate/focus now.

14 hours. trying to get anything I can done for work so I don't have to concentrate on it anymore.

Wife thought it would be a good idea (for her) to set up a camping trip this weekend. headed out in 5-6 hours, back sometime Sunday. Not sure if this is a good idea or a bad idea, but doing it anyway. Might be miserable. might have been miserable anyway, just in a more familiar place.

these are the times I just need to ride the energy fields for a bit and not worry about anything.

This was a bad idea. Way too much time and space. Lost the battle, but the war is still underway.

I made it 25 hours though, and I will do it again, however many time it takes.

Giving it another serious go. A little over 8 hours in. And that's the furthest I've gotten since the 25 hour stretch. the signaling happening in my mind is insane. I wish I was busier at work.

12 hours.

15 hours.

Just doing the math to figure out it was 15 hours was a strain. my mind is ridiculously scattered. If I do find a moment of focus, I do so at the cost of completely forgetting about everything outside of that focus, which is very odd for me; I'm used to juggling multiple tasks and priorities.

My mind is attacking itself, of course. I know that, and I know it will pass.

I did two sets of 10 squats (just body weight) last week during the 25 hour stretch. Not really to push through a craving - my cravings themselves are more like fits of frenetic reasoning. Anyway, didn't have any problem doing the 20 squats. The rest of the day, my legs were toast. Like I wasn't at all confident going down (or up) stairs without using a handrail. Just jelly. Next day, definitely painful. Day after, painful. day 3 - mostly better, just a little pain on standing up.

It's been a long time since such a simple "workout" hit that hard. most people are probably like "leg day, bro", but I used to do some pretty serious leg days. I would do squats all the time, just for fun, or even to break up segments of walking/jogging/running.

I stopped because of some physical ailments, and some other priorities. I probably haven't done a real leg day in 5 years, despite being pretty active when I could be. I had some knee problems that really made me shy away from squats over the last couple years. At the same time, I went meat based, lost a bunch of weight, etc. I have the energy now, I've got the knee healthy enough to do body-weight resistance exercise, and my legs have shrunk down to the thinnest (leanest) I have ever seen them. I've been putting off building them back up until I hit a future weight loss goal, but fuck that. I don't like how weak my quads look, so it's time to push them a little bit.

Apparently 20 squats is more than a little bit. Fuck. I'll do it again with 10 squats.

Just shit I wanted to share. Cheers fam.

16.5 hours. now comes the tough part. wife home from work, she smokes so ciggies are easy to get from her. Just got to make it through the next 5-7 hours and I will be asleep and ok for some hours. But I need to make it through the next hour first, and the next minute before that.

So, I don't normally have anxiety, but nicotine withdrawal gives me this feeling in the pit of my stomach (actually, maybe more just a tightness or emptiness in my chest in general) that I can compare to similar physical anxiety symptoms. It feels similar to hunger, so I want to feed it - but it isn't really hunger, so it never really gets fed.

I'm sure my normal satiety sense is weakened by all this. I know I'm eating more than usual, but I made that deal with myself already - I'm going to be OK with eating things I normally wouldn't, like granola bars, or almonds, even peanut butter and hot fudge, if they are helping get me through the next 72 hours, and really the next 3 weeks. I'm not going to eat donuts, and I don't see most vegetables or fruits helping much. The truth is, I'm not physically or emotionally addicted to that shit. If I fuck up my ketosis or whatever for a few weeks, big fucking deal, at least I might kick the nicotine that I am actually addicted to. After I get past that, it should be no big deal to not eat all the other shit I haven't been eating anyway.

Will any of it really help? Probably not. but maybe it will distract me just enough if I pretend.

I was just thinking - should I go down to the fast food place and get a big nasty bacon cheeseburger? and I know I could. But I think even if I did, I would still ask for it with no sauce or veggies, toss the bun in the trash, and end up eating meat and maybe a slice or two of bullshit fake cheese.

I really liked pizza even, and I would rip the meat and cheese off the top of a couple slices if I wanted some nostalgia. I even ordered a thin crust with lots of meat toppings pizza for Bitcoin Pizza day and slammed that whole thing in my piehole - but that kind of did it for me.

I can't un-know what I know now. Even if I "cheat" or whatever, I know it isn't food, just nostalgia or emotion. I don't see even going back to pretending that I am being healthy eating plants, or balanced anything. I like balancing a pat of butter on my steak while its melting. That's my fucking balanced diet.

I'm not sorry for using certain words. fuck that. I also don't care much about grammar or capitalization right now. and if you're reading this, you already know this is the rambling of a poisoned mind.

18.5 hours. 3-ish hours until sleeping time. No further responsibilities for today. This may be the most challenging part.

21 hours. Holding strong. GN if I don't make it back here.

31 hours. better than my last push. Maybe this is the one that gets it done.

36 hours. still have the anxiety knot in my stomach. still feeding it with bullshit, but not nicotine.

44 hours. Feel shitty, but it will get better soon enough. Well past halfway through the worst stretch.