Hey, Nostr…

This is an #introductions post, but it’s not my first npub.

I’ve become quite close with many of you over the course of 2023. I consider a number of you to be real friends.

But I haven’t found the courage to open up some of the personal struggles I’m facing. Partly out of shame, partly out of the fear of validating my failings by putting them in writing.

But what I do know is the love and support and kindness that exists among this crew, and I’m feeling like I could really stand to lean on that energy a bit right now. I’m hopeful that, even through this anon account, there’s room for friendship, freely given.

I’ve struggled with a range of compulsive/risky/addictive behaviors for a long time, but it’s gotten harder lately. It’s the devil I’ve danced with since my teenage years, and it’s been especially difficult lately to align my active behavior with my heart, intuition, and personal goals.

I believe I “trained” my neural pathways to lean on various dopamine/reward pathways in times of stress during my adolescent development - or, to be honest, from a much younger age - and these mental habits have become deeply ingrained.

It’s not one specific “addiction” the way that people often struggle with, but my tendency to fall into patterns of substance abuse and other ego-inflating activities goes through cycles, which I’m just beginning to understand come from very deep, old parts of myself, and it feels like things have been escalating farther outside of a level of baseline acceptability lately.

I can point to various moments of trauma or conditioning that led me to try to self-soothe in these ways, and I’ve developed compassion for the parts of myself that are “trying to help” even in self-destructive ways.

But I’ve had a harder time with everything lately than I have in a long time. I don’t feel able to share this with my partner, but I am recognizing that it may be too much to handle on my own. Because I’ve tried for years. Self-imposed rules aren’t enough, because they don’t heal the broken parts. And I’m afraid that I’m risking the things I hold most dear, including my loved ones and my own self-worth and self-respect, if I don’t find a way through this.

I know some of you have faced things like addiction, trauma, loss, and personal failures. And I’ve seen the beautiful people that you are. I know and recognize that beauty in myself too, but I’m continually undermining my own happiness and fulfillment. I’m learning to pray again, to turn inward and connect with myself. But I’m also deeply stuck enough that I keep ending up in those patterns that hurt my heart and betray my soul.

I don’t even know if anyone will see this. If the default relays on this client have wide reach. If my VPN is effective or if I’ll dox my identity here.

But man… I sure could use a few kind words, advice, or encouragement from others who have been in a similar place before. If you’ve read this far, I already deeply appreciate you. You’re probably one of the friends I’ve made this last year 🫂