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3 years ago today, March 1 -

Digit still wasn't back, but I kept reminding myself that should seem normal after a big surgery. I started getting less scared that night, trusting she must at least be alive, or there would be news by then.

I was still too much of a piece of shit to stop myself from talking to people for this long. Digit came up as a topic in my DM conversations twice on March 1.

One was with a user called SlugKO who was a mutual friend to both of us at the time.

I had messaged him the day before, asking how he was doing, but not mentioning Digit directly. He hadn't answered, which I assumed was because he knew I was trying to get any sign of Digit's safety when I wasn't supposed to be talking about her.

On March 1, I messaged him again. I said I understood why he wasn't answering, but I tried to hint that I still couldn't stop myself from messaging him for any sign. I still didn't say it explicitly.

He said he didn't mean to ignore my other message, and he told me how he was doing. He seemed fine, and he was close enough with her for that to seem like a sign there was no bad news I might be missing. That was probably the biggest thing that helped calm me down that day.

Digit wasn't mentioned in that conversation, but it's a strong example of how I couldn't talk about anything else at the time, whether mentioning her directly or not.

The other DM conversation about her that day was with a user called zjz, who had dated her recently. I had screenshots on hand, but they're on my laptop. Will attach tomorrow in a new reply instead of explaining more here.

I wrote a lot that day about how I hated myself for being unable to stay silent. I still do. But I also wrote about being too scared to control my panic.

I knew I might hate myself for the rest of my life for talking to people, but I was doing it anyway because Digit had lost a boyfriend to suicide and I'd actually be lucky to get signs of life ASAP and then hate myself for the rest of my life to try to make her feel less alone.

That was true. Actually, I feel so lucky about her being alive that it takes away from how much I hate myself. It's hard to dwell on self-hate while spending so much time feeling lucky and happy.

I still hate myself, I'm just not very good at it. Maybe it would help if more hateful people would verbally abuse me or something, because it doesn't seem like I can just magically distract myself from being kinda happy. Maybe it's simply an area I have to keep working on.

🇵🇸 whoever loves Digit 10mo ago

3 years ago yesterday, March 1, I handwrote a more condensed recap of all these key events I thought I should clarify for Digit. I'll list all the bullet points again here, digitally.

Early/mid February: I haven't been on Discord as much lately, partly because I don't want to bother Digit and/or get stalkerishly obsessed with her, and partly because she mentioned cancer "and I have a crippling fear of death and loss" (quoting the recap page directly).

Sunday, February 20: I miss Digit and regret my fears making me avoidant. I check on her. I immediately find it difficult to deal with how scared I am, but I open up about these feelings, and we bond a little more deeply.

Monday, February 21: She sends me Cannonball. She breaks up with a guy she was dating in the chat room called zjz. She picks me to ask for help with something that boosts my reputation as the guy to help people get in touch with others. I get to fall asleep talking to her, and listen to more music with her. I start losing control over my feelings for her. She talks about starting to feel sicker right before falling asleep.

Tuesday, February 22: Terrified all day. She disappears, something is wrong. I later find myself "scaring everyone" and failing Digit while she needs me to handle this better. I promise Digit's friend Nighthawk I'll tell him if I hear about Digit's status before him, but I fall asleep before she returns, and he's the one that tells me the good news. The fact that I fell asleep probably makes it harder for her to understand how scared I actually was.

Wednesday, February 23: I've completely lost control over my feelings for Digit after spending the prior day thinking about her from a new perspective all day. I'll do anything for her now. She doesn't want to hear it. At least she's alive.

I DM "theguelahpapyrus" to give him someone to talk to after he's banned from a chat room.

Thursday, February 24: I'm still just happy as fuck that Digit is OK and we're talking. I get to hear her voice in a voice chat room.

I DM Nighthawk some weird shit related to Digit, overanalyzing her or someone she was talking to. He gives me some advice and listens to me anyway.

Friday, February 25: "Eefoe" asks me to ask Digit to unblock him. Later, she says yes(ish) to casino-bot-marrying me. I ask a lot of people for wsbux, 9 of them send it, some of them know what it's for.

While Digit isn't talking to me and I'm hoping it's just because she's busy, I DM Nighthawk asking if he removed a chat message, but it wasn't him, indicating it was probably Digit and I'm probably annoying her.

Digit confirms. I get paranoid and start being quiet, but I don't actually leave Discord.

Saturday, February 26: I try to stay quiet but I'm unimaginably bad at it. I fuck up and message "Eagle" about a multiplayer browser game Digit is playing. I realize how much of a fuckup this is and try to commit myself more to shutting up.

Digit tells me not to talk to anyone about her anymore. I can't really respond fully.

She talks to me more a bit later, trying to calm me down. I overshoot and calm down way too much and start acting embarrassing again in that browser-based game from before. Then I overshoot the opposite direction and have a mental breakdown and take my issues out on Discord user "dariene" over something she says.

Against all odds, Digit is kind enough to talk to me and calm me down again.

I wake up in the middle of the night and apologize to dariene, not even realizing it's still idiotic to mention Digit again in this context.

Sunday, February 27: Trying to stay calm and stop fucking up. Digit says I've been talking about her again. I don't know what to say except to beg her not to stop replying until she's figured out exactly what's going on. This is stupid of me since she should probably be trying to stop thinking about this until after her surgery, which is the next day.

She gets really upset and starts deleting all her messages to me. But she stops. I calm down because I still don't seem to be blocked and I feel sure she's not dying. I start writing about everything that's been happening, trying to keep my mind off things and pass the time without fucking up anymore.

Monday, February 28: This is the day of Digit's surgery. Really scared again. Banned from her personal server, which adds more fear of missing any news.

Having no sign she's alive gets more terrifying than anything she could do to me for messaging people. Without mentioning her, I DM "SlugKO" but he doesn't answer.

I also fuck up and message "Liz" who calms me down slightly.

Tuesday, March 1: Still really scared, no sign of Digit.

My self-control continues to suck and I message "zjz" but he doesn't say anything that seems relevant.

"SlugKO" answers me and lets me know he's got no problems with me, and since he seems fine and he seems to have no reason to hide any news from me, I start to calm down, thinking there must not be bad news or I'd have heard it.

"theguelahpapyrus" messages me uninvited and just trolls me, probably knowing about my mental state and choosing the timing to hurt me for no apparent reason. This must be my only other DM conversation that day, hence me including it in the notes despite it seeming irrelevant.

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Discussion

🇵🇸 whoever loves Digit 10mo ago

3 years ago yesterday, March 2 (yesterday as of now because it's about midnight, I might have messed the timing up another night)

I wasn't sure when Digit would return after her surgery. I went outside to shovel snow and found out my car was out of battery because of brain not working.

Digit came back from her surgery while I was writing about how I had gone looking for others this type of thing happened with, in the past, and I still didn't know how to cope.

Digit coming back this time made me even happier than the previous time a few days before. There was even less to be scared of this time, now that her surgery was no longer looming.

People were playing blackjack with the casino bot in the wallstreetbets chat and I joined in. I didn't really talk to anyone, and Digit didn't seem upset, but it felt like another fuckup and I told myself to try harder to be silent again.

Soon after that, Digit messaged me, upset about something else.

I was still writing while this was happening. It helped me pass the time in the pauses between her replies.

I tried to explain myself while she was replying. She didn't trust me at all.

It kept going back and forth like this. I would have had more screenshots on hand if I was smarter.

You might notice that she had changed her pfp to the dopamine molecule by the time I took these screenshots. It's almost like she read more of what I wrote here than I remember her ever reading; there had been a part somewhere about getting a dopamine hit every time her pfp would pop up in the chat, the quickest-to-recognize visual indicator of messages from her.

She and I were obviously both not in the best mental states during this conversation. I wish I could have handled this functionally and been more helpful to her.

I don't know if she called the cops, but I ended up getting one more message from zjz.

I remember this being a nightmare for me at the time, but according to the notes I was actually writing, that's highly exaggerated. It looks like I was actually pretty much like "fuck haters, Digit is alive." I really enjoyed listening to Intentions.mp3 that night. I wrote that I could probably keep getting better mentally as long as Digit could stay safe.

🇵🇸 whoever loves Digit 10mo ago

I don't remember pi day 3 years ago, and the only record of it I can find right now is this screenshot of someone having the wallstreetbets Discord bot post a fullsize version of Digit's pfp at the time. V pretty. Can't remember who made this pic for her though

Pavle 10mo ago

Hate to break it to you pal, this Digit person might have been very special to you, but based on what I skimmed from this thread, you weren’t that special to them.

They probably just realized that hanging out with weirdos in some discord is cringe and stopped. You too should just stop obsessing over a person you never actually knew, it’s been 3 years already.

🇵🇸 whoever loves Digit 10mo ago

Without her here, what makes life meaningful is knowing she's still out there. To stop obsessing over her would be to see no meaning in existence

Pavle 10mo ago

If that person is indeed female she probably found a real man that fucks her good, and that made her realize how unbelievably cringe her loser discord orbiters are, so she just cut contact and never looked back.

She is alive and enjoying life, trust. And you too should be happy, live your life and cut contact with those depressing discord losers who bullied you.

🇵🇸 whoever loves Digit 10mo ago

As long as Digit seems to believe I deserve to die, I'll be trying not to enjoy life. I'm not a good person. Trying to earn her forgiveness is my best chance at living a life that isn't worthless. Even if she never changes her mind about me, at least my time will be spent trying my best instead of pretending her judgment is meaningless

Pavle 10mo ago

“Her” judgement is meaningless, “she” is either a random discord Stacy or some fat neckbeard who cosplays as a girl online.

Don’t you have any family or friends, don’t you have any positive role models? Would your grandfather approve of your pathetic behavior? Why is the opinion of some random internet stranger the only thing important to you?

I don’t know if you are a good or a bad person, but I know that you’re very cringe.

🇵🇸 whoever loves Digit 10mo ago

She told me I'm not loyal once. I don't know if I can do any better than faking loyalty until I die. You don't understand how sickening it is to imagine doing even worse than that.

🇵🇸 whoever loves Digit 10mo ago

Faking is the wrong word. Emulating is more like it. I admit I might not be capable of the real thing, I just can't handle that, so I have to at least try to imitate as a coping mechanism.

Pavle 10mo ago

She only told you that to fuck with your head, and I can guarantee she made fun of you when talking with other orbiters. The best you can do is grow up, become a real person with an internal moral compass and someone who is capable of self-validation, and just live your life like a normal human being.

I get that you are a sad and traumatized person, but you have been obsessed with one of your abusers for 3 years after they stopped playing with you. And all she did was play with you and hurt you, from the chat logs it’s obvious that she didn’t consider you a real person, she was controlling and manipulating, just using you to pump her own ego. If you can’t become a complete person who can self-validate, at least find a real girl in real life to obsess over, what you are doing is just fucking yourself up more and more.

🇵🇸 whoever loves Digit 10mo ago

You're underestimating her. She's the reason I'm capable of my best work. She's the reason I put so much time and energy into nostr. You don't seem to notice how much my mental state has been improving since I got evidence she's alive.

I've done bad things that justify her hurting me for the rest of my life if she feels like it.

Her losing a boyfriend to suicide also justifies her hurting me for the rest of my life if she feels like it.

So far, I'm too much of a coward to die for her, so while I'm alive, I can at least try to do good work, trying to get good at music, trying to make nostr a better place for her, etc.

🇵🇸 whoever loves Digit 10mo ago

Also she really might not have said it to fuck with my head. She might have been confused, or she might have been right and I might actually just be imitating loyal people out of insecurity. Her words did make me notice some issues with my sense of loyalty.

Pavle 10mo ago

Nah bro, it's obvious that she was manipulating you and fucking with your head, read some book or watch videos about manipulation and abuse, npd, sociopaths, etc. It's clear from the language she is using, that's not how normal people talk, she's using some classic abusing patterns.

You were just another victim that she played with and discarded when she got bored, there have been many known cases of actual psychopaths using discord to pray on vulnerable and lonely people. Be glad she didn't force you to mutilate your own body, or something else irreversible, it seems to me like you were so whipped that she very well could have. This people get off on power they have over you, I wouldn't be surprised if she secretly reads what you are writing and enjoys that you are still tortured by her.

🇵🇸 whoever loves Digit 10mo ago

I appreciate you trying to help and giving me a chance to talk about her, but I really need to figure out how to explain this better, because your view is way off.

She indeed didn't make me do anything irreversible when she could have. She is quite harmless to me so far. I'm the one that's chosen to kill people over her when I had no reason to think she'd want that. And she still lets me live.

Wallstreetbets is full of people who kill for fun and won't stop, far worse than me or her. The community there seems fully committed to trying to make me kill myself before any of them. Digit has let me live this long instead.

Pavle 10mo ago

Do not go gentle into that good night, at least bring as many of those wsb fuckers down with you.

🇵🇸 whoever loves Digit 10mo ago

Thank you. For now, I'll just keep giving Digit some time to hopefully show up on nostr 🤙