Discussion
I understand that this is good advice but I'm simply not capable of it
You can't reapectfully forgive someone that's not asking for it.
Yes, I can. Maybe because I don't hold gruges?! I never stay mad nor angry at people.
If they don't view themselves as being in the wrong, then telling them that you forgive them is insulting.
If you're not telling them, then you're not involving anyone else, so no one is forgiven.
The act of forgiveness is done internally and in silence. If you don't forgive, you will be kept in mental struggle and negative and intrusive thoughts will continue to manifest. Even unconsciously. Anger and resentment builds, therefore.
You don't have to be angry at someone to not forgive them. I'm don't agree that my mother-in-law should have sent her adult daughter's emotional support dog out of the house, but I'm not upset by it. I don't see any purpose or benefit to attempt to convince myself her actions are acceptable.
Also, I completely disagree that forgiveness is solo activity. You can't forgive someone that doesn't ask for it first. The rest is ego-stroking.
To anger be built, the situation at hand must be, at least from the perspective of the "victim", really bad.
You don't go over a psychopath, or a violent person and ask for forgiveness. Chances are you put your life at risk and they will "play you" all over again.
Yes, two adult persons, healthy ones, can forgive and be forgiven over a conversation. Redemption does not need an agressor to ask for forgiveness, he can simply just change behaviour.
Unfortunately there are some people in this world that damage other people's life, forever. The act of forgiveness is essential to have a better life. That does not mean excuse or forget what has been wrongly done.
The etymology of "excuse" is:
"attempt to clear (someone) from blame"
also:
"pardon"
ex (meaning out or away)
causa (meaning accusation or justification for action)
The etymology of forgive is to "grant or pardon". Something that cannot be done solo.
I disagree that forgiveness (of people that aren't sorry) is essential for a better life. Better than what? Is my life so horrible because I won't forgive my mother in law for removing the dog? I have no emotions regarding the issue.
If pretending that forgiveness took place helps you process your emotions, and get them out, then it's healthy, but it's not forgiveness. If it's just a way to ignore your anger, it will kill you.
It is, when the act of forgiveness does not allow the person to move forward in life in a healthy manner.
You are using an example of a situation that does not implys a degradation of ones life and relations.
Have you ever felt anxiety?
Have you ever felt anxiety, every day, in an extend of 3 years, constantly, non stop, all the time? Do you know the repercussions of it on a daily basis? People tend to isolate, they do not want to be around other people, everything triggers them, they also don't want to be a burden to others.
Everything exists on a spectrum, and not everyone react the same way in different situations.
That’s a Fuck NO! I *rarely* forgive, and it doesn’t hurt me nor do I carry any anger for anyone!
When someone gets CUT OUTTA MY LIFE, that is it and they will *NOT* be ever returning!
Obvi, I think very long and hard about what they did to ROYALLY FKING PISS ME off and *WHY* they deserve to be CUT OUTTA my life!
Usually, I tell people exactly what it is they are doing and give them several chances before they get FILTERED OUT FOREVA!
Forgiveness does not imply that you excuse or forget the wrong doings of another.
Some people, that have been violently hurt, almost killed, have difficulties to forgive the abuser, and I understand.
I completely understand, but until the act of forgiveness is not done they life in a very mental fragile state of anger and intrusive thoughts about the abuser which prevents a healthy balanced life. Always triggered, with fight or flight responses to others.
PTSD and CPSTD are no joke, as consequences of trauma. In most cases, depending on the gravity of the situation and also the support net around, that can be non-existant in some cases, or even the refusal of self, therapy is needed.
Actually, I was SUPER CLOSE to being killed several months ago and it happened cuz of STRESS caused by an ASSHOLE guy, who was doing it intentionally and the STRESS affected my body physically! 😡
And NOPE, I do *NOT* fking forgive him nor his also IGNORANT STUPID girlfriend, (both short and *NOT* attractive!), nor anyone they are related to or friends with!
Anyway, I’m at peace with myself and DO have a trigger now cuz of what I’ve been dealing with for over 5 years!
But it’s ME who is a non-paid Therapist to my guy friends!
And I’m normally a very Chill person!