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Sorry, I missed your reply on the new Nostrudel notification layout 🤔

'Coming to terms,' well, I don't know—it was a long series of my expectations being too high and not being met repeatedly, but sometime around nostr:nevent1qvzqqqqqqypzqk3xrfsnzx2xmyex4323n8jfg2hq6ygss66uyx5g2uzncsht63yqqy88wumn8ghj7mn0wvhxcmmv9uq3wamnwvaz7tmjv4kxz7fwv9a85ctdduhxuet59uqzqfmfgg94vzfphtlzfxke80gxgwgayl9vkk9dxfych6rekzxyks54543xvj

my subconscious part of mind finally (or unfortunately) caught up and stopped projecting my fantasies, so I no longer see a future where it could lead to any kind of remotely FLR fun. We have to find out how to walk first again I guess, with jobs, kids (which are definitely a big part of why things have changed, but not to blame), friend circle getting more settled too.

Maybe I am just getting old 😅

purrs_for_Her 2d ago

wow

thank you for sharing

what an interesting topic

i want to take some time with a response, but maybe i should just write something longer

idk

anyway, i think there is too much overlap between FLR and femdom (something i'm guilty of myself). this is why fantasy often bleeds into the relationship.

ironically, letting go of an "FLR fantasy" is the first step towards an FLR. and when you say, "we have to learn how to walk first again," that's correct, but also learning to see again—through the eyes of a lover rather than through the lens of a fantasy.

FLRs are essentially D/s relationships—which are not for everyone. but if you feel that this style of relationship is for you, if you feel that submission is more part of your character than sexual expression, then surrendering your fantasy is the the very first step of submission.

and if it's not, then that's okay too. because then you can have more clarity within yourself and for your partner so you both can grow toward a place of mutual understanding and intimacy.

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Discussion

Subema 2d ago

Thanks for the reassuring words. We actually discussed with my wife that she might feel 'less under expectation to perform,' so to say, and that could help her feel more comfortable in it. Seeing that after three months, I think I can cast at least foreshadowing and say that, if it ever was an issue, it was a stand-in at best.

The D/s relationship is definitely not for everyone, but I thought/hoped that being 'merely' on the receiving end—as I put her on my goddess pedestal—would be manageable. And to complicate things more, as I have physical touch as my primary love language, the relationship for me vines around physical intimacy (not necessarily sex, you get the gist). That's both a foreign language and a different speed of speech: she likes things to move fast and reach things swiftly, I am more of a prolonged outercourse guy 😅

Nothing is a problem by itself, and we managed to work things through in a relationship longer than many marriages, but it costs energy, and with things like they are now, energy is at a premium.

So I think when you can't change the circumstances (kids have kinda grown on me), you must change yourself.

purrs_for_Her 2d ago

well, there's so much to unpack here. and much more than i'm able to handle, as i'm not a coach or expert of any sorts. but i can share my experience and take from it what you will.

as it sounds like you found out, you can't one-side a D/s relationship (or any relationship for that matter) because there is no structure, which is the primary point of a D/s relationship.

by putting her on a pedestal, you were in a way objectifying her—so what she "received" from you was still "for" you, if that makes sense. this is were the feeling of pressure came from. and because it was primarily for you, that devotion was never recognized and received in a way that you needed. so no wonder it felt exhausting.

i'm not sure if you experience submission as just a kink or as an expression of love—because for me it's how i show love, feel intimacy, and find meaning. and from our brief conversations here, i'm guessing that you feel submission in a similar vein. but, ultimately, it's up to her whether she can recognize it and whether she is able to receive it. and if she can't, submission is just draining...

without her acceptance, your offering falls flat; that's a painful place to be. what you're coming to terms with is more that just surrendering a fantasy, but something your submission could rest in. that is not an easy thing to carry...

this sounds more like mismatch of orientation than a communication failure—you both seem to communicate well so perhaps something that aligns in reality with both of you will emerge.

i'm not sure if this is something you may find any use in, but i hope it helps.

i'm wishing you the best, fren~

i've tread similar waters.

some things we let go and grieve, others we're able to realign <3

Subema 1d ago

Oh, how I have missed these conversations 😀

That "recieved, but from me" part really rounds it out. I can see now there was a bit of selfishness on my side.

I too hope that things will eventually turns up for the better, but as I said, I am not holding breath anymore given the circumstances. Of course it sucks -I’d been building those castles in the air for a long time -but I do think it will eventually clear up into something better.

It reminds me of a quote I once read: "I don’t think I’m going to get there, but a man bearing my name will." (Granted, it was about No Nut November, but let’s not spoil the moment.)

purrs_for_Her 1d ago

🫂🫂🫂