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GM all. Something very unexpected happened last night. I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in over 2 years at a gas station. We talked for a bit and I found out he recently got divorced and he found out he has MS. He also mentioned depression without coming right out and saying he is depressed. I feel really bad for him, but I had distanced myself from this guy for a reason.

Back when we were friends he got caught cheating on his then gf. I have always really liked his gf, she's a good woman and her and I got along well. When the cheating was exposed I tried to get her to break up with him and may have made a bit of a pass at her, but she decided to forgive him. After that I started to distance myself and lost touch. They eventually got married and have two very young children together now.

I feel like a vulture, but the first thing I thought about after running into him was that I wanted to contact his ex. I have still thought about her occasionally even though I have had no contact with them all this time. I feel like after running into him and finding out he's in rough shape, going right to his ex to reconnect with her instead of him is a dick move. On the other hand he's a cheater and I lost a lot of respect for him after that.

I'm thinking I am going to contact her anyway and offer my support as a friend. I'm not responsible for him, and frankly I don't even know what I could do to help him. I don't really want to resume my friendship with him at all. Her on the other hand, I still care about.

I could use some reassurance that I am not a vulture and this is a socially acceptable thing to do. Anyone have any thoughts on the matter?

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Discussion

Stephen Patrick 🕺🏼 2y ago

I feel like you should give it some more time since the divorce was recent. You’re first instinct is feeling like a vulture, I’d say trust it. If you run into her randomly, then it would be more organic and probably feel better.

Crizzo 2y ago

Maybe just one condolences text though? I feel like if I just wait an arbitrary amount of time it will be awkward when I text her out of the blue. I should do it while I can still say "I ran into your ex last night" instead of "I ran into your ex two months ago"

Once I've made the initial contact I can see how she is doing and maybe back off for awhile if it's still too early.

JoySun 2y ago

Maybe just telling her you ran into her ex is not bad, but I think it's your intentions that matter.

Crizzo 2y ago

I will never run into her randomly unless I stalk her so I went ahead and texted. I said I heard about the divorce, offered condolences, asked how she was doing. She said it's been hard. I agreed that it must be and I told her I'd been thinking about her and hope she was ok. She said she appreciates it.

That's it, I'm going to leave it at that. Maybe check in again in a month or two. She didn't seem excited to hear from me so it's either still too early or she's not interested. Either way I don't think I overdid it and what I said was completely appropriate given the circumstances.

Stephen Patrick 🕺🏼 2y ago

Well played 🤙

JoySun 2y ago

I think it's good you kept it light.

citizen21 2y ago

Desperate vibes from you, my dude.

Crizzo 2y ago

I'm not desperate, but I know that's how it might look which is why I was seeking advice on how to approach this carefully.

citizen21 2y ago

And my advice is not to approach it at all. She doesn’t need your condolences for her recent divorce. Leave her alone.

Crizzo 2y ago

I'm guessing you are probably under 25yo, so you don't really have much experience with adult relationships. Am I wrong?

citizen21 2y ago

Nope. I’m a married 36-year-old with a kid on the way. Try again 😆

citizen21 2y ago

Pro tip: if you don’t want actual feedback from strangers on the internet, don’t ask for it. My wife and I both agreed that your post seemed desperate and creepy. Trying your luck with a recently divorced woman is pathetic, period.

citizen21 2y ago

And finally, my wife would like to underline the point that you’re not only trying it on with a recently divorced woman, but your OLD FRIEND’S ex-wife. This is a sick mindset, regardless of what he did in the past.

Crizzo 2y ago

Well I'm glad you got a second opinion from an unbiased source 🙄

citizen21 2y ago

I didn’t get a second opinion. We were snuggled up in bed reading the feed together. We mean you no harm, mate. But you obviously knew deep down it was the wrong thing to do, otherwise why would you have asked the internet if you were being a vulture? You deserve to find someone to love and someone that will love you back, but this isn’t the way to go about it.

Crizzo 2y ago

Cheerful Samurai 2y ago

I’ll bite. Other’s opinions are not supposed to be important, but often are.

It seems like you already made up your mind but don’t feel good about it. So you’re justifying it by his “cheater” label.

To me - a complete stranger- you’re asking for a lot stress.

Since these people have kid(s) together until the guy dies they will be in each other’s lives.

I would check my own motivations for trying to reconnect with someone whom you went for but didn’t succeed… Are you going for a win or truly want to be with her.

After all there are so many others whom you can have a relationship without all this baggage.

:: As always my comments are intended for uplifting purposes.

Please use what works for you and kindly ignore the rest :::

citizen21 2y ago

Dunno about vulture, but creepy af. Sure.