Yet again I'm discussing with myself if I really want to keep any bonds to my family. Anyone here who cut bonds to parents and sibling altogether? Anyone with own kids?
Discussion
I haven't cut bonds but I rarely go out of my way. That way I can still love them
What do you mean by going out of your way?
I don't just "pop in" to visit them. My mum passed away 30 years ago, my dad even longer (sort of), so I don't have to worry about them. My brothers are men, obviously, so they can look after themselves. If I got a call or invitation, I would probably go
Oh, ok.
Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. Especially if you feel like your are being drained. Learning to say no helps.
I did my defense well enough so grandma won't dare to say a word to me, my man or my kids. But it's like politely visiting a minefield. Sarcasm and gaslighting over love. It's tiring.
Ouch, sounds bad
You have to look after yourself first.
If you don’t do that you can’t be there for anybody else.
🙋♂️
It’s the best thing I did for my family. In the end, my kids are what matters the most and it’s the best way to protect them. The cycle ends with me.
How did you explain it to the kids? Mine are little, they love their grandma and when they'll hit puberty they'll doubt my judgement. I'm keeping contact just for them.
Mine are all under 10. I’ve told them the truth, in terms that they can understand. As they get older I will be more open and honest about who they come from, so that they can avoid following the same path. For my wife I, it’s the only way to end generational trauma and to end the cycle. My kids need to know their history and who they come from, so that they can end the cycle too.
I haven't been following if you've been sharing.. Been absent.
Are you at odds with other family members or do they merely seem indifferent?
It's a long time, I ran from our house twice and left when I was 19. It takes every few years for me to write my mother she behaved badly and I don't want to stay in touch. She crawls back in my life in some time and within few years tries to bully me again. She's like a pubescent kid. It's difficult to understand what traumas she had, but also protect myself from this utter bullshit. She believes I'm wrong. But now my brother who lives there chased away second fiancee. Including me, they destroyed third young woman who ran away. I don't want to stay in touch with this.
I think the best question to ask is...
"what good would being in touch with them bring me and my part of the family?"
If the net good is negative (receiving bad vibes, anxiety and worry from it), then the best action is to keep your distance.
I hate to be one to recommend that family members stay apart, but I also know from experience how much worry and bother some people can bring into your life.
It's for our kids to have a grandma. Nothing else. She never even borrowed them or took care. We keep it extremely low, just birthdays and Christmas. That seems to work. However dealing with their bs is disappointing and tiring even three times a year.
No, luckily my family isn't insane, and I do like to see and talk to them when I get the chance, even if we aren't super close knit and live pretty far away from each other. My parents and my aunts and uncles all emigrated out of India and landed all over Canada and the US like dandelion, with one unit detouring through Saudi in the 90s and another through Ghana.
Cutting off toxic friends though, very recommended and cheap when you disregard sunk cost. Family matters a whole lot more, but I'd say your descendents are more worthy of your time and attention than your ancestors. Especially since the couple generations above us grew up entirely in fiat clown world.
I still get along very well with my parents. I'm sorry to hear about this issue, though🫂. I do have a cousin (who I no longer speak to) whose mother was very overprotective. She meant well, but she was so scared of being alone that she would project that insecurity onto him. When we still got along he would tell me of how he felt closer to a prisoner than a son.
What's the specific issue you're having?