we had one box tv
a small one giant heavy
my mom hated tv
no tvs in bedrooms
ever was her thing
that is a house rule cos this is her house my dad built for her that she hated the moment it was finished
literally the day it was finished
she wanted a small house in ridgewood instead
anyway
my dad wanted a flatscreen for years
was just doing research
wasnt ready
Fletcher Previn just
without consent mind you
bought one & just sent it to the house
it sat in a box in the hallway
for years
what it is like
to walk into my family room
while palestine is on fire
see your face
be like 😶
while my dad is sitting in the rocking chair he got in maine for my mom
to breast feed me
from thomas moser
that he had restored
cos it broke
they fixed it
just have to blink
cant say im gonna kill that man
cant say anything
just gotta blink
all nonplussed
like this is fine
everything is so normal
cos if i said i was kill that man
my dad would say who
& i was never gonna have that conversation with my dad
cos i would never introduce your existence to my dad that way
no one deserves that
was never ever ever ever ever gonna do that
so just sat there for a bit
watching the halftime show with him so he wasnt alone
also glancing at horrific tweets coming in
in real time
how my mind hasnt broken
is only due
to being
an ndn
im
pretty
sure
like how i didnt
wreck the superbowl
for him
how i just sat there
so he wasnt alone
in the middle of absolute
levels of insane
unintentional
fuckery
i do not woke march around my house
or control my family
at all at all
my dad works really hard
& loves football
i would never shame him into turning the game off
he is aware about palestine
he reads yahoo news & aol stuff
he is a babyboomer dude
i am not the grand inquisitor
like i said earlier
i literally know no one's past lives
which is a thing in my head canon
if you ever
had a life
dying in a coliseum
of any kind
i would absolutely lose it
to see it
i quite seriously dont want to know
cos i actually would
make a time machine
i actually would
i couldnt bear it
people who have been here
a lot & often
on balance of scales
have had some
easy deaths, fast ones, slow ones,
& truly catastrophic ones
i could not handle
you as a small child
torn apart by lions
in front of an audience with your family
i am truly telling you
i would make a time machine
before i was forced to helplessly watch that
lions starving too
just suffering across the board
with a cheering crowd
it is one thing
to by logic have math that tracks
it is another to watch it like a movie
like eyes stolen forced to watch
it is another to feel it embodied
emotionally
i cannot even begin to say
what it is to emotionally embody what is not your own life in the present
like was i supposed to go to grief counseling for parents who lost children as someone who has never even been a mom?
no. insanely disrespectful to do that.
but i was in agony for years.
& if i tried to get help?
with that story?
what would have happened to me.
medication certainly at bare minimum