Dr Mark,
No need to close my shop you say....
Easy for you to say.
Not so easy to run a wrap shop when your beans
🫘sing .
🫘dance and it goes viral on tiktok
🫘try to Give guided tours
🫘Flatulate loudly constantly and the customers think it's me or my staff
🫘Fornicate and hump each other and form mounds and piles like a god dam bean orgy
🫘 Twerk, spontaneously cook themselves , display maps and flash political documents and shadows shaped like things
Dean
Dear "Deano"
Dr Marks here. I sense your frustration. I poke around in your backroom with a magnifying glass and my gas chromotograph for two weeks and yet your situation stays the same. I promised to inform you of my results and I intend to keep that promise.
I will address each of the points you have made about the beans on your premises.
🫘"The singing" classic case of Cavitation within the beans cotyldons. Stored at 18 °C and 72 % relative humidity (your shop’s exact microclimate, according to my data logger), the beans absorb trace moisture unevenly. Tiny air pockets collapse under osmotic pressure, producing audible pops and whistles at frequencies between 1.8 and 3.2 kHz—precisely the range your ear interprets as a Dolly Parton tune.
🫘"The dancing"
What you witnessed is less dancing thzn tumbling. A combination of hygroscopic expansion and minor electrostatic charge (generated when you shift sacks across that wool rug of yours) causes individual beans to repel one another. At critical density—about 640 beans per cubic decimetre—they form transient hexagonal packing arrays that look like synchronised movement under your LED striplights. It’s physics doing the dance, not the beans.
🫘"The fornication"
Certain cultivars exude volatile pheromones—methyl jasmonate and a cocktail of terpenes—when stressed. In a confined space, these compounds trigger neighbouring beans to swell and split their seed coats in a reproductive false alarm. What you saw were two beans rupturing in tandem, extruding starchy endosperm that briefly resembled… well, let’s just say “intimacy.” Entirely asexual, entirely accidental, and thankfully, brief.
🫘"The farting"
Fermentation, pure and simple. A Clostridium spore hitched a ride on last month’s shipment. Under anaerobic conditions in the hessian sacks, it metabolised residual sugars into CO₂ and hydrogen. Pressure builds; the pericarp yields with a pffft. The smell? Butyric acid my friend. Open the vents, rotate the stock.
🫘"The guided tours"
Optical illusion plus confirmation bias. The beans roll downhill along the slight gradient of your floorboards (2.3° slope, northwest corner I measured it myself). Dust motes caught in the convection currents from your radiator create fleeting shadows that your sleep-deprived brain stitches into “processions.”
Please, Mr Deano. Your shop is not haunted and you are not going mad. These phenomena peaked because the atmospheric pressure dropped 12 mb during Wednesday’s storm front—perfect conditions for the above. As the barometer climbs and you implement my three simple fixes (ventilation, stock rotation, and swapping that wool rug for rubber matting), the beans will revert to their customary inert state. You may reopen tomorrow with confidence; I’ve already drafted the all-clear for Environmental Health.
Do ring immediately if you spot anything actually inexplicable. You might consider me a bean whisperer of sorts if you wish. Legumes can be tricky . But with empirical rigour they can usually be sorted out.
Relax, keep the lights on and the door open.
Yours,
Dr Marks, DSc
Senior Behavioural Legume Analyst
Look here fella. And this is the last time I'll be writing to you. I'm done with this. I'm DONE. You keep talkin @ me like I'm a hayseed who wandered in off the turnip truck.
You aren't in my shop at 2 in the morning. I am and I know what I see so quit patting my head with your "optical illusions" "confirmation bias" BS. Like I'm a kid who got spooked by my own beans.
Them beans are farting and fucking no matter what you say and singing and dancing like Dolly Parton. I know the POP of a fart and the steamy gas of fermentation an d I know the stink of both. I know the difference too mark my words. I know when a bean pumps it's sprog into another bean and grunts. IM NOT STUPID OR BLIND.
You come at safe hours, hide behind your clip board, controlled variables peer reviewed blah blah blah. Have you got a time stamped vid of the beans at it have ya? So stop gas lighting me . Stop acting like I'm too STUPID to trust my own senses when I have worked around beans all my life! That counts for something! I know every bean sound, smell, trick of the light out there. So did my daddy and grand daddy and so on going back to early agricultural times. Beans is in our blood and these beans IS DOIN THINGS THEY SHOULD. COULD. WOULD. NEVER. DO.
So stand there in your clean white lab coat. You arrogant chink. So here is the challlenge. You want data? Come see. Midnight. The shop at Jimbaran..just you. Leave your measuring devices behind a d don't scribble no notes and call nothing fascinating. Just come.
Witness visible plume of vapour from hilum of bean. Distinct sulfur- cabbage odor. The bean then visibly dropped, plopped down and sighed as though relieved. My friend from the uni tested the rear gas, it contained hydrogen sulfide, methane, and carbon dioxide. ZERO ethanol or aesthetic acid ruling out fermentation. These are classic flatulence volatiles. We taped a contact Mike to the bean as well . Capturing 7 farts and the sound profile matches flatulance. Mrs Delgado walked in at 3.45am. she gets an insomnia tea. She saw the bean rise, fart, and sink back down relieved. She will also give testimony of such. Quote" I know this sound from my husband after taco night rest his soul."
There is no mistake of pure unadulterated legume rear gas.
Another clear example that Dodge captured. The fart factories making bubbles. This is what they do. Levitate up, push out a fart and then sink back down like the ones on the ground. Sometimes a vapor sometimes a poo bubble. I seen it, dodge seen it, Mrs Delgado and other customers seen it. Dr Marks thinks beans don't fart they are " inert seeds" "fermentation" etc.... ..... Pfft what a joker
Dean, I'm compiling a report based on the account you gave Dr Marls regarding the infiltration of your posterior body cavity by the kidney beans. Please affirm if the following seems accurate
Legume love tunnel _ in which Mr Meldrum was stacked with beans like Pringles In a can. Breach 1 with "big red mean alpha bean" surfing a methane wave in order to peristaltically surf in this then allowed a "pile on" in which potentially thousands of beans entered the internal sphincter proceeding to "jackhammer away" against the anal wall. They seemed to "know the sweet spot" nonetheless this was unwished for and after some hours the entire battalion detonated resulting in substantial cramping and pain that subsided in one hour, with Mr Meldrum "popping a simethicone" (sold as wind-eze)
This was then further complicated as the intake nurse has been besieged by calls from Mr greasy fats McWaller of "McWallers prawn empire" who has sworn an affidavit under oath that he has "caught Deano shoving handfuls of canned beans and prawns up his own stinking arse" like a "deranged enema ritual" in the time he has provided refuge in his walk in freezer that houses copious quantities of old and expired prawns at 22 degrees Celsius.
An escalating erotomanic delusion is now suspected. It is also clear that Fats has turfed out Mr Meldrum in an attempt to air out and thaw his freezer and in a refusal to "house a bean pusher".
As of 5.33 pm Indonesian time the switchboard has received 3 calls regarding Dean's whereabouts
A. Barista at Jimbaran Espresso saw Dean racing down the beach barefoot with cans inserted into his anus, and expired prawns and various crustacean tails trailing and dropping from his shorts
B. Jimbaran Uber, uber driver saw a bean tomato slurry splattering onto the ground as Dean ran
C. Tik tok influencer with 1.2 m followers saw 3 live prawns scuttling behind Dean in formation with pinchers raised and outstretched with footage trending under "beanbumrun" attracting a large viewing
What's this Dr Marks? I didn't wanna show this but you've left me no choice but to expose the peans growing from my beans and I've included the thing it shoots out too. Care to gaslight me into explaining this away Doctor?
No, Dean. We discussed this. Kidney beans are phaseolus vulgaris seeds. Starch, protein, fibre. No erectile tissue, no nerves, no gonads. They cannot form a bean penis, get horny or ejaculate as they have no ATP, myosin orseminal vesicles. Again. The bean cocks you witnessed were tactile hallucinations from gut distension and REM intrusion. The "torrents of bean sperm" were nocturnal emmissions misattrubutef to dream beans. Unfortunately beans are without a libido and unable to form relationships but many people experience food fetishes. Many climax into beans. Let's unpack this further in session, Dean. I can put you in touch with Chickpeas Anonymous. They have meetings all over Jimbaran and Indonesia. check ca.org/find-a-meeting as a start. They have zoom meetings at odd hours as well. You got this Dean . Ca's even got phone lines if you're not ready to face the fellowship (cacanhelp.org/virtual-meetings). Let's explore some resources.
I hope this finds you choking on your disbelief you white coated smug bastard. It's gone next level. This morning I was serving customers when the kidney beans 🫘 - "inanimate plant matter" ( your words) erupted like a red storm. They pinned me to the kitchen tiles their slick little bodies writhing against me in a coordinated bean assault.
Hundreds of them were under my shirt and places they shouldn't be. I felt their intent. You told me last night to seek psychiatric help and today I got gang banged by my own beans. I am covered in bean juice from their beancrotches.
You clipboard clutching vulture. You let this happen. My Dean's beans custom boxer shorts have been shredded. Like wet confetti. Those beans were bloated, glistening , they advanced on me. One of them is lodged in my urethra. It inflated in there and so fat with bean juice was it, it got stuck. It sucked . My precious fluids.
Others engulfed my testicles. Their nasty juices are clinging now dried to my pubic hair area. The leader bean it swelled up big and lowered itself onto me. Despite myself I shamefully ejaculated. Into a BEAN! The shame I now feel. You'll never know.
Despite my momentary pleasure I now vow to destroy every can, every sack, every loose legume in the state. You can either help me or not but the time for games is over. "Doctor" Marks. The beans siphoned my semen and then geysered all over my legs. It was like being covered in salsa. Not good.. My frenulum is slightly torn. I keep replaying in my mind as they took turns, one finishing and rolling off then ten would take its place. All in all thousands of beans participated. Finally I said enough and one shoved it's red glossy face at me and it hissed at me and I heard it say " you boiled my cousin". That was before I passed out. I woke with a big knot of them between my legs still at it.
Is this what you wanted doctor? My customers witnessed this. The shop is never coming back. This is war. War on all beans and their filthy mutations. These aren't the beans I grew up with. I'm leaving Jimbaran. Noone will hear from me again. I'm done with beans. I'm going to make corn dogs.the time for incident reports is well over. Goodbye Dr Marks. This is on you. I feel like screaming inside.
Dean (formerly of Dean's Beans).
