One of my greatest lessons in the past couple of years is that it’s really important to have people in your life who want nothing from you.
Discussion
And equally important for the people who want too much from you to leave.
Such a great point, but has not proven as easy for me to implement.
Here’s my heuristic. All adult relationships demand reciprocity. Are we both giving and getting equal amounts out of this arrangement? If not something needs to change. If I stopped calling you would we still have a relationship? Anything that isn’t reciprocal needs to vanish.
Just avoid the emotional vampires and users.
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A good relationship is voluntary reciprocity.
I'm friends with people I want to help.
They just happen to like helping me back.
So true.
I also can’t hear “emotional vampire” without thinking about the show “What We Do In The Shadows.”🧛♂️
It's not good to form long term relationships with people who want literally nothing from you, because it's a sign they don't practice interpersonal vulnerability through receiving.
The best relationships are give and take relationships, where both people speak truth about what they want and then based on that, decide practically whether a relationship, business partnership, friendship or marriage will work out.
People who only give are codependent, and people who only take are codependent. People who give and take while being up front about what they want and need are, more or less, interdependent, and that is good because they have healthy interpersonal boundaries. In this kind of relationship, both people win.
I don’t agree. I have a lot of friendships where I want nothing from the relationship other than friendship. Doesn’t mean I don’t give anything or that they don’t give me anything in return. There is just never an expectation .
Thanks for responding. The trade you're making in your relationships, as you say, is "friendship," which comes with certain expectations. The thing is, there are healthy expectations and unhealthy expectations. It sounds to me like you don't appreciate unhealthy expectations because it means those people take too much from you. That is good. While healthy expectations sound like, "I will respect you, and I want you to respect me," are probably part of your relationships unless you lack interpersonal boundaries. Healthy and functional people have realistic expectations, as opposed to unrealistic expectations. And this is the same thing, in some sense, as having healthy boundaries which keep the toxic from other people out, while letting the good from other people in. Having realistic expectations and boundaries is good and enhances the joy in relationships, while unrealistic expectations and boundaries is not good and damages the joy and connection in relationships.
I understand what you’re saying, but it’s way deeper than my note. I think most people understand what I was trying to say.
It's clear you don't understand what I'm saying, because I'm making the same material point others are making that you agree with, except I'm delineating and explicating it in a way you aren't used to hearing. However, most people aren't used to hearing the mechanics of interpersonal relationships in detail so I feel sad our lines are crossed. Bless you as you sort out your feelings and relationships.
Lol. Are you a “well achually” guy?
Look, man. She sounds like she's doing just fine with her feelings and relationships. 🙄 Ya know... it's OK to ask people for advice. Let's take that ego of yours down a couple notches, huh?!
Well said. Reciprocity is the basis of deep and meaningful friendships.
