This is a test.

#love #awakening #enlightenment #freedom #buddha #zen #buddhism

Stomach ache. Deep in the gut. Lower back pain. Tightness. Twinges. Twitches and tetchiness. Searing inner rage. Loss of control.

In no thought. Sitting in it. Nestling in.

Move in mind from feet upwards.

Unblock chackras.

It works. I don't know what it is. No need to learn it. No paradigms. No dogma.

Awakening is now. The veil is nothing.

Back again. Lost my private key, realised I had it on my old phone. Thank god.

Back up your keys kids!

Only the ego lives in time.

I'm old.

I look old.

It's too late.

Is this all I could achieve?

I thought I'd have more by now.

I thought I'd have achieved something.

I'd thought I'd have more to show.

I should have done x a decade ago.

I wish I could go back 20 years.

I wish I could know I'll be safe.

To know how it ends, that it ends in wealth and happiness and statues and songs of praise and the embrace of angel's wings. To know it works out with no pain but with adversity and triumpf but with ease and no effort and guiltless pride.

Backwards

Forwards

None of it real

I need to stay here to be safe. I need to buy this or have that. To feel I exist, I require attention, so I shall have these clothes, that car.

Or

I am not them. To feel smart and superior I ensure I let myself and others know how much I don't need those things. I rebel to be noticed.

Both are traps. Neither are you.

If you do not live in a state of deep peace and love, you are, to varying degrees, mentally unwell. A slave to thoughts and emotions that add nothing to life.

There is no try. Noticing is all that is needed to throw off the chains of ego. Embracing the need for the ego to survive, it must do what it is doing. Say what it is saying.

It has returned. An overwhelming sense of peace, love and tranquility. I didn't know for certain it would. Not as strong as last time, but powerful.

Not with this alt. Pay me back by purging all the "?" In your life.

Don't fight the feeling. Notice you're not in control of your own actions. Notice you are a slave to your own impulses. Don't fight it, sit in it, embrace it. You procrastinate because you are avoiding a deep truth. You enjoy wasting your life on news and other people's lives so you don't have to face...? Heal. Then you'll sepearte yourself from the corporeal impulses. Twitter isn't the issue. It's your mental illness.

A mother makes her daughter responsible for her feelings of self hatred. Grandmother to mother, mother to daughter. All victims. All aggressors. All hurt and words and discussions and needing to feel understood but talking past each other and never moving forward. So much poison.

Love dies in anger. Unresolved rage. That's what we fear to go towards. That's the gift of my day of enlightenment. I released immense rage. Hate for the other. Annihilation of the duality of love and hate. Perfection and an unfathomable hell.

This is what I tell myself. This is a lie. A lie that perpetuates pain. What I mean is: I feel lost and need to know where everything is. To have that overview I can only have few things.It's control. It's safety. It's wanting to feel like I belong.

I don't lose things.

Today she calls me to say we should live separately for a while. I did not believe her. I remained calm. I am able to observe and transform my emotions. They cannot rule me. We end the call with her admitting she's using toxicity and drama as a cry for help. She's in pain. She is the source of that pain. Only she can convince herself she is loved. I will not feed the monster. She is such a beautiful soul... But like this an evil cunt. I don't want it anymore. I don't think she does either. This is our healing process. We've been through so much.

Perfectionism is a mental illness that stems from trauma. It is the need to feel perfect - not be perfect.

Now she is in a dual role. Mother and daughter. She needs everything to be sacrificed for her. Everything for our daughter (her again). I enable this behaviour and now I struggle to find myself.

I have a rule: what I want doesn't matter, my mother's feelings above all else. This is due to a narcissistic mother who took and took and accuses me to this day of abandoning her. In daily life I'm either giving into my mother or fighting her still.

My wife and I have a toxic relationship. She feels abused, I feel abused.

My wife has a rule: everything for the child. Sacrifice everything. Even sanity. It comes from her mother, who cannot separate herself from her daughter or her granddaughter.

My wife is emotionally abusive. I can finally admit it to myself.

I experienced a complete lack of love this morning. My wife is unwell. She confuses me forgetting things with her father abandoning her. This leads to some extremely agresive behaviour from her. She is abusive. She repents later. The cycle continues.

This body feels pain. It is the heart chakra. I sit with it. The pain intensifies over days. I have a minor panic attack in the super market. It's the first one I've had in over a decade I think. It's a turning point. The pain is transformed into heat. It tickles. Is this pain? This body feels release. The feeling rises to my throat, to my eyes. Tears well up. The pain is transmuted. No words necessary. My heart is bruised. It needs to recover.