Start to search LSD MDMA related contentsđ€ïž quite curious about it
Some days ago, my hand was injured and bleeding. Over the past few days, it has gradually formed scabs. This is the itchiest moment during the wound healing process, and I always want to scratch it.
Last night, I know I feel the itching on my sleep, perhaps I was in a half dream half awake state. And I scratched around the wound! I avoid the scab itself!
Like it feels my rational mind is still working, it knows if I scratched the wound itself, it would take longer for it to heal!
Iâm quite surprising.
fuck start to modify my resume today and start to scroll the webpage about job, and I can clearly feel a tension in my body, like it still doesnât want to make any changes and itâs so intense that cause my stomachache.
Ok ok i then gently tells the inner kid: itâs ok itâs ok everything is fine, Iâm not gonna change immediately I will take it step by step donât worry you are safe very safe.
And since my body doesnât in a relaxing situation, I find myself have a intention of overeating. Like I just keep finding something to eat although I feel Iâm quite blown.
Iâm weird attracted to these two channels. They are both channels about girls cooking and daily life.
In fact I donât cook, and I thought I donât like anything related to housework, but when comes to vlog, I find myself prefer watching something like these with cozy vide rather than travel or adventurous contents.
I guess I really like being gentle and adorable, which paradoxically convey a feeling that I could take care of myself alone and I will, no matter what happens in life, I could easily take it with hurt. 
My havingness level is so low! So in fact, itâs me that prevents myself from highly valued, no matter emotionally or financially.
I always have a sense of unsafety when receiving complement. Like I would always worry that I may be not as good as they thought. Thatâs why I got what I had now.
I have a vague thought that Nostr may really be able to fix this.
Like said, you are in China, and you like to text based communication so you use Weibo to connect with others . And thereâs people who like image based communication so they use xiaohongshu. While thereâs the third kind of people who like to express using video, long form or short form so they use bilibili or TikTok.
Since they are different platforms and the data from different platforms couldnât communicate with each other, as time goes by, they become more and more divided. Like people getting used to one platform may have the most common topics and likes.
But it shouldnât be like that, text or image or video is just a way to express and communicate, but the core is the communication.
It would be better if all the data is transferable, and you can choose different apps which based on your posting preferences.
Thatâs more reasonable!
I always want to go abroad, no matter to study or work. I *thought* I have a very very strong desire. But the fact is, I havenât take any actions yet.
Reading Existential Kink recently and I try to dig deeper to myself and to see what my unconscious mind think.
So in fact, I donât have that big desire as I imagine I have. Although I feel itâs time for me to explore more potential. And the current job doesnât offer me that much excitement. But in fact the unconscious me quite enjoy this stability and doesnât want to change at all.
Wake up every morning and exercise and then go to work. Learn foreign language and watch Netflix series. Sometimes meet with friends and take nice photos. Everything seems quite into what the unconscious me wants.
Also recently I tried to maybe meet someone and started to date, after a few meets, nothing really happened. And one of those I really like, stop texting me after this whole long flirting. âHaving is the approve of wantingâ so maybe itâs me who doesnât want to change the situation? The unconscious me may still feel living alone is quite enjoyable and still want to keep this life as long as possible.
Suddenly, all my routines all the so called healthy habits which I feel itâs the preparation of what I wanna achieve in the future seem just excused to postpone my action into a âwhat I thought I wantâ kind future.
#whatNikkiRead
When I finished lunch and walked back to office today, I stared at the road and cars and everything I suddenly wanna appreciate how great human is. Canât imagine all these are built by human. What a creature we are!
It feels in the modern world, people tend to appraise the beauty of nature and sometimes criticize human has destroyed all that. But thatâs really unfair. âNature is only pretty from a safe distanceâ
How far is the horizon? The cars came to me, but I canât see that far.
#NikkioffWork
(will use this tag to record my way back home after work!) 
when to start my Shanghai city walk mapđ„Č 
I know why I donât like social media nowadays.
I used to post frequently when I first using WeChat, from high school. I used it to build my profile and really like to connect with friends on the moments. But as time went by, Iâve got so many friends on social media, like in the university, even when you just met someone on a event and you just become friends on WeChat but you know you may never meet or talk again.
And I also feel what people post on social media is not really who they are but who they want others know as who they are. Feel kind of fake for me.
It shouldnât be like that. We are human and human has a lot of sides, but people seem to make themselves look in a âgoodâ way on social media. It doesnât connect us more even I like your posts one hundred times.
đ„čđ„čjust finished season2 and although the story is not as appealing as season1 but who cares. Just Aziraphale and Crowley can be together is quite comforting 
Dream of me going abroad to study last night. Guess i still have a strong desire to go abroad or said change my environment and explore more potentials of myself. I always feel I need to change the outside environment to see the different possibilities.
Try to plant this thought more deeply and slowly reach there.
I feel even I bite myself and bleed now I couldnât feel anything đ đ
Going to the dentist for some treatments for me cavities, because of the drug, although I know the dentist hitting my tooth very hard, and I can see the blood on the cotton ball, I canât feel a thing. I just lay there and stared at the clock.
When the dentist asked me to spilt, I felt I canât even control my mouth, I had no feeling the right part and the water just split out out of control.
Oh people could be so vulnerable that drug can control us totally.
Finally went to watch Barbie last night.
Barbie first lived a everyday-is-a-great-day life in the Barbieland, and someone she went to the real world and found everything was not as perfect as she imagined but quite the opposite. And with two real humans they went back to Barbieland trying to rescuing the other Barbies from the Kendom. After succeeding she feels sheâs no longer a Barbie and decided to go back to the reality.
Itâs trying to discussing a serious topic about the woman situation under the pink story using a comedy way. But the movie itself is not fun and relaxing at all.
The audiences sit around me are almost girls, because of the darkness I couldnât tell in which stage of life they are, maybe all very young. The one next to me is a teenager girl with popcorn in her hands. And during the whole movie, she just ate her popcorns and laughed, I fact all the girls laughed a lot. Itâs not a mocking laugh itâs just a harmless laugh like you are watching a standup show or something. I could tell I feel very uncomfortable. And when I try to deep into this uncomfort, I can feel a sense of pathetic. Maybe just like most of the Barbies in the movie, they are just not realizing the situation and sometimes they just could be easily brainwashed.
Some of my cousins in the hometown, they are also educated but I just donât understand why they ended up just like our mother generation accepting the reality and getting married on time and having child best a boy. And they donât feel unfair or want to fight or anything. They just accept it like itâs the right or natural thing to do. It feels powerless when you try to fight for someone and want to free them but in fact they donât feel trapped.
Although I donât see myself as a feminist, and I donât like when people labeled themselves as feminist and then take the free women slogan to require women should or shouldnât do something. I always respect that everyone could have a choice and is free to live whatever life she wants. And I will stand for this right, I will stand for the choices for myself and for the girl of next generation. 
I have a thought to deep clean my apartment. But I still havenât take any actions yet. This morning I even tried to search some cleaning service.
But when I was taking a shower, I suddenly remembered the non coercive doing. Maybe I can try to use this method or called way to make this happen. Just wait, until you are ready.
When I fell asleep last night. I kept thinking of relationship and love. Maybe I tried to picture it in a more awake way. When suddenly I found something differently happens in my mind. Iâm not a open relationship person from the deep kind, although people said it was new and cool and kind of breaking the old rule. But maybe from the deep kind, Iâm still quite traditional and would love to like by someone and like him back. But I donât know why last night, it feels I no longer have the jealousy or possessiveness. I feel I could accept any kind of love. I feel open and safe.