Hey, Nostrā¦
This is an #introductions post, but itās not my first npub.
Iāve become quite close with many of you over the course of 2023. I consider a number of you to be real friends.
But I havenāt found the courage to open up some of the personal struggles Iām facing. Partly out of shame, partly out of the fear of validating my failings by putting them in writing.
But what I do know is the love and support and kindness that exists among this crew, and Iām feeling like I could really stand to lean on that energy a bit right now. Iām hopeful that, even through this anon account, thereās room for friendship, freely given.
Iāve struggled with a range of compulsive/risky/addictive behaviors for a long time, but itās gotten harder lately. Itās the devil Iāve danced with since my teenage years, and itās been especially difficult lately to align my active behavior with my heart, intuition, and personal goals.
I believe I ātrainedā my neural pathways to lean on various dopamine/reward pathways in times of stress during my adolescent development - or, to be honest, from a much younger age - and these mental habits have become deeply ingrained.
Itās not one specific āaddictionā the way that people often struggle with, but my tendency to fall into patterns of substance abuse and other ego-inflating activities goes through cycles, which Iām just beginning to understand come from very deep, old parts of myself, and it feels like things have been escalating farther outside of a level of baseline acceptability lately.
I can point to various moments of trauma or conditioning that led me to try to self-soothe in these ways, and Iāve developed compassion for the parts of myself that are ātrying to helpā even in self-destructive ways.
But Iāve had a harder time with everything lately than I have in a long time. I donāt feel able to share this with my partner, but I am recognizing that it may be too much to handle on my own. Because Iāve tried for years. Self-imposed rules arenāt enough, because they donāt heal the broken parts. And Iām afraid that Iām risking the things I hold most dear, including my loved ones and my own self-worth and self-respect, if I donāt find a way through this.
I know some of you have faced things like addiction, trauma, loss, and personal failures. And Iāve seen the beautiful people that you are. I know and recognize that beauty in myself too, but Iām continually undermining my own happiness and fulfillment. Iām learning to pray again, to turn inward and connect with myself. But Iām also deeply stuck enough that I keep ending up in those patterns that hurt my heart and betray my soul.
I donāt even know if anyone will see this. If the default relays on this client have wide reach. If my VPN is effective or if Iāll dox my identity here.
But manā¦ I sure could use a few kind words, advice, or encouragement from others who have been in a similar place before. If youāve read this far, I already deeply appreciate you. Youāre probably one of the friends Iāve made this last year š«
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