the kiss stolen by a french communist with north korean sympathies while under duress as payment for staying in a place for free that i did not arrange
the cost of my friend's friends
unbelievable truly
i wish him so very well
im not sure i ever forgave her for that
i understand i am not angry
but that is simply not me
to me, there was no one better than someone who would do that for me
when i shared this years later with a close friend
as in: explaining what i was hung up on
that someone cared about me not being compelled that much. wanted me to be free that much. was looking out for my safety that much
she said: i think we can find someone better for you
that singular tiny misunderstanding
he was trying to protect me and himself
i was trying to be equally invested
why am i sharing this?
because it is an intrinsic distinction to my lived experience of me
i carry it, i carry it in
once there was someone who insisted on buying me a plane ticket
i didnt know why
to me i was like: ive got it i dont want you to
he really insisted
i really insisted back
and i started to think this disagreement didnt bode well for us for the future
we never met up
he later told me he was sorry he was so insistent but he was that insistent because he did not want the cash i threw in for the plane ticket to compel me to sleep with him if something felt wrong when he shared what he only wanted to share in person
that's ~me~
dont be me or be me
like whatever i am not saying i am: "correct"
im saying that's where i am
if i was married
and my husband cheated on me without letting me know
and then gave me hiv
i would be so pissed i would divorce him
if i was married
and my husband cheated on me without letting me know and then was like: baby i have the worst news in the world, i have hiv
i would not divorce him
i do not care if that is such an L
as in, im sorry it is not popular to feel this way
i am sorry that comes across very heavy on some "not like other girls" inherently misogynist tip
i mean it
but i do get to be me and not some paragon of virtue
cos honestly? it is a deeper virtue to me that i am holding to
self sovereignty
back to the song:
I know the territory, I've been around
It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down
Sooner or later you'll be screwing around
I won't do that
No, I won't do
----
"the sooner or later you'll be screwing around"
is not my accusation
so i am not the one saying that
so gently to everyone who is severely monogamous, which is fine
i am not severely monogamous
i do not experience jealousy like that
i am a very: everyone is self sovereign over their own precious body
another person's body is not my business
even someone i ~am~ sleeping with unless do to their poor judgement, lack of medical care, and respect for me, get ~me~ sick
never, if i really think about it, has an off the cuff flirty cavalier thing which ultimately distills down to what?
"my friends are good people to me i think you would like meeting them"
been so outrageously misinterpreted
that isnt me, has never been me, will never be me and no part of my behavior or ethos or whatever is like:
idk this may be a lie
it simply isnt me
so anyone who could assume or imagine it to be me?
is a stranger to me
in entirety
for someone to ever say: i know her. she is this way.
that person does not know me
and every single person in my actual real life can testify to that absolute fact
what i did not mean, have never meant, and my entire life comportment verifies that: is that i walk around the world ranking people on if they are hot or not on the basis of if i would sleep with them or not
an illustration of this was:
i was being my cavalier sagittarius self making up gentle philosophical things on the fly to test them out. playful things. not: word is law true stuff. just being me. i think most people would call that being kinda flirty in trust
i said, again, off the cuff whatever playful
i said: i would never have friends i wouldnt sleep with. as in: i do not have friends who are not attractive to me as in: what did i mean by attractive? the most expansive definition of that term possible. meeting a grandmother on the street and choosing to wait to walk across the road with her attractive. alignment attractive. good vibe to me attractive. what i term as hot. as in alive. as in for me. it is a way of orientating.
he said, to me, very simply and very annoyed sounding
he said: i would never sleep with my friends
as in again im sharing this as the difference to me between color thinking as distinct from black and white thinking
asking cos:
Will you hold me sacred? Will you hold me tight?
Can you colourise my life, I'm so sick of black and white?
Can you make it all a little less old?
I can do that
Oh I can do that
i can only speak from personal anecdote
obvi everyone is different
and can play in typology frames. as in: enfp people are not black and white thinker people. men can be enfps too. it is not exclusively a woman thing.
so with that nuance
in my personal anecdote
i am not the black and white thinker
he told me he was in real life over the
phone
i was the mutable one, the colorful one, the: idk i think it depends one
so that was a major difference between us
i have a question, a gentle philosophical one
i dont know the answer
i just read the meatloaf lyrics like a poem
I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That) Song by Meat Loaf ‧ 1993
my question is
could it be backwards?
is this animus (inside a woman) channeled by a man?