It turns out I’m a Enneagram type4 🥶

In growing up, I kept receiving judges about my appearance from the relatives in the family gathering that, “oh you’ve got the very high forehead but too little hair” etc. Maybe they thought it was just harmless joking, but those mocking tone and laughter hurt me a lot since I was only a sensitive teenage girl. I was too young to handle all these situations I thought it was all my fault that I looked like this. So I always stepped into the toxic cycle of self blamed - self doubt - self frustration.

But no, as I read I learn I met now people and I now understand that that’s totally not my fault. It’s only that they are very rude. Yes, VERY RUDE. Will you encounter someone on the street and judge at him”oh no you’ve got a big nose that’s ugly!” No of course you don’t, so why do you think you have a right to do that to someone you know( or you think you know?) Even a parent has no right to do that to their child. If they do, that only mean they don’t have a polite manner and they treat you poorly and you can just cut them off in your life.

Is that very cold blooded? No, not at all, we don’t choose our family at the beginning of our life, but as we grow up, we have the right to choose what life we wanna live and what people we wanna hang out with. It’s not only a right, it’s a must if we wanna be happy and really live a healthy life. If any relationship makes you feel uncomfortable, no need to suffer or questioning, just stay away and build up what you want, what you feel happy and confident living with.

I now hold(although still need to keep reminding myself) a no expectation attitude towards any relationship, no matter to friends or family, if I give my love, I’m just giving, and expect no returns. I’m giving because I want to, not because I want something back in the future. If someday I decide to stop giving, that’s only because I don’t feel want to, I don’t feel comfortable doing that anymore. No holding no tangling.

Sleep mask + ear plugs

You should try. You really should!

Good night!💤🌙

I used to be a pure consumer when surfing the internet, that say I just read and took all the contents and rarely posted anything or even left a comment.

In one way, I feel my thoughts could be pretty naive and maybe others watching would feel I’m an idiot. So why I’m bothering putting out the trashes.

Also, not sure why I have this strong sense of morality that every time I say something, I would be afraid that what if the listeners misinterpreted my msg or what if I’ve conveyed what’s really wrong…

But now I’ve got a mindset change.

Why should I be so serious!? Why I take the world so serious? Everyone is stupid(in some ways hahah) and everyone could make mistakes, just have some fun!

And yes the quality of information on internet could vary, you can’t expect you learn as much and as systematic when you scrolling social media as you reading a book. But that’s also the fun part, it’s like picking up stones at the beach, only at some serendipitous moments you will find the one you like.

And since I’m changing/ evolving, me today vs me tomorrow could be different, so keeping some digital footprint could also remind me of sth when I watch back.

I’m now quite skeptical when ppl claiming that the abundance of modern commodities breeds consumerism/ materialism, thus resulting in tons of physical/ mental problems like obesity/ anxiety etc. It sounds they are blaming the progress of society in some ways proceeding at the cost of human condition. That’s unfair and it avoids discussing the vital part of the problems. Getting back to live in a cave won’t solve the problems though.

I thought I might have a cold, but last night when I laid down on bed, I felt something weird than cold, like having a strong headache and have sores in my arms my legs. The memory of getting Covid hit me back. I remembered last year in Christmas I j go to Covid and had a fever, I don’t remember any disease I’ve ever caught in my life worse than that. I couldn’t even stand up and walked, it was all dizziness and vomiting.

Oh no, did I get Covid again? I almost forget the days when we need to wear a mask to go out.

But now I feel nothing happens haha, all good, happy Thursday! Weekend’s near🫶

hi！

👋👋

I finally start to watch Breaking Bad after so many ppl telling me it’s their favorite (favorite not one of their favorites!) so far so good, will come back after watching all seasons.

#whatNikkiwatch

From when I was little kid, sometimes I would feel overwhelmed because even this winter passed, another one will eventually come. It feels life is just a endless circle. Things would get better if the winter gone, would get better if I went to the college I want, would get better if I made more money and the list goes on and on. But no, it seems the problem will always be there and the circle just have no ending. I feel I always look forward to *a thing* that once it shows, I would be happy and satisfied about everything. I know or deeply in my heart I believe that must exist. Now gradually, I realize that’s happiness itself independent of conditions I’m looking for. And there do have a way to achieve it. And I will I would like to devote my life to really get/ taste it. nostr:note1jp0ftq66307j5gjtaumgqwswj6trptam6jkwl8hxnxdt4j5vfr5s0n5g5e

Find another area I like: Sinan road 🫶✨and already decided where to celebrate Christmas this year🎄:D

I guess I don’t like posting on social media anymore (WeChat/ ins) is because since I’ve known who’s watching so every time I post, I have an incline to maintain some specific profile, eg how I look on others’ eyes, would it be appropriate to say this or that, am I looking good on this. I care more about *how I look* instead of *who I really am*. And eventually, I found myself totally *not really me* when I make those posts.

Maybe when I interact with others, I inherently have the intention to hide my dark side. And social media postings really worsen the situation, it gives me a really easy way to construct what I want others to view me as.

I’m glad to realize that. I guess that’s why I always feel the most relaxing when I’m alone. Be authentic, be true to yourself. No matter you are alone, you are with others, you are online, you are in reality. You are a real person, you have kindness, you can be adorable, but you can also have bad temper, have your kinky thoughts. Just be real.

It would be lucky if you have lifelong friends, that means you always grow up in the same pace. But it’s totally ok if you have not. Growing up could be a lonely process and if you don’t go in the same pace, it’s fine that you could be temporarily disconnected a bit. Everything that rises must converge. Even finally you don’t reconnect, at least there was once beautiful moments together.

It doesn’t mean you can’t maintain relationships or you are not kind enough if you find yourself once enjoy being with someone but not anymore, and you don’t have to feel guilty or shame about that. Everyone changes and no one could accompany you along the whole journey.

🍂 share with pics haha

Like all Alimentari 🫶✨

I’m really like hanging out with people who would dress up a bit, who could be open and curious and about even simple stuffs, who could constantly show their love/ gratitude/ enthusiasm/ appreciation. They make the world a little more fun!

oh yeah yeah things could only get better and better.

For yoga: I did yoga before but only as a way of stretch, purely physically exercise for me. Every time hearing instructions like focus on your breath/ just let it go etc I would be quite suspicious and think that oh really that could have such mental impact? But recently, something changes. Maybe because I concentrate a bit more? Anyway, I start to believe that it can do more than increasing flexibility but do relate to some spiritual experience? nostr:note1uys7akysdglsyuv8ks8tk5v8fuhc02zjfw9wgww5tnzm257rggfqkhupex

I used to run along when I lived near century park. For there’s a jogging track around the park so it was quite convenient for me to wake up every morning and just go out and run. It almost became a habit and at first I could run 5km and the 7/8 km and sometimes if I pushed myself a little bit I could get 10.

That lasted one year, until I moved away from that area. And I’ve tried other kinds of workouts since then, recently I have a desire to run again but it didn’t turn out that enjoyable. People often say long run could be a beat way to increase your endurance but now I feel( no scientific statistics based just personal feelings) if you overuse some parts of your body in a short period of time, it could deteriorate them🤔️ (people would jump out and argue with me: oh come on, you just run this short distance, it’s far away from harming your body) maybe, but my experience is that, it could actually cause bruise toes and keen pain.

If it’s convenient like before I can access the physical environment easily, then running could be a good choice, but now I guess i can choose from many different workouts and no need to worry about that endurance/ patience and any other benefits running could bring.

I always don’t like winter. I always feel coldness could result in more depression on me. And my experience is that, if the temperature is comfortable and the weather is nice, the day would be nice anyway. But now, when I think of winter, when I picture the inhaling the cold air into my body, I don’t feel a resistance. Like oh it’s good, nice weather is good, winter is good, raining is good. Doesn’t matter anymore.