Nostr Web Client

i'm in a bit of a dark place at the moment... feeling like i need a big change in my daily business.

well, one thing for sure, i have been drinking a red bull every day for a few weeks now and i'm getting quite unpleasant sensations in my extremities... feels like something being caused by the combination of red bull, nicotine and alcohol.

it seems to me like the red bull, and even just caffeine by itself, is the major cause factor in this effect, followed up by the vasoconstriction being caused by the nicotine.

ceasing smoking would cause a much greater disruption in my life at the moment, i always get very emotional and unstable when i stop smoking. stopping caffeine is not so bad, it's more just i slow down and start to talk a lot less and think a lot more.

in my job, we have reached a release milestone, and much of the work now has reduced greatly in its demand, and i'm not sure where i'm going with it next. i'm feeling like i don't have a role in the enterprise or more exactly it's starting to reduce a lot in scope and amount of time required from me to do my part in it.

and i'm dreading the thought of going onto linkedin to try and find a new job, but it feels a lot like i'm going to have to go there soon.

i have spent most of my life in poverty, either enforced idleness by the australian government's system of wage control strategies, or here in europe, homeless. i'm stuck on this island here and getting off it would probably not be that difficult but there is so much things i can't just drop, stuff that requires a lot of work to handle, my cat, my computer and my general collection of stuff.

i'm depressed at the moment, quite badly.

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Discussion

Duncan Cary Palmer 6mo ago

Prayed for you just now.🙏🏻🫂👍

𝕞𝕪𝕡𝕒𝕥𝕙𝕥𝕠𝕗𝕚𝕣𝕖 6mo ago

You are not alone. We have all done or are going through the same mental struggles at many times in our lives. Good luck to find your new path.

juniper 6mo ago

Leave that alchool and red bull shit. You will feel a lot better. As for the job, just sick on the tit while it lasts and receive compensation if fired. Thonk about linkedin later. No need fretting about it now. Keep ot cool

Tekkadan, ゲロゲロ! 🐸 6mo ago

The trick to wealth is to make your money work for you

Not here to preach btw have a sandwich and take care of yourself 🥪

Matt 6mo ago

I can't add much about the day to day life stuff that you probably don't already know or have already been told, beyond saying that sometimes things get like that, but you will find your way through.

As for the energy drinks, I can only say, leave well alone - I fell in to bad habits over the last year and the physical issues had me thinking I should see a Dr - since cutting right back on them things are improving. Those drinks may be nice now and then but fuck me they're toxic.

Iain Cheyne 6mo ago

exercise always save my mental health

Mike Dilger ☑️ 6mo ago

Sharing this is a good step. Usually when I feel depressed I can't getmyself to share how I feel.

ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜ ᴏꜰ ᴍʟᴇᴋᴜ 6mo ago

i've lost my appetite also. too many foods are causing me quite severe mental problems and i have to stop with most of the things, caffeine and alcohol have to go.

thinking now about the idea of cooking some eggs but i could easily not do that. i have to cook these eggs hard because there seems to be some allergy inducing oils in the yolks from the corn feed they give the chickens

i've got a lot of inflammation all over the place in my body now, especially my hands and lower legs.

been pondering suicide at times lately too. i haven't got anyone i'm gonna let down except for my cat. but i don't even have the energy to take that thought any further either.

the state of the world is extremely depressing. big, horrible things are happening and big horrible things are coming. i haven't got any enthusiasm towards anything right now. i don't feel like anyone would really miss me after a few weeks anyway. but i'm not gonna do that, really right now i just want to sleep and think with my cat next to me.

ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜ ᴏꜰ ᴍʟᴇᴋᴜ 6mo ago

i'm basically on an enforced holiday from my fiatmine job anyway. my work for MVP is done and for a while i'm just gonna be doing some sessions fixing bugs. i would like to be making more money but they don't need me to do very much at the moment. it's the moment of truth, 6 months of building and now we will get to see if the project i was assigned to brings any value to it. i think it will do surprisingly well. the company strategy is about shifting more of the control over content delivered to the users themselves and making it more democratic. the server i built is about helping people find other people who probably will produce content that they want to subscribe to.

gojiberra 6mo ago

congrats on the job completion. the feeling of being done with one thing and moving on to the next can be enjoyable if a little unsettling.

gojiberra 6mo ago

wrt inflammation... a friend of mine who used to experience horrible rashes and other skin problems found that cold water dips in lakes, rivers, the ocean, wherever he happens to be, actually seems to completely solve the inflammation.

i think of him and force myself to take a dip in some cold water as frequently as i can if i'm close to a clean lake or the ocean.

gojiberra 6mo ago

and by "dip" it's literally get wet and get out and dry off with a dry towel (at least in the winter). if the sun is shining and it's summer, then it's nice to get some sunshine to dry off

ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜ ᴏꜰ ᴍʟᴇᴋᴜ 6mo ago

yeah, just having a shower helped a lot

Den Yellek 6mo ago

For what its worth I enjoy having you here on my nostr feed. All the best mate. Dark times come but they will pass.

Everyone will preach their own thing but I can’t state enough how good working out has been for me. It has done wonders for my mental health. That and reading about stoicism. Reading meditations by Marcus Aurelius had a big impact on me and how I approached the world. Gave me a new perspective and I constantly repeat the core ideas to myself that the only thing in the world that you can ever try to control is your own mind.

Silberengel 6mo ago

🫂

ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜ ᴏꜰ ᴍʟᴇᴋᴜ 6mo ago

haha, yeah, today to break my mood i started playing with a proximity hash function :) i've almost forgotten about what i was thinking about before.

Silberengel 6mo ago

It's often like that.

Probably some male menopause, too. 🤭

ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜ ᴏꜰ ᴍʟᴇᴋᴜ 6mo ago

nah, i mean yeah, my hormones and metabolism have definitely started changing in the last few years, but part of the problem is the damage my habits have done to my organs i think. compounded with the allergies caused by the changes in the food supply (i can hardly eat anything these days without getting some unpleasant reaction)

but nah because the change in a male is a lot less abrupt, things just slow down until you get to around 70 and at that point you're mostly shooting blanks and badly coded ones. would be nice to have some mini me's but i gotta get a bit richer first lol. although a lot of the bad times i had with girlfriends over the years were toxic personalities a lot were related to my socioeconomic position.

i'm not gonna let myself dwell on that too much, and instead focus on the beauty of mathematics.

Exodia38 6mo ago

Sup. I know by now that you know things about economics. The thing you need to do is to just stop thinking (for the amount of time you consider necessary) and start helping others in a raw manner.

You will never be really able to know what people really want inside their heads. The only way of truly satisfying others is by creating things that are VERSATILE enough to fulfill the ever-changing whims of consumers.

If you go on this momentum, maybe you will earn money in entrepreneurship, maybe not, but at the end of the day, there's always a winner in the competition. That winner could probably be your boss in the future

On the other hand, if you helped no one and didn't build versatile things; you will end up with no money and no boss because there was never competition nor winners

ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜ ᴏꜰ ᴍʟᴇᴋᴜ 6mo ago

well, that's what i'm doing. idk if they have a winning strategy but they have deployed the resources and marketing is being done right now to bring users. the work i did depends on them getting users to reveal whether it works or not or what needs to be changed so it does.

i've mainly been a bit blue because of things going wrong that i probably should have organised to get fixed. like the kitchen tap that turns itself on to full if i don't close it tight and then open another tap. spent half an hour watering the garden and figured out that i also had that much water go down the drain without doing anything useful. and we are in release mode now, i don't have any secondary tasks and am just on call to squash any bugs that come up in my server. colleague who is doing devops and a part of the same initiative (matchmaking server, he is using a similarity evaluation library with python for his part) has been a bit troublesome and acting like he could be doing my job instead of me but not realising the amount of complexity that went into the less obvious parts (time schedule calculations, for one), and he's kinda got into this uppity aggressive vibe towards me for no reason.

so anyhow, i'm just a bit stressed because i'm not clocking hours because they don't need me to. my finances are ok but i am aiming to save for a migration in a year's time that will go better the more i can keep.

i'm sure there is more slots opening up for me to fit into in the near future, this current project will likely be in a small uptick for a while as features are refined and it is optimized, and then i will be moving to taking what i have built so far and adapting it to a second project that is similar but a different genre of content.

for me to build out something in a competitive market i need funds up front or investors to pay into the project, and i don't have the skills for this. i have the inventive capacity, but i haven't particularly spotted an obvious opportunity i am a fit for working on.

probably i need to rest, anyway, i haven't really had a holiday in 18 months

Exodia38 6mo ago

I'm saying all of this because we live in a completely distorted market where people seem to feel happy being ignorant about money and economics. The theory could say that it's easier to follow the prices but we have to admit that we are surrounded by delusional arrogant people and that demands a rethink of our plans

ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜ ᴏꜰ ᴍʟᴇᴋᴜ 6mo ago

also the prices are all distorted... especially property and energy, on one hand the mortgage investment property "you will own nothing and be happy" scam and on the other the price fixing cartel of OPEC, who can and have deliberately increased or decreased production to thwart governments they don't like.

i'm just building software in as free an area as i can, for my pay, and working it part time so i can build software that i think i can eventually apply to a commercial purpose.

software engineering is one of the most cost intensive in starting up because basically once it's ready for release 90% of the work is already done and then after that it's mostly about marketing or feature creep, or an effective customer retention strategy (subscriptions and support). so you have a lot of time where you are working and money is just burning up before you get to the point money comes in... *if* it manages to capture a market niche.

anyway. mainly i'm just a bit tired from being sick with a fairly serious kidney problem, have recently had to start wearing glasses that problem also partly related to the former, stuck on an island that is nonstop hills while i have a quite severe muscle weakness problem and not enough resources to get powered transport.

and of course right now we are nearing release meaning the need of my labor is down for the moment until i'm shifted to another project. they are waiting with bated breath on how the market will respond to their offering and hopefully it is good and that will mean more work and work that might get more interesting, as well as be easier due to having done a lot of groundwork for what will be a similar project (part of a new strategy at my work).