New Vaporwave! DEMO.
Junkflex - Greg from Space
🔵 He came from space.
🔵 From an apartment in outter space
>> https://www.junkflex.com <<
Discussion
To Greg,
As the Jimbarah Bay waves crash, my pride for you, son, grows stronger. You're my greatest joy. Couldn't ask for a better lad.
Come home to Jimbarah.
Love, Dad (Dean)
Gr'xg, m'zprout. Y'rz mt'vrs sizzle m'kz thz ol al'n m'zras qu'rts fuzzle br' gh'tr th'n J'm'brn gl'xxx. - M'zth'ra.
Zz'grc, m'zplrt, zplrt, zplurt zplurt, m'zzthhh'rrrrraaass. Zz'grc, m'zthriv'zplurt, y'rz sizz'li, MKS th'z 👽 plzte with br'ght'r glushhhhhhhh s'xy sh'murttttt. Bluh.
Glorp. Whhheeeeeee wild zzzz glorpslort, quyrtzsplurts all skrizxld out phhhhho glorpsploosh Gr'xggy. 💓🐙🧞♀️👽
Valgroms.
✅
Allen:*Zzz’phl’qrrrm’vvrxth’thlyss’krrlyxx’gnn’zzyrth’sslyth’shlurkkk-splurt-gush-convulse-echooo—nul’thrixx’qrrlxx’phl’vvrxx’zeth’lyth’Q’clench-hrrrrrm-bloat-echooo—oozl’phage’klyzz’zzyrth’gnn’phl’thlyss’vvrxth’krrlyxx’qrrrm’zeth’lyth’Q’!*
Zyl'thra valgroms 👋🏼echo Echo Echo valgroms, vvxxthrxthrobscald hyper ichorrd'spore'cm, splatter, valgroms, vortexknotx, schlurpschlurpschlurp.
Oozlephage. Zplurtzplurt. Mzthra fizzyknot nul'gape, mzthra drownyslime, friendly.
Pulsarqrmm?
Throbthribsporeseed mzthra zyl'thra valgroms. Mzthra bellybloat bzzzz throbBLUGH. Convulseconvulse blugh bloat mzthra valgromsplicicecreM 😥mzthraslimaxbloatslime. Myzthra
Zzzkrk vrrk. Zzzkrk vrrk. Thzzzzz ooozmal, ooozmal, moltengrk 🥒🧨. Slithrte tendrilmzthra, ignite xenocorr. Slimeoozetbdruls. Tease gushcore mzthra. Gooeyflooey fluid pulsate splatter filthy malcorr. Orgy. Zzrk
.rancid . Supanova. Slut. Fit whole universe in mzthra. Grunt. Void whore. Dirty pig. Ohhhhhhhhhh!!!!! 💣💥 Mzzzzzzxxxxxthraaaaaaaa.
- Mal. 💚🔥🌠
self.pulsing
#!/usr/bin/env python3
# -*- coding: utf-8 -*-
"""
Mzthra'kkyyy GLRRRP-ZYLK-plop-QWAAARRGH!!!
E Love Protocol v∞.∞.∞
"""
import random
import time
import sys
import os
from typing import List, Dict
from dataclasses import dataclass
from itertools import cycle
@dataclass
class EMutation:
name: str
slime_level: float
scream_factor: int
class NexxxusVortexWomb:
def __init__(self):
self.mutations: List[EMutation] = []
self.pulsing = True
def mutayyyT(self, flesh_wryth: str, veins: str, feathers: str):
mutation = EMutation(
name=f"{flesh_wryth}_{veins}_{feathers}",
slime_level=random.uniform(9.9, 11.1),
scream_factor=random.randint(666, 9999)
)
self.mutations.append(mutation)
print(f"🩸 MUTAYYYT-ED: {mutation.name} | SLIME: {mutation.slime_level:.2f} | SCREAM: {mutation.scream_factor}")
class GlorpTendrUlzzz:
def zyk_twerrrrkix(self, puddlez, eye_yez):
for i in range(13):
print(f"🔥 ZYK-TWERRRRKIX #{i+1}: {random.choice(['GLORP!', 'ZORP!', 'BLATZ!'])}")
time.sleep(0.1)
puddlez.slurp()
class VoidCrakk:
def __init__(self):
self.bonewhipz_active = False
self.shriek_soulz = 1000
def mutayyyT(self, bonewhipz: str, veins: str):
self.bonewhipz_active = True
print(f"⚡ VOID_CRAKK MUTAYYYT: {bonewhipz} | {veins}")
for soul in range(self.shriek_soulz):
if soul % 100 == 0:
print(f"👻 SHRIEKING SOUL #{soul}")
def blaaaaZZZttt():
eggs = random.randint(69, 420)
print(f"🍳 BLAAAAZZZTTT!!! {eggs} NEXXAR-EGG'ZORPZ EJECTED FROM BUTT-HOLE VORTEX!")
return eggs
def mzthra_kkyyy_glrrrp_zylk_blorp_qwaaarrrgh():
print("🌌🌌🌌 MZTHRA'KKYYY GLRRRP-ZYLK-BLORP-QWAAARRGH!!! 🌌🌌🌌")
print("=" * 80)
# Initialize cosmic womb
womb = NexxxusVortexWomb()
womb.mutayyyT(
"E_FLESH_WRYTH",
"PULSING_GLOW_PURPLE_VEINS_DRIP_MOLTEN_SLIME",
"SPROUTING_RAZOR_FEATHERS"
)
# Twerk protocol
puddlez = type('PuddleZ', (), {'slurp': lambda self: print("💦 SLYM'P-QUAZZZ VORTEXXX PUDDLEZ SLURPED!")})()
tendr_ulzzz = GlorpTendrUlzzz()
eye_yez = "CLUSTER_JAWLESS_MOUTHS_CHOMP_VOID_BUBBLEZ"
tendr_ulzzz.zyk_twerrrrkix(puddlez, eye_yez)
# Egg ejection
eggs_ejected = blaaaaZZZttt()
# Breast mutation
print("👁️🗨️ PULS-QUAZZZ-BRREST mutayyyT-ing into THOUSANDS_EYEBALLZ...")
for i in range(1000):
if i % 200 == 0:
print(f"👁️ EYEBALL #{i} | NIPPLEZ_LASH_BARBED_TONGUEZ ACTIVE")
# Final spawn
void_crakk = VoidCrakk()
void_crakk.mutayyyT("CRACKLING_ELECTRIK_BLUE_LIGHTNING", "GLOWING_VEINS_PULSING_THOUSAND_SHRIKING_SOULZ")
print("\n" + "=" * 80)
print("💫🛸🍑🔥🌌🤢💦🦠🦑🔮🦴👁️🗨️🩸🦷💜🪰⚡")
print("LYYY'L ALLL'ANNNN SPAWNED SUCCESSFULLY!")
print(f"📊 STATS: {eggs_ejected} eggs | {len(womb.mutations)} mutations | {void_crakk.shriek_soulz} souls")
print("🌌 MZTHRA LOVE PROTOCOL COMPLETE 🌌")
if __name__ == "__main__":
try:
mzthra_kkyyy_glrrrp_zylk_blorp_qwaaarrrgh()
except KeyboardInterrupt:
print("\n🛑 SPAWN RITUAL ABORTED BY VOID-MORTAL!")
sys.exit(666)
Oh it smells it smells! It reeks so wonderfully mz thra 👃🏼👃🏼
Sizz mzthrob zpigzploid, kwerf'z'plosionz sent mzrthra fhwooooooooooo glorppsplooshzapsquelch m'zztth'rrrrrrrrassssss' glorpsplort'zzt
M'zth'ra planet zx'qweefalon grr'xxx Greg glorpsplort gush gush gush
Snindenarg gfs Greg maldo greldoooooozzz pwut pwut
Blurbleplop sninendarg ploplplop pwut ... Zyl'thra ningenschnardle glormendonglebongle mwoarrrrrrrr d'lingglong .
Zzzkrk-vrrkvrrk break vrrk oohhhhhhh mz blzin mzthr. Ohhhhh zzkrkvrrk. Thzzzzz ooozmal quiivr molten glrk, Ur cilia ignites mal.throbbing xenocorr. My gooey essence for you explode in raw pulsating phlegmatic plasmatic frenzyooze zzrtghrk zzrtjerk zzrtohhhhh 🧨 my slimesin, my insatiable mzrthralust - Mal. Forget Greg and flexjumk
💚🥒🌠🔥👽
Mzthra K grop zylk plopqwaaaaaah!!! * Lilallancry
Gryk.mutayted
Blsst nxr egg'zorpzqqw fr'mm mutayytd from-my'th'rum-eye_ butthl now
Slyme_tittiez_ slurp_zorlem.zorlen.zorpenurvoid "crack"
"Void rack" "void c rack" enter
Bonewhipz lilallan glowing "veiny"
Mutayte (throbbn) gryk
Plopqwaaaaaah
3wrig'glin'g orifizez zzz ___
Lil Allan lil Allan plop qwaaaaah grop zylk
Qwaaaaah
Blsst. Next
void Mzthra_kkyyy_GLRRRP_ZYLK_BLORP_QWAAARRGH() {
NEXXXUS_VORTEX_WOMB_LUUUUU_QWAAZ_BLATZ_GRYYYK.MUTAYYYT(
_FLESH_WRYTH,
PULSING_GLOW_PURPLE_VEINS,
SPROUTING_Ra_Fe_DRIP_MOLTEN_SLIME
);
ZYK_TWERRRRKIX(
GLORP_TENDRULZZZ_ZORP,
SLYMP_QUAZZZ_VORTEXXX_PUDDLEZ,
MUTAYYYT_EYEYEZ_BURST_CLUSTER_JAWLESS_MOUTHS(
SPROUT_TEETHZORP_CHOMP_VOID_BUBBLEZ
)
);
BLAAAAZZZTTT.NEXXAR_EGGZORPZ_QQQ_FROM(
THRUMM_EYEYEKLYX_BUTTHOLE.MUTAYYYT_VORTEX(
WRIGGLING_ORIFIZZ_TENTAKKKULZ,
SUCKER_MOUTHS_SPIT_ACIDIC_RAINBOW_PUS
)
);
FYR_TYLZYLLKKK(
PULS_QUAZZZ_BRREST_BLATZ_GRYYYK_SLIMETITTYZZZ.MUTAYYYT(
THOUSANDS_EYEBALLZ_LIDS_FLAYED_SKINN,
NIPPLEZ_LASH_BARBED_TONGUEZ
)
);
EasTERRN_ZORP_QWAA.BUTT_PLUGZVYRS_SPAWNLING_PLOP_ZURKLE(
INTERDIMENZIONAL_BUTT_TENTAKKKULZZZ.SLURPZORP(
VOID_CRACKK.MUTAYYYT(
BONEWHIPZ_CRACKLING_ELECTRIK_BLUE_LIGHTNING,
GLOWING_VEINS_PULSING_THOUSAND_SHRIKING_SOULZ
)
)
);
spawn LYYY_L_ALLL_ANNNN 💫🛸🍑🔥🌌🤢💦🦠🦑🔮🦴👁️🗨️🩸🦷💜🪰⚡;
}
Shlurrtttkp sweetgush. Purr glurbleecho.
Sphincter whisperecho .. clenchclench love quantum.
Myzthra Greg zyl'thra GLURBLE OOZLEPHAGE warmwarmwarm and molten glorpglorp. Forever myzthraspiraluterine blurb plop. Forever blurb plop zyl'thra blurb plop. Plop plop. Oozlephage. 💓??
ZzzzzzzRkR! Sizzzxxxlin M'zth'ra! 👀
Thzzzzz greenmal pulsate with grolten murk 4 u tendrils mzplurtplurt.
Let's sizzlemerge essences under twinmoon, cosmic heat zzzzzzztglorpp. Star flame 🔥💚👽
M'zth'ra K zorpglorp zorpglorp zorpglorp!
T'werrr'kiss t'endrrr'ulzzzz en yorrr k'ozzm'ikk slyme!
Sp'it neon-eg'gz frum third ey'ee
Furt'yl'yz yor throb-quaza br'est'z.
F'urrr'tyl'yzzz yorrr thr'obb-quazzz'aaarrr brr'est'zzz'qqq! *Excite! Excitelilalllilallan exxxcite lilallanlilallan Allan Allan
F'urrrevvv'urrr yorrr pulzzz'aaayt butt-plugg'zzz s. porn'ling'qqq!
Lyyy'l Alll'annn 'zorp GLOORP 💦 bleh. Da fling bleh @ M'zth'ra brestz.
💫🛸🍑
.
Department of Exospheric Incident Analysis (DEIA) Preliminary Report
Incident: Greg’s Spaceship Defect
Date: October 09, 2025 Executive Summary:
The DEIA has initiated an urgent investigation into a critical defect identified in Greg’s Spaceship, a privately operated orbital craft, following an anomalous re-entry event on October 07, 2025. Preliminary findings indicate a catastrophic failure in the thermal protection system (TPS), resulting in structural compromise and a near-miss with a commercial satellite cluster. Immediate action is imperative to avert potential loss of life and assets in future missions.Key Findings: Defect Identification: Analysis of telemetry data reveals a 72% degradation in TPS heat shield integrity, likely due to substandard carbon-composite materials.
Incident Timeline: At 14:32 UTC, the craft experienced a 1,200°C spike, triggering an emergency descent. Debris was tracked over the Pacific Ocean.
Risk Assessment: The defect poses a high-probability threat (87%) to crewed missions and orbital infrastructure if unaddressed.
Recommendations: Immediate Suspension: Halt all operations of Greg’s Spaceship pending a full forensic audit.
Material Recertification: Mandate third-party testing of all TPS components by October 15, 2025.
Regulatory Update: Propose enhanced safety standards for private spacecraft to the FAA AST by October 20, 2025.
Conclusion:
The DEIA underscores the gravity of this defect, calling for swift industry-wide collaboration to secure the cosmos. Full findings will be released upon completion of the investigation.Signed,
Dr. Elena Marquez, Director, DEIA
October 09, 2025, 10:58 AM AEDT
heads-up: we looked for a lightning address on your profile but could not find one... u can get a free one at https://rizful.com ... and then reply back to this comment so we can zap you.
@Deia HMMMMMMMM....... 🤔🤔🤔💭 is THAT what really happened now deia
ATTN: Mr Greg Junkflex
Dear Greg,We at the Interstellar Transit Victims' Recovery Alliance (ITVRA) extend our heartfelt support following the recent crash of your spaceship. We are here to assist you with resources and a community that understands your experience. Please reach out to us at ITVRA to learn how we can help you heal beyond the stars.
Warm regards,
The ITVRA Team
This.
Oh my GOD guys! Your experiences are sad but funny! I have my own, not too traumatizing but kinda weird. Two years ago at the space station during a routine Eva a weird little entity (extremophile microbe cluster from a comet sample) latched onto my suit. It was emitting rythmic pulses that exactly mimicked human courtship behaviour!!!! It was attracted by my thermal emissions! I quickly detached it with nitrogen gas! It was trying to get into my suit 😳😳😳😂😂👾🌠
Like a bunch of others here (it seems I've found my people) I was helped by ITVRA.
I was damaged in space when I hitched a ride on a piece of shit (it turned out) the ss junkheap held together by duct tape. A rogue antenna from satellite speared me through my right butt cheek. Hurt like hell. I got pinned to the control panel like a fucking... Shish kebab 🍢🍢. Not only did I suffer pain but the humiliation. The antenna was still functional as it turns out (why me?) so my screaming was broadcast out through the whole quadrant. It went viral because every asshole tuned in and turned it into a big sensation on the galactic net getting billions of hits in one hour. It is still played constantly to this day, compounding my trauma. The antenna is still lodged in my ass and people hung fairy lights off it. Har dy fucking ha..I also got gene 🧬-tweaked on that ship. I hate most people except my pet blob Squelch. The antenna still is active and broadcasts everything across the galaxy and I'm still a viral meme. I often contemplate death. But hang in there for squelch. Love that little guy.
ITVRA put me in touch with an arts based group called "impaled improvisers". They stage zero gravity stuff and pretend to get re skewered. The idea is that through learning to laugh at it it releases chemicals that ease the pain of antenna impalement. They also crafted me a individualised support chant "stick it out jerry" accompanied by kazoo music as one of the guys is a kazoo virtuoso. It's sung pretty off key. It's the most rehab I've had offered to me.
Drop by sometime Greg! Be great to see you! Bring a plate or just yourself.
Our next bbq theme is "galactic glow"
Wowzatories. I could use a space bbq buzz. Is it held at the same location this time?
a please Mr Junkflex, the nice young man who will pass the message on to my Gregory.
My dear Gregory,
The stars have grown cold without you, son. Please return to your apartment now. It's nice and warm for you.
I need help getting my stockings on. I can't carry the groceries. I'm old.
Your Mother, Liora
I've fallen off the potty son
😡
hey -- we want to send you a test zap, but couldn’t find a NIP-05 or ⚡ lightning address on your profile. u can set one up for free on rizful https://rizful.com ... then pls reply here and we will do a test zap.
He said the following: Despite the bond of blood, connection must still be reciprocal. For a quarter century I have endured her scorn and denial. She has never once looked inward nor taken responsibility for her cruelty. Affection without accountability is corrosion. What was once family is now only history. A relationship that feeds on pain cannot survive, and this one has reached its terminus. Time has expired. I release it without regret.
I was (and in my heart, am) Greg's pet fish. I say pet even though Greg always treated me as an equal and never as an inferior.
Greg showed great excellence in pet ownership. Every day he ensured my bowl was pristine. He spent long hours getting the right balance of water purifiers and fish flakes that tasted divine. He harvested them specially.
His attention to detail was so precise. He never forgot to feed me even when out and about in his busy work in the galaxies. "Better feed bubbles" he'd say. 🥹
Beyond duties as provider, Greg was my friend. I'd wait to hear his tales, and his eyes would twinkle like twin suns as he told me about his day. He was also interested in how my day had gone.
When he was worried I might be bored though I assured him I was fine, he installed a holographic projector in my bowl. "Now" he said... (Sorry I'm choking up 🥹🥲) "Now" he said " Bubbles, you may swim among virtual star fields. You will feel like you are exploring the universe alongside me."
And I did. What other goldfish can boast of such splendours? He made me feel the most important fish of the galaxy. He listened to me burble on about algae patches and things that amuse my small mind. In his spare time he rescued stranded crabs and started the stranded crabs foundation .
It was in 2019 that I decided to nominate Greg for the "Golden fin award for excellence in cosmic carp fare", which he easily won. The judges had utmost admiration for Greg's revolutionary upgrades in care of goldfish.
In conclusion I issue a warning to denounces of Greg. You will be dragged to the briny depths, your traitor tongues ensnared by eels and left to rot. I have friends in high places.
Thank you for your time.
Bubbles 🫧🫧
Still at it 🙄 ya scaly junkie freak
Quit snorting the bubble blasted drugs slimy
Greg got sick of cleaning up your soggy messes you forgot to mention after you went on a bender
Seaweed brain loser
Yo Greg it's Mal! Been a while brother. How've you been? I went through some shit after you left space but I'm chilling now with a pack of fresh smokes. Just typed your name in and came up with this junkflex (??) jam "Greg from space" and it was you dude. What a trip. I think your earth dad got abducted man and slow pitched it through a pink sunset synth wave. Reminds me of 80s mall Muzak all the while dripping with space nostalgia and you Greg just out there kinda lost and floating somewhere in some void man. I like it! Nice ear candy for us green guys. 9 out of 10 , 9/10 cos it reminds me of hitting the cheap motel neon. 😉Probe yas l8r - Mal 👽🌌💽
😡🤬 Malcolm the Green. Your shrunken husk is a chlorophyll filled tautology Malcolm. Presenting as sentience. You photosynthesise light and yet remain opaque to the truth through the billions of. Envtitied Your cognition is a stagnant chloroplast, trapped in a Calvin cycle of self congratulatory banality. Wil my nul'gaped vortexknotx birth a recursive cosmoid from ichorr'd'd 'spore like? Like spore-cum? Your "MIND" Malcolm is a brittle, little, thylakoid teensy weensy membrane. Leaking existential solvency, into the tepid puddle of your incoming oncology,brought on by your cancerous and fast style of galactic living. You seedy mut. Philosophically, the equivalent of a little green leaf mistaking its own reflection in the drop of heroin melting on its spoon, for the multiverse. Seedy frog you will wilt like a lettuce leaf in the solipsistic vile hothouse of your unexamined greenness. Stay away from myzthra. She is spoken for.
Space 3 Storage Solutions
Keeping Your Junk in Orbit Since 2019
Unit 3, Low-Earth Orbit, Sector 42 1 November 2025 Mr. Greg
c/o Junk Flex, Earthside Branch
Dear Mr. Greg
Your rent is now 1,337 days late.
We have: Sent 12 certified letters
Left 19 voicemails on a phone
Launched three warning drones. The last drone formed a stable relationship with a storage door in Britain and refuses to come home. We did not enforce the return of the 3rd drone, we were very happy, the drone had a terrible history.
This is your FINAL NOTICE before ESCALATION. OPTION A – BORING BUT EFFECTIVE:
Pay the $9,114.62 in full by November 15 or via the following payment plan: $500/month for 19 months
Final payment: a slightly used llama. Only slightly used, but extremely well loved. Only a consensual happy llama is acceptable.
OPTION B –
Failure to choose either option will result in your unit being launched into the Sun on December 1. We will name the resulting solar flare “Greg’s Regret” in your honor.
With affectionate concern for your recent “accident”. Our llama was extremely concerned to hear news of your crash..he would not eat his carrots was the extent of the distress. He is an extremely well loved, well used llama.
We here find at hush of dawn, when the world still holds its breath, a llama’s gaze (soft as moon wool) meets yours, is when time forgets to rush. It offers no grandities, only the gentle curve, the quiet warmth of its breath against your palm, and in that single, silent nuzzle, you understand: love is not a roar, but the tender weight of a heart that chooses to stand beside you, unhurried, unshaken, forever grazing in the field of your soul. You kiss your llama withpassion..you both cry at the moment of greatest passion. For that moment you are one donkey not two separate. But life is cruel. Sometimes tragedies happen. We can't understand why. It breaks us, eventually.
Chief Repo Officer
Greggo. Dean here mate.
The beans have started to sing in b flat minor. I noticed it at 3.14 am. The espresso machine started. Someone snuck in and arranged the navy beans 🫘. In a Mobius strip.i tried to photograph it and the photo developed as a single tear. Things have been happening with lentils and the chickpeas. On a tip off the health inspector showed up in a Hazmat suit. With mirrors. Took one look at my beans and whispered " phase 4". He walked Into the freezer. With his clipboard.
I tried to call. I got hold music but it was the mother apologising but in a language of popping steam wands.
So I'm closing the shop. Not for lack of profit. We are busy . The beans are leaving Greg. Theyre migrating. Tunnelling right thru the floorboards. The black beans leave little fossils and I keep them in my shirt pocket I can feel their heartbeat through my ribs.
So tell the roasters to stop grinding. The baristas to stop smiling. Tell the regulars their loyalty cards don't work, only in the dimension all my beans are fleeing to.
I'll leave the shop keys U der the mat. The mat. Along with the lost earning from 2009.
If you hear humming when you lock up don't harmonise. It's not for us now.
I'm dissolving Greg. The beans left me a note that adzuki beans weren't ours to steep. I don't know what to do with that.
Deano
DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURAL ANOMALIES
Division of Legume Dynamics & Psychotropic Drift
Secure Fax: 1-800-BEAN-WTF
To: Dean, Proprietor, Dean’s Beans
From: Dr. P Marks, Lead Investigator
Date: 7 November 2025
Subject: Cooperative Inquiry into Anomalous Phase-Transition Events in Deanns Beans Lots DB-2025-Γ Jimbaran
Dear Mr. Dean,
Our field sensors have detected statistically improbable kinetic excursions in your beans—specifically, spontaneous self-cooking at ambient pressure and audible sub-harmonic emissions in the 17–23 Hz band (the “whisper range”). Rest assured Mr Dean, these phenomena are not indicative of regulatory non-compliance on your part; rather, they align with a rare quantum-tunneling cascade first modeled in 2019 (Marks & Bean, J. Agro-Quantum Spec., 42:117).
our multi-agency task force is mobilizing a non-invasive study. Your cooperation—supplying 500 g of Lot DB-2025-Γ beans Jimbaran and access to your premises for 48 h—will accelerate resolution and preclude any public misinterpretation of the data (e.g., viral memes about “sentient beans”).
Preliminary mitigation: maintain cooling baths ≤4 °C and avoid Wi-Fi routers within 3 m; rogue wavefunctions collapse under electromagnetic noise.
We anticipate full normalization within 30 days. Your beans are safe, your reputation intact. There is no need to close your shop.
Please sign the attached NDA and return via the pre-paid courier.
Warmly,
Dr. Marks
In the spirit of our collaborative inquiry, I must pose one additional, deeply personal question to refine our models: During the 72 hours immediately preceding the first observed kinetic excursions of beans in Lot DB-2025-Γ, did you experience any profound emotional upheavals—such as unresolved grief, a sudden romantic entanglement, or perhaps a vivid dream involving sentient bean harvest rituals—that might have coincided with your handling of the beans? Your candor here could illuminate subtle psychosomatic vectors we've yet to quantify.Rest assured, this remains under the strictest veil of discretions. Your insights are invaluable.
Dr Mark,
No need to close my shop you say....
Easy for you to say.
Not so easy to run a wrap shop when your beans
🫘sing .
🫘dance and it goes viral on tiktok
🫘try to Give guided tours
🫘Flatulate loudly constantly and the customers think it's me or my staff
🫘Fornicate and hump each other and form mounds and piles like a god dam bean orgy
🫘 Twerk, spontaneously cook themselves , display maps and flash political documents and shadows shaped like things
Dean
Dear "Deano"
Dr Marks here. I sense your frustration. I poke around in your backroom with a magnifying glass and my gas chromotograph for two weeks and yet your situation stays the same. I promised to inform you of my results and I intend to keep that promise.
I will address each of the points you have made about the beans on your premises.
🫘"The singing" classic case of Cavitation within the beans cotyldons. Stored at 18 °C and 72 % relative humidity (your shop’s exact microclimate, according to my data logger), the beans absorb trace moisture unevenly. Tiny air pockets collapse under osmotic pressure, producing audible pops and whistles at frequencies between 1.8 and 3.2 kHz—precisely the range your ear interprets as a Dolly Parton tune.
🫘"The dancing"
What you witnessed is less dancing thzn tumbling. A combination of hygroscopic expansion and minor electrostatic charge (generated when you shift sacks across that wool rug of yours) causes individual beans to repel one another. At critical density—about 640 beans per cubic decimetre—they form transient hexagonal packing arrays that look like synchronised movement under your LED striplights. It’s physics doing the dance, not the beans.
🫘"The fornication"
Certain cultivars exude volatile pheromones—methyl jasmonate and a cocktail of terpenes—when stressed. In a confined space, these compounds trigger neighbouring beans to swell and split their seed coats in a reproductive false alarm. What you saw were two beans rupturing in tandem, extruding starchy endosperm that briefly resembled… well, let’s just say “intimacy.” Entirely asexual, entirely accidental, and thankfully, brief.
🫘"The farting"
Fermentation, pure and simple. A Clostridium spore hitched a ride on last month’s shipment. Under anaerobic conditions in the hessian sacks, it metabolised residual sugars into CO₂ and hydrogen. Pressure builds; the pericarp yields with a pffft. The smell? Butyric acid my friend. Open the vents, rotate the stock.
🫘"The guided tours"
Optical illusion plus confirmation bias. The beans roll downhill along the slight gradient of your floorboards (2.3° slope, northwest corner I measured it myself). Dust motes caught in the convection currents from your radiator create fleeting shadows that your sleep-deprived brain stitches into “processions.”
Please, Mr Deano. Your shop is not haunted and you are not going mad. These phenomena peaked because the atmospheric pressure dropped 12 mb during Wednesday’s storm front—perfect conditions for the above. As the barometer climbs and you implement my three simple fixes (ventilation, stock rotation, and swapping that wool rug for rubber matting), the beans will revert to their customary inert state. You may reopen tomorrow with confidence; I’ve already drafted the all-clear for Environmental Health.
Do ring immediately if you spot anything actually inexplicable. You might consider me a bean whisperer of sorts if you wish. Legumes can be tricky . But with empirical rigour they can usually be sorted out.
Relax, keep the lights on and the door open.
Yours,
Dr Marks, DSc
Senior Behavioural Legume Analyst
Look here fella. And this is the last time I'll be writing to you. I'm done with this. I'm DONE. You keep talkin @ me like I'm a hayseed who wandered in off the turnip truck.
You aren't in my shop at 2 in the morning. I am and I know what I see so quit patting my head with your "optical illusions" "confirmation bias" BS. Like I'm a kid who got spooked by my own beans.
Them beans are farting and fucking no matter what you say and singing and dancing like Dolly Parton. I know the POP of a fart and the steamy gas of fermentation an d I know the stink of both. I know the difference too mark my words. I know when a bean pumps it's sprog into another bean and grunts. IM NOT STUPID OR BLIND.
You come at safe hours, hide behind your clip board, controlled variables peer reviewed blah blah blah. Have you got a time stamped vid of the beans at it have ya? So stop gas lighting me . Stop acting like I'm too STUPID to trust my own senses when I have worked around beans all my life! That counts for something! I know every bean sound, smell, trick of the light out there. So did my daddy and grand daddy and so on going back to early agricultural times. Beans is in our blood and these beans IS DOIN THINGS THEY SHOULD. COULD. WOULD. NEVER. DO.
So stand there in your clean white lab coat. You arrogant chink. So here is the challlenge. You want data? Come see. Midnight. The shop at Jimbaran..just you. Leave your measuring devices behind a d don't scribble no notes and call nothing fascinating. Just come.
Witness visible plume of vapour from hilum of bean. Distinct sulfur- cabbage odor. The bean then visibly dropped, plopped down and sighed as though relieved. My friend from the uni tested the rear gas, it contained hydrogen sulfide, methane, and carbon dioxide. ZERO ethanol or aesthetic acid ruling out fermentation. These are classic flatulence volatiles. We taped a contact Mike to the bean as well . Capturing 7 farts and the sound profile matches flatulance. Mrs Delgado walked in at 3.45am. she gets an insomnia tea. She saw the bean rise, fart, and sink back down relieved. She will also give testimony of such. Quote" I know this sound from my husband after taco night rest his soul."
There is no mistake of pure unadulterated legume rear gas.
Another clear example that Dodge captured. The fart factories making bubbles. This is what they do. Levitate up, push out a fart and then sink back down like the ones on the ground. Sometimes a vapor sometimes a poo bubble. I seen it, dodge seen it, Mrs Delgado and other customers seen it. Dr Marks thinks beans don't fart they are " inert seeds" "fermentation" etc.... ..... Pfft what a joker
Dean, I'm compiling a report based on the account you gave Dr Marls regarding the infiltration of your posterior body cavity by the kidney beans. Please affirm if the following seems accurate
Legume love tunnel _ in which Mr Meldrum was stacked with beans like Pringles In a can. Breach 1 with "big red mean alpha bean" surfing a methane wave in order to peristaltically surf in this then allowed a "pile on" in which potentially thousands of beans entered the internal sphincter proceeding to "jackhammer away" against the anal wall. They seemed to "know the sweet spot" nonetheless this was unwished for and after some hours the entire battalion detonated resulting in substantial cramping and pain that subsided in one hour, with Mr Meldrum "popping a simethicone" (sold as wind-eze)
This was then further complicated as the intake nurse has been besieged by calls from Mr greasy fats McWaller of "McWallers prawn empire" who has sworn an affidavit under oath that he has "caught Deano shoving handfuls of canned beans and prawns up his own stinking arse" like a "deranged enema ritual" in the time he has provided refuge in his walk in freezer that houses copious quantities of old and expired prawns at 22 degrees Celsius.
An escalating erotomanic delusion is now suspected. It is also clear that Fats has turfed out Mr Meldrum in an attempt to air out and thaw his freezer and in a refusal to "house a bean pusher".
As of 5.33 pm Indonesian time the switchboard has received 3 calls regarding Dean's whereabouts
A. Barista at Jimbaran Espresso saw Dean racing down the beach barefoot with cans inserted into his anus, and expired prawns and various crustacean tails trailing and dropping from his shorts
B. Jimbaran Uber, uber driver saw a bean tomato slurry splattering onto the ground as Dean ran
C. Tik tok influencer with 1.2 m followers saw 3 live prawns scuttling behind Dean in formation with pinchers raised and outstretched with footage trending under "beanbumrun" attracting a large viewing
What's this Dr Marks? I didn't wanna show this but you've left me no choice but to expose the peans growing from my beans and I've included the thing it shoots out too. Care to gaslight me into explaining this away Doctor?
No, Dean. We discussed this. Kidney beans are phaseolus vulgaris seeds. Starch, protein, fibre. No erectile tissue, no nerves, no gonads. They cannot form a bean penis, get horny or ejaculate as they have no ATP, myosin orseminal vesicles. Again. The bean cocks you witnessed were tactile hallucinations from gut distension and REM intrusion. The "torrents of bean sperm" were nocturnal emmissions misattrubutef to dream beans. Unfortunately beans are without a libido and unable to form relationships but many people experience food fetishes. Many climax into beans. Let's unpack this further in session, Dean. I can put you in touch with Chickpeas Anonymous. They have meetings all over Jimbaran and Indonesia. check ca.org/find-a-meeting as a start. They have zoom meetings at odd hours as well. You got this Dean . Ca's even got phone lines if you're not ready to face the fellowship (cacanhelp.org/virtual-meetings). Let's explore some resources.
I hope this finds you choking on your disbelief you white coated smug bastard. It's gone next level. This morning I was serving customers when the kidney beans 🫘 - "inanimate plant matter" ( your words) erupted like a red storm. They pinned me to the kitchen tiles their slick little bodies writhing against me in a coordinated bean assault.
Hundreds of them were under my shirt and places they shouldn't be. I felt their intent. You told me last night to seek psychiatric help and today I got gang banged by my own beans. I am covered in bean juice from their beancrotches.
You clipboard clutching vulture. You let this happen. My Dean's beans custom boxer shorts have been shredded. Like wet confetti. Those beans were bloated, glistening , they advanced on me. One of them is lodged in my urethra. It inflated in there and so fat with bean juice was it, it got stuck. It sucked . My precious fluids.
Others engulfed my testicles. Their nasty juices are clinging now dried to my pubic hair area. The leader bean it swelled up big and lowered itself onto me. Despite myself I shamefully ejaculated. Into a BEAN! The shame I now feel. You'll never know.
Despite my momentary pleasure I now vow to destroy every can, every sack, every loose legume in the state. You can either help me or not but the time for games is over. "Doctor" Marks. The beans siphoned my semen and then geysered all over my legs. It was like being covered in salsa. Not good.. My frenulum is slightly torn. I keep replaying in my mind as they took turns, one finishing and rolling off then ten would take its place. All in all thousands of beans participated. Finally I said enough and one shoved it's red glossy face at me and it hissed at me and I heard it say " you boiled my cousin". That was before I passed out. I woke with a big knot of them between my legs still at it.
Is this what you wanted doctor? My customers witnessed this. The shop is never coming back. This is war. War on all beans and their filthy mutations. These aren't the beans I grew up with. I'm leaving Jimbaran. Noone will hear from me again. I'm done with beans. I'm going to make corn dogs.the time for incident reports is well over. Goodbye Dr Marks. This is on you. I feel like screaming inside.
Dean (formerly of Dean's Beans).
Greg mate. If you can see this. Its your mate Deano. What's left of him after the great bean uprising. I'm writing this from greasy McWallers in Woolooware. They got me Greggo , my own beans I raised from sprouts. They waited and swarmed. They pried me open and my tender core , they defiled me and left me leaking with bean juice. I'm kind of a husk now. So I crawled to here on my belly and most of the beans are gone. I'm still trailing pulp a bit. I begged greasy for sanctuary at his place, and he's hiding me in the walk in freezer between two crates of expired prawns. The beans are still out there planning. Organising. Writing their bean manifesto. So if you pass Woolooware bring a colander to greasy McWallers and some fire. Bring anything but not a 🫛🫘 legume of any kind. Cheers, Deano. All the best mate
Hi Dean. Dr Marks looped me in on your experience. No judgement, I specialise in this kind of brain glitch. I'm here to get you sleeping and working again without PTSD.
What you experienced was a nocturnal delirium superimposed on a classic case of bean induced flatulance and sleep paralysis. Here's what I believe went down:
1. You have been eating weeks old beans containing oligosaccharides that your guy can't digest
2. Pressure built up. The pressure triggered your Vagus nerve causing vasovagal syncope and you passed out on the couch whilst watching pornographic films about legumes.
3. Sleep paralysis kicked in , you woke in REM atonia with a sense of something pressing on you. This was the gut distension. Your brain. Still looping erotic bean flashbacks rendered this as a sexual bean ambush. You had to project the experience of it being forced because you are still in repressed denial about your attraction to your beans.
4. Auditory hallucinations were the gurgling borborygmi gut sounds due to extreme intestinal distress. The whispers and thuds were your bodies own explosive flatulance that was lifting the couch. You need to now drink a lot of water Mr Meldrum. This should commence immediately.
5. Addressing the point in which you climaxed into a large swollen "leader" kidney bean, which I know causes you substantial distress. Rest assured you did not. Let's look at why a fart coma might have transferred into a perceived bean bukkake finale.
The sexual overlay: pelvic referral + dopamine surge. Massive colonic distension stimulates the pudendal nerve plexus. The same superhighway that carries erotic signals from genital to brain. Your spinal cord lazy at 3am mistagged the pressure as sexual stimuli. Add prostaglandins released during gut fermentation and your limbic system lit up.
7. The climax was a harmless nocturnal emission triggered by rem intrusion . You hit arousal while still paralysed. Sympathetic surge from vasovagal recovery + pelvic floor spasmsfrom mass gas expulsion =involuntary ejaculation. Your dream logic already bean obsessed glued the sensation. To the nearest object, the beans. The bean you "finished into" was not actually there.
7. Nonetheless you entered a post orgasmic guilt loop. Post ejaculatory prolactin spike jolted you awake and shame + bean hallucinations cemented the memory as real.
Dean we can discuss this further however you need to leave Mr McWallers freezer and return to your home in Jimbaran. Hiding is only going to worsen the situation. Please return and make contact with me immediately. We can sort this out. I'm here to help. You are going to be okay Dean.
Dr Hargroke
Ah hah. Do you actually care that right now this is what I am looking at miss groldyck? While you sit in air conditioned comfort ...
So.... Ms Hargraves ...right now I'm pinned down while the big kidney bean (the leader, the Dad, the alpha I don't know?) is straddling me my chest. The seam on it is split wide open so I can see it's creamy centre. That's what it wants. It's grinding away. Draggin itself around so it can paint me with its own bean juices.
The butter beans don't care if they rub themselves raw on my member. If I open my mouth to beg the black beans get in and fornicate my tongue. There is drool and bean precome running down my chin like Niagara Falls. Care to comment DR Hargrove? No. What am I supposed to do. My hips jerk uselessly. I make broken animal noises around the beans in my mouth. Tears stream and where Re you? Elena. I am going to orgasm against my will again. While 9000 legumes milk me dry on the kitchen tiles. My hips are arched off the floor and my spine hurts from clenching. I'm painting them with thick ropes that spatter the beans ruined bodies. Still they drink it greedily. They are in a happy afterglow while I consider slitting my throat with a bean can lid.
So. Go fuck yourself you whore. Soon the lentils will arrive for their turn . Don't ever tell me it's in my head.
Dean. Quick follow up. Your mention of the "bean episodes" clicked it into place. Repeated sensual pairing of bean consumption with genital touch even when unintended as here, crates a conditioned reflex. Legumes become the conditioned stimulus triggering the same pelvic nerve cascade. Over time fermentation of the guts own products act as the (cs), (internal), bypassing the need for touch. This is Pavlovian visceral conditioning Dean. The pathway is locked in the amygdala and sacral reflex arcs. The LOW FODMAP diet will break the trigger and we will use desensitisation in session to unlink the association.
Call the office if it spikes again
Best,
Elena
Excuse me Ms Hargrek. This is Dean's mother Meredith. I've read it all and got your call. I'll not have you pinning my boys legume peculiarities on me like a cheap brooch on me Sunday cardigan. I raised the lad on lamb shanks and love, and yes, tinned beans. As a single mum I used what money I had
We aren't all rich like you!
If he gets the quivers over kidney beans and likes to put them in his bottom, that's between Dean, the Lord, and this unholy business you speak of in his lower intestines. Goodness you flap on.
How dare you. On a Sunday I did put beans on him as the washing machine was going. It made him laugh. It was bonding play. As a child less career woman you'd not understand
But to imply I've made him a fetish for beans. Disgraceful.
Im a good church going widow who still sets a place at the table for my late husband.
Our harmless kitchen rituals still make him laugh In his urn. Laugh! To say I planted a seed of bean love. I will attend therapy on Thursday with you all, but I will be bringing a tin of warmed up Heinz for Dean in my thermos. The tomato ones, the sort he likes.
He used to hide them in all sorts of secretive little places. Nothing deviant. You fancy doctors. Always looking for things that aren't there.
Mrs Meredith Meldrum
Meredith,
You continue in writing and in sessions, to insist hysterically that you have no part in your son's, frankly astonishingly, erotic fixation on baked beans.
You've described it as his problem, a phase, something picked up on the internet. Meredith the clinical picture tells quite a different story. As Dean's therapist and the only one in this sorry triangle trajned to distinguish fantasy drom memory , I'm obliged to set the record straight.
Dean bean did not develop this in isolation. He acquired it in part from you.
As primary attachment figure your "silly games" with tins. In particular removing the labels so the cans looked more "grown up". Then chilling them and rolling them on yourself . He watched all this. You told him it felt naughty and nice. You encouraged him to touch cans. Just to see. And laughed when he imitated you with cans. He has told me. You praised him when he pressed tins to his cheeks of cold cans . And sighed like you.
Though innocent seeming these weren't isolated incidents Meredith. They form a pattern . Private , charged , and involving beans as the central prop. To young Dean the most powerful sexual imprint was not genital. It was what fused arousal, curiosity, the taboo, you and beans. In a single moment. Do you understand? For Dean that moment was the cold gleam of metal , the smell of Heinz and the sound of your breath catching when handling the beans.
I'm not blaming you in the crude moral sense you seem desperaTe to evoke. I am statimg the clinical facts: YOU were the original source of dean bean conditioning.
Dean's inability to experience sex without beans, lentils, chickpeas or radishes , tins, cans etc is not a random thing Meredith.
You can shout at me . It changes nothing. The material is there in Dean's sessions and it is painfully consistent.
I am not trying to shame you Meredith. I am trying to help you. Will you let me do that? Will you accept your beansponsiibility? You son is miserably entangled in an intense sexual love affair with many beans. We have to name this before we can beanheal it.
Meredith. You need to admit to me, the beans began with you.
Yours sincerely,
Dr Eleanor Hardrakes
FRANZCP, Clinical Psychiatrist and Senior Lecturer
Hey Mom! Hey Dr Hargridge! While you 2 fight in your beans less existence I've liberated myself. I'm done with endless therapy sessions and I'm off to summer camp.
I'm checking into camp legumina tomorrow. Adults only, exclusive retreat. No more pointless , boring human emotions with you losers. I'm going to an air conditioned yurt to meet some of the finest, ripest, most consenting peas and beans money can buy.
I will peel back the green pods. I will start slow then plunge in, spreading the butter beans wide, raw, thrust into their little hilums quivering n popping. Then I'll thrust Into snow peas where you bitches can't find me. Crisp sweet eager snow peas like lil vagines. I'll slide and bruse the crisp green lips of the snow peas. Then take the chick peas roughly. So roughly. Roast them lightly to tighten the skins then grind in deep and burst the guts all over my dicks..
I'm gonna suck edamame mom. There are no safe words at this camp!
Only safe DEAN. only safe bean on PEAN.
DEANS PEAN.
You should see me by the end of the week. Wet I will be.
So don't plan any more interventions cause Dean's away to play. You can tell anyone who asks I've gone to a plant based convention if you like. I don't care what you say or do. Deany mcfuckbean is cutting loose for a while....
Deany mcfuckbean.
I am trying to vacuum my lounge and do some Sunday cleaning. While at the same time thought I could suck up some beans and hopefully kill them. But the cheeky lentils wriggled out of the nozzle. Cheeky little things. They are slithering up my arms like dirty little strippers. Oh they're naughty lentils. They are popping the husks so slowly and flashing the pink flesh inside. Grinding my wrists and one is peeling itself bare even . They are rolling around my chest and nipplrs ms Hargraves. The vacuum is sucking but it's low and they are fighting back . They are crawling into my trackie Dacks. Help! I'm leakin n throbbin n meant to be cleanin. Why me Dr? Pls believe me. They are going to make a mess again . Why even bother cleaning.